The Funion

So I’m trying to come up with a name to my competing periodical to the Onion. I’m not really happy with the Funion, as I imagine your aren’t either, but you get what you pay for so suck it. Also, there’s now four confirmed readers for this blog, one of whom was not around for my original Onion post. That means a little explanation on how the fake fake news stories are written is in order. So what I do is come up with an idea then just give the bare basics on how the article should be written. Here they are:

Republican Congressman Suddenly Concerned About Debt Burden
My research assistant has the week off, which means I didn’t bother searching for the name of a particular Republican congressman who voted for the1.8 trillion tax cuts during the Bush years, the 516 billion Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit, and the 900 billion Iraq War. So I don't got a particular name to go with here, but I’m sure there’s more than a handful elected representatives out there who would fit this picture. I just hate making mistakes like finding out Senator Lindsey Graham voted against the Medicare bill. Any who, so this story would be about how this elected official preaches against a bill that robs from our children and grandchildren, and how it’s unfair to leave future generations worse off so we should pay the bills we ran up in our time. So of course there'd be a link to the quote by Cheney about how Reagan proved deficits don't matter, and of course this particular congressman would also refuse to do anything about global warming.

Former Prosecutor Angered By Tactics He Used to Employ
The former federal prosecutor is now a white collar defense attorney at a law firm, and he’s riled up by the threat prosecutors have made to indict his client’s wife if she doesn’t agree to testify against her husband. “This is blatant prosecutor misconduct. It flies in the face of constitutional protections, basic human decency…” yada yada. Basically this story would just be another commentary on the backseat truth takes to our own desires to win arguments -- you know, the self-deception people engage in to hide their own self-interest. There should also be an attempt to bring this one home for those capable of seeing their own ridiculousness. What I mean is, so like this lawyer also gets road rage for any perceived slight while he’s driving, like when people cut him off or don’t let him merge -- while ignoring how he’s cut people off or failed to let others merge with some frequency in the past. You know, something the nonlawyer and noncongressman can relate to.

Dalai Lama Likes Hardcore Porn
So this article is hard to execute properly since I'm trying to keep this site family-friendly and all. I’m also not exactly sure how to execute the family-friendly version, since I don’t know what’s best in terms of how the Lama’s secret is discovered: whether he confesses to a head of state on an official visit, or someone checks the Lama’s internet history, or someone walks in on him watching women being degraded in ways respectable people should find repugnant. Regardless, though, the money line from this story would be something dealing with the universal truths. Like the Lama says: “Suffering exists because of the pursuit of pleasure, but these women suffer because they need to be punished with multiple (ahem) in their (ahem).”