Pear Sandwich

Complaints about America

2011-11-20T02:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how people multitask. I've been working 70 hour weeks for the last few months, and I've barely had enough time to brush my teeth everyday, let alone write posts no one is going to read.

Anyways, so I fell behind and have some old thoughts to get caught up on here. I went to Orlando for work a few months ago. I stayed in a hotel near Universal Studios, on the crappier side of town (government cutbacks), and it drove home how effed up our country's priorities are. The town is organized around entertainment, chain restaurants, and outlet malls. There's asphalt, concrete and traffic everywhere. Contrasting this to my home in rural Germany, where they've managed the trees and lakes to keep the area beautiful, where the towns are organized to have pedestrian zones and all your necessities in walking distance, it depressed me. Maybe that's like comparing Orlando to Asheville, NC, and it's just not fair, but there is something representative about Orlando's place in America. Orlando is an epicenter of entertainment, a place you work and save up for (assuming you still have a job) to take your kids on vacation. People also come from around the globe to get a taste of America. But outside the parks, this mecca for family fun is cheap and somewhat dingy. There's nothing aesthetically pleasing about the traffic or buildings. And shopping at outlet malls while not at amusement parks is like switching to beer after a three day binge of hard liquor. Either way you're an alcoholic, you're just getting your fix from a different source.

I heard on AFN radio the other day about a Target worker protesting the 12AM opening for black Friday. It's crazy the bind that workers like him are being put in. We have a shitty economy and a terrible social safety net. People have to choose between spending time with their family on holidays, or working to avoid losing their jobs. How is it these stores do it? A country where it's acceptable to force your employees to work at these hours without a social stigma? Americans really think the predominant goal in life is to make money. And on the demand side, how do we have consumers who shop at 12am instead of spending time with their families (or sleeping)? Maybe some of these consumers shop with their families at that hour? Is that what fills the void? Buying stuff at a cheaper price to give to yourself and others, because if you don't have these consumer goods that you otherwise couldn't afford then you would disappoint yourself and them?

So anyways, it's just disappointing to think of our screwed up priorities. How we organize our cities, our society, how we spend our time. We don't let others rest on the holidays, since we can't stop consuming. We can't afford to turn off the perpetual motion machine of being distracted. We expect our movie theaters, amusement parks, stores, etc. to be open. And we hype these cities of entertainment, but outside the parks they're gross and disappointing. So what are you going to do? Hope that we can reconstruct our society at least from a city planning perspective to encourage green spots and walking zones? Reprioritize the population to focus on anything other than materialism (community? family?)? Complain about it on my blog and hope that somehow makes a difference? Anyways, it's just a little bit of a screwed up country. But I don't see what can be done about it. For now I'll be spending Thanksgiving at home, eating food and watching grown men try to kill each other on the football field. Because I don't care about the time these guys get to spend with their friends or family. It's not my problem.

Value Over Replacement Prosecutor

2011-08-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

Bill James has read hundreds of crime books and he synthesizes a comprehensive volume's worth of stories in his book, "Popular Crime." It's a familiar formula for him, digesting a bunch of old information and offering a new perspective. James has obviously proven he's a smart guy that deserves to be listened to. Here he offers a new perspective on the media, the criminal justice system, and some of the centuries most famous crimes. The Jon Benet Ramsey saga is a case in point, and James' chapter on this was one of the most interesting in the book. I always considered the parents to have been culpable without paying the story too much attention. I felt that if I ignored our silly media, then they'd stop bothering with this nonsense. But James convinced me I was mistaken to ignore this story. And after his arguments and review of the facts, it appears that there is no conceivable way the parents killed their daughter.

The Ramsey saga deals with levels of human nature that I find truly fascinating. The police's certainty of the parents' involvement in the face of so little supporting evidence (and a great deal of contradicting evidence. By the way, did the Ramsey's not have an alarm system? That was never properly addressed by James and I'm surprised rich people like that wouldn't have their basement windows wired.) is a characteristic that has always intrigued me. The police arrived at their belief and then spend the rest of the investigation searching for facts that support it. It's what has infuriated me about people throughout my life. It's political or religious dogma by another name. James' quote (in another chapter dealing with the failure of cops to understand serial killers until the 1980s) that, "The capacity of mankind to misunderstand the world is without limit. The external world is billions of times more complicated than the human mind. We are desperate to understand the world; we struggle from the moment of birth to understand the world - but it beyond our capacity. We thus sign on to simplifications of the world that give us the illusion of understanding," is exactly what I tried to get at with my last post. We're arriving at beliefs and then going forth in this uncertain world. We do what we can to justify those beliefs, contradictory evidence be damned.

James also spends a good part of the book arguing for a more rational justice system. One of his attempts to create such a system is to standardize what it takes to cross the threshold of "beyond a reasonable doubt." He assigns numerical values to evidence and requires that evidence go beyond a specific total number, so that we can prevent wrongful convictions. An admirable call to reason, but one that will probably go unheeded because of the difficulty in arriving at such values. Perhaps books like this, though, will create some rough guidelines or make us more thoughtful on some minimums before we should take away life or liberty. Or perhaps it'll just inspire prosecutors like me to convict less innocent people. (Here's hoping.) And while I'm taking everything he wrote to be factually correct (probably a mistake) he does speak of convictions that are based on evidence that should've been considered legally insufficient, but judges allowed juries to make unsupported decisions anyways, such as Rabbi Neulander, and Randall Dale Adams.

James also hits many more interesting topics that and I'll just hit a few briefly. He raises the issue (in passing) of America's long history of a higher crime rate than Europe, a phenomenon that I've been contemplating ever since I got to the ridiculously safe and unmean streets of Germany. (And again, how can the Ramsey's have not had an alarm system? If there was a take home point from this book it was get a guard dog, a semi-automatic weapon, booby-trap your yard with land mines, and never leave your house under any circumstances.) Based on the ballistic and witness evidence, James also suggests that the fatal shot that killed John F. Kennedy was an accidental discharge from one of his secret service agents. It's a scandalous theory that I've never heard discussed before, and one I'd like to see him debate on television with a well-informed person of an opposing view. In fact, in a perfect world this book would be made into a movie where well-informed people could debate him and most of his contentions (in a more perfect world, I'd get executive producer credit). Anyways, it was a really sweet book. And man are there a lot of psychopaths out there.

Seeking Certainty in an Uncertain World

2011-08-07T03:41:00.000-07:00

That Scientific American subscription is proving a huge inspiration for this blog. There was an article last month on the biases that lead people to skew the truth. One of my favorite topics on this blog, one my brother told me to stop writing about because it's a truism not worth exploring, is the tribalism of American politics. Anyone who's been paying attention to the events of the last few weeks/decades/centuries knows that factionalism has been around almost as long as our republic. And as I like to point out from time to time, I knew this president's attempt to move past political factionalism would not succeed because tribalism is ingrained in human nature.

"The Believing Brain" sheds some light on the phenomenom. The article explains how people come to understand reality. Humans form their beliefs first and see reality second. One of the many biases that lead to these beliefs is the in-group bias of tribalism, where opponents are demonized and dismissed while friends are listened to and empathized with. (Which can explain how a political party can ignore their own significant contribution to the problems they blame another party for.)

In the same issue of SA there's an article on how unknowable reality just may be. In the "Bad Boy of Physics", Leonard Susskind explains that reality may be too complex for us ever to understand fully. He even says we should stop using the word reality, but rather focus on what is "reproducible,": knowable discreet events. He then goes on to say things that I cannot comprehend: that physics currently predicts this universe is 1000 times bigger in volume than the portion we can ever see? That there are most likely multiverses, meaning this large forever-completely-unobservable universe of ours might not be the only one?

And it all reminds me of why we use these biases to shape reality. Without them we'd have to admit our inability to understand ourselves and our places in this uni-or multiverse. It's a big, confusing, unknowable existence. We're just a small speck in a small corner of a place infinitely larger than we can ever comprehend. And for many politically active people in the US, certainty and meaning come from battling it out with the opposite members of a political party. It's a lot more empowering to see yourself in a battle of good v. evil then to come to terms with your own ignorance and insignificance. The world becomes us v. them because without that simplified division of reality, we would not know what to make of this thing we're doing.

My Honeymoon with Kaka

2011-07-04T02:56:00.000-07:00

So at this public place where I pour my heart and soul into issues of social significance, I've attached pics of Kaka, hoping to draw the increased traffic of celebrity chasers who are also interested in examining human nature and improving public policy. (One of my many untapped demographics.)

Me and the Mrs. were in Taormina, Sicily for our honeymoon. At first I just thought Kaka was just your average rich guy with a neck brace, seeing through his worker's comp scam in case the Italian authorities saw him living it up on the beach. It wasn't until he played soccer with his son in the square that I realized who he was. I didn't want to bother him by getting too close, but I noticed in my other pics (ones came out much crappier than the one above) that people were standing and kneeling 3 feet from him to take their mementos. So I effed that one up. This other one is from the beach. He seems like a pretty cool guy, even if he looks like he's letting himself go. He was really enjoying the days with his family, playing with his children and what not. Makes sense he has the reputation for being so nice.

I also want to take this opportunity to expound on the importance of a guide book you can trust. Rick Steves is my guy, but he doesn't have a Siciliy Book. So I had to take the Lonely Planet people at their word. And anyone who would describe Palermo as having a "magnificent disorganization" and Cefalu as a "postcard pretty town" is not someone I want planning my trips. These places are dilapidated towns on an incredibly beautiful coast. Most people don't want to travel half way around the world to see Tijuana, Mexico. I wish there was a disclaimer on the cover that said "for pretentious travelers whose enjoyment comes from going off the beaten path just for the sake of doing so." Although it's food recommendations were right on. Anyways, I'm not sure what to do when I next travel to a country Rick Steves doesn't cover. Let me know if you have any recommendations. And I've also attached a pic of my beautiful bride here just to brag.

Freedom Doesn't Mean You Have to Be a Dick: Driving

2011-07-03T07:46:00.001-07:00

There's a side character in Jonathan Franzen's Freedom who won't let anyone pass on the highway. It's a revealing anecdote of America's hyper-competitive culture, and reflective of many similar driving experiences I've had. Contrast this to my experiences driving in Germany, where cars move on the autobahn like it's a well-orchestrated ballet. The left lane is left open unless you're passing, and slower cars almost always move immediately to the right. It's a social norm that's rigidly followed for the greater good. And while there are dicks who drive in Germany, there aren't as many who take a passing car as a personal challenge to their manhood.

Part of this American reluctance to let people pass may be explained by the unnecessarily low (and often ignored speed limits). People are probably keeping the faster drivers going accorded to the posted speed limits, or at what they regard as the appropriate speed. But there are better mechanisms for enforcing the law, like cameras. And again, Germany should serve as a good example. In the more congested ares and on the smaller highways and city streets, Germany has a speed limit that's strictly enforced. After being caught by a camera, I got a 25 euro ticket for going 2 km too fast. I was annoyed, but 25 euros isn't too bad. It's an efficient system. They let you drive as fast as you want in certain areas. But where there's a speed limit, it's there for a reason and you better follow it or else a camera will catch you and give you a reasonable fine.

I can think of many Americans who would lose their shit over getting a ticket in the same circumstances: a camera catching me for going about 1 mph over the limit. There was even a ballot proposal in my hometown that preemptively banned the use of red light cameras at intersections despite the increased safety they offer. That second link is a good indicator of the craziness we're dealing with as a nation. People are somehow claiming red light cameras increase red light running. That's like claiming more firefighters lead to more fires. We all know fewer people would run red lights if they got a ticket every time they did. People make up facts to win arguments, but it's insane how easily accepted these crazy facts are in our country and how they can lead to unwise public policy. I now obey the German speed limit a lot better than I used to because I know there's a good chance I'll get a fine if I don't.

So move over when someone wants to go faster than you. Put red light and speed cameras up to increase traffic safety. And make speed limits more rational, because most people go over 55 or 65 mph and enforcing the law when someone is going with the flow of traffic seems arbitrary. Simple steps to a better society really. Maybe then we could use the revenue to fix potholes, put in better mass transit options, or just have safer roads. Or maybe we can pretend red light and speed cameras increase accidents, lead to socialism, and take us away from the laissez-faire paradise where optimal traffic safety is achieved through drivers acting in their perceived self-interest.

Extreme Weather in a Hotter World

2011-06-22T10:43:00.001-07:00

In last month's edition of Scientific American, they had an article that says Americans trust scientists above all other professions, save the military. But when it comes to specific findings, people often choose to reject scientific consensus. A few pages later, they reminded us of one of those examples, as climate models have predicted more instances of extreme weather in a hotter world. The article explains that you can never point to one storm and say "that's global warming" but that there's been a dramatic rise in the total number of extreme weather events just as the climate models said there would be. Then it gives a few famous examples: abnormal floods in Pakistan, and Nashville, blizzards in the US, the epic heat wave and fires in Moscow, drought in China (and the article didn't even mention the record year of tornados in the US or flooding on the Mississippi).

So it's here, climate change. The scientists have been warning us of these consequences for a while now. And while we trust men of science to land men on the moon, diagnose and treat our diseases, and process the crime scenes on our TV shows, we selectively don't trust them when they tell us we're killing the planet and endangering ourselves. Makes sense. So considering the collective action needed to save us from our world's fate, and considering that these deniers are not letting us listen to the experts attempt to warn us from our calamity, I propose a way to let climate deniers suffer their own downfall. Every denier of climate change should not be allowed to listen their doctor's medical advice. From now on, they must only get their diagnosis and treatments from organizations secretly funded by the oil industry, the Bible or Fox News.

Celebrating the Accomplishments of Other Men

2011-06-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

I've been a huge Lebron James fan for years. I like the way he plays the game. A superstar who can score with a pass-first mentality. Chris Paul, Steve Nash, Magic Johnson: these are players I've always loved because they get everyone on the team involved. I always liked the Get Along Gang growing up. I'm just wired for admiring this type of behavior, and I like the basketball players who don't have to selfishly dominate.

Lebron was unfairly maligned in Cleveland, playing with scrubs and making them better than anyone in the world could. (Remember how well Kobe did with those Laker teams who didn't have Shaq or Pau/Bynum/Odum in the front court?) I got riled up that people weren't putting Lebron in the right perspective. People were debating whether Kobe was better because he had so many rings (just as many as Steve Kerr) even though every advanced metric puts Lebron way ahead of Kobe. (They were also putting Kobe in the same league with Jordan, even though Jordan never needed a dominating center or front court to win championships.) So when the consensus flipped out because Lebron took less money and sacrificed his ego to play with better teammates, it made me that much more determined to root for him.

But a funny thing happened with a few minutes left in Game 6. I realized I didn't care that the Mavs were going to win. At the end of the day, this is another man who's personal accomplishments have no bearing on my self-worth.

So why do we do it? What draws us into the drama of professional sports, to celebrate the accomplishments of other men? Why was there so much hatred for Lebron, with almost the whole nation rooting for the Heat's downfall?

For the geographical sports fan, the one who loves the team from the location he happened to be born, there's validation when the team wins. "I'm a winner because me and my hometown are winners." There's also a sense of community that comes from victory. As humans we're wired to look for connections, to be a part of something larger than ourselves. And being winners together makes us feel that much more important. But there's also the entertainment aspect. Sports can distract from what ails us. We root for the good guys against the enemy. And sometimes we have to dig deep to explain why someone is the enemy. So we manufacture a narrative to help direct our hate against them. It beats thinking about why our life turned out so much more disappointing then it should have.

The Decision plus party in Miami gave an excuse to hate, a chance to focus a collective anger. The Heat were the bad guys, no matter how unprincipled this stand was. I mean, how often does everyone say they want athletes to take less money and sacrifice their egos to win as a team? Does a pre-season party and TV break-up with an old team really make for basketball villains? Remember when Kobe raped that girl and Jason Kidd slapped his wife? (Or does that just show us we have a propensity to forgive and forget? Or does it show that we forgive and forget winners?)

Anyway, at the end of the day, who cares. People have already moved on (hopefully) and have stopped taking pleasure in Lebron's failures and the Mavs accomplishments. As much as people pissed on Lebron for saying it, he has a point. Once this ended the haters still have to go back to their lives. That is, until they find the next athlete to root for in this perpetual made up struggle of good v. evil that we use to distract ourselves. I'm still waiting for Kevin Durant to have America turn against him in a few years when he does only God knows what.

I've Never Been So Happy to See Another Human Being Dead

2011-05-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

That was some incredible news the other day. And those scenes of spontaneous celebration, in NYC, in front of the White House and at the Phillies game...I felt connected to my countrymen in a way I can't remember. Maybe 9/11, or when I was 8 watching the Olympics when the USSR was still in the mix. But the feeling didn't last long. Nor did I expect it to. It only took a few hours for the bickering to start, whether Obama is sharing enough credit with Bush, or if dead Osama pics should be released, or whatever other nonsense is out there.

And it's not that these questions are being asked that bothers me, but the nature of the debate. People are starting with their conclusions and working their way back to the facts that support them. The Salon did a good run down on the hater's guide to keep on hating. But most of us are aware of the ridiculous political conversations we see on our televison and read on the internet, the tribal partisanship that subdivides this nation. What can we do? Tribalism is just who we are as people, whether that's America or anywhere else.

No, the surprise wasn't the rehashing of the political arguments I've seen since my childhood. It was my joy in another human being's death. And it seems like I'm not alone. Even the Dalai Lama sanctions the hit. Although I was annoyed to see that Human Rights Watch thinks it was morally wrong to kill Osama. I was also bummed that Kurt Vonnegut is no longer alive to share his thoughts. He had such mixed emotions about human nature, it's hard to know where he would've ended up on this.

I just reread Cat's Cradle. Vonnegut had such a sweet perspective. That lost narrator working towards the book's resolution and finding his fate, clearly seeing what was wrong with other people, especially himself. He was at a loss to do anything about our collective fate except write. And my fleeting nationalism, that feeling of connectedness with my fellow countrymen, that was just a granfalloon. The nation is an arbitrary boundary which connects human beings on a superficial level. For the deep connections, I'll have to search further than the nation. Hopefully the new wife will be my duprass. Things are looking good so far, but only time will tell.

But what struck me most about all of this is how much one man directed world events in the last decade. Osama ordered 19 men to fly 4 airplanes (3 successfully) into U.S. buildings, killing nearly 3000 people. In turn, the US responded by invading two countries at a cost of 345 billion for Al Qaeda's protectors and 3 trillion for Al Qaeda's avowed enemy. The low end of total deaths as a result of these two wars is around 120,000, while it is possible the real number is much higher.

And yet Osama spent the last 6 years inside a mansion compound, his last days video taping himself watching himself on a 20' television, while we burned through that 3.5 trillion dollars and 120,000 plus people. And in the end it was a ridiculous amount of intelligence gathering, surveillance, patience, and a ballsy commando raid that took him out. All of it a reminder there was another way we could have conducted the war on terror, and how pointless that Iraq invasion was.

Anyways, I'm not sure how to end this post. Just a collection of thoughts on this guy and the last 10 years in this country. We overreacted at a terrible expense to our Treasury, our Armed Forces, and the civilian population of one Muslim country while not focusing early enough on the other. It felt great that he's dead, and it still feels good when I see unvarnished announcements of the death replayed. But it's a joy that doesn't last when I see d-bags talking about it. It's a reminder that nationalism is a false connection for those looking for real human contact, and that Kurt Vonnegut books are amazing. That guy really had a good sense of the complex beauty, humor and effed up aspects of human nature.

Human Nature

2011-05-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

My wife and I started a pretty amazing diet 6 months ago, mostly because she had high blood pressure. She's 28 and was reluctant to take medication for the next 40-50 years. After talking with her brother, he got her to try the Paleo diet, something he's been doing for a while. Her blood pressure has gone from 150/100 to 125/80 without her significantly changing anything else about her lifestyle. The result can't be from anything other than the new diet (even though none of her doctors will credit the diet, and they've only recently conceded she doesn't need medication).

As for me, I've never eaten more fruits and vegetables in my life. That's sure to pay health dividends in the future. And while I've never been obese, I've still lost 10 pounds. I haven't been this lean since I was 25. I've also suffered from acne for the last 16 years of my life, along with shiny and plasticy skin. But all of that has cleared up, and my complexion has never looked better. (Alas, the receding hairline has remained. This diet is incapable of miracles.)

The Paleo diet has also given me a greater appreciation of foods. I enjoy the natural flavors much more. I no longer consume full bags of chips, or nearly as much tortillas, breads, and pastas; stomach fillers that dilute the nutritious meats and vegetables. Every week my wife makes salmon, steaks, rotisserre chicken, egg scrambles, fruit smoothies with cocunut milk... and writing this now makes my mouth water. It's really hard to communicate how delicious this diet is, and how great it makes you look and feel unless you try it for a month. The first few weeks are hard. The carbs and processed sugars are like a drug you need to cleanse out of your system. But once you've broken free of these substances, it's easy to stay on the diet. Now when I cheat (this diet also allows you to cheat a few meals each week without feeling guilty) and eat too much bread, candy, or drink too much booze, my stomach hurts in unnatural ways. And that's the point of the diet. Our bodies didn't evolve to digest most of the food we put into them.

So I like this diet. I feel like shouting it from the mountain tops. But I can't because most people don't give a shit (and why should they?) and the rest take it as a personal attack on their own eating habits. So I've gone with my blog, since if you've made it this far it's your own fault, and not because I trapped you in a corner at a party. Anyways, the diet is great and maybe you should try it. But if you don't want to, cool. I don't really care.

It's just that there are a small percentage of people who are annoying as shit about me being on this diet. (It's probably about the same percentage of people who are annoying as shit generally.)

The most common phenomemon is when other people tell me I'm cheating at my own diet. It's funny how many people suddenly become experts in the diets of caveman, even when they are saying things directly contrary to what I've read. The literature also makes it clear is there is considerable debate about what caveman actually ate. These people are clearly just making shit up on the spot. Again, a reminder that people find certainty that doesn't exist when they want to prove a point to win an argument. But I can't understand why people become personally invested in an argument about the food I choose to eat.

Probably the most frustrating thing that has happened is the behavior our active friends. Upon learning of my new diet they informed everybody that Paleo was stupid. A lazy man's version of the zone diet, which was also not that great. Essentially it was a waste of time with no health benefits. They're now on the diet. I can only guess this happened after they saw the physical affects the diet had on us both, since my wife also lost 10 pounds without changing her workout routine. Whenever talking about what they eat, it's all Paleo. But they can't bring themselves to say "We're eating Paleo". The other day, the husband finally admitted it's Paleo, but they still refuse to call it that. But he blamed the annoying hyped-up things cross-fit people say online about it, not that they just can't admit to their friends that they followed their idea (which we followed from a whole line of other people). God only knows why they want people to think they made it up. Anyways, so in conclusion this diet is great. And people can suck.

One Place to Cut from the Pentagon Budget

2011-04-27T02:10:00.000-07:00

The housing allowance for military members serving in Europe wastes a tremendous amount of US taxpayer money. For those of us who live in private housing, we rent large apartments and houses that we don't need, enriching European landlords at taxpayer expense.

In Europe, Soldiers pay for housing with what we call OHA (Overseas Housing Allowance). OHA allows a Soldier a set amount of money for rent. As a married captain who lives in the middle of nowhere Bavaria, my OHA is 1250 euros a month, way more than I need to live comfortably. (In larger cities like Wiesbaden, OHA for a married captain is at least a few thousand euros a month.) I could easily get a comfortable apartment for less than my OHA, but I don't. And no one I know lives in private housing on less than their OHA.

The main problem is that OHA is set too high. It's more money than I need for a nice apartment. But another issue is that I don't have any incentive to use less than the total amount of OHA. I don't keep the difference between the 1250 euros and what my actual rent is. Perhaps if I were a better man, than I wouldn't need an incentive to save the taxpayers a few hundred euros a month. But even if I were to unilaterraly declare war on government waste, it wouldn't solve the problem. If you looked at the apartments of me and my friends, as well as every other apartment or house of a Soldier or civilian (Perversely, the civilians get even more money than we do, and some of them have mini mansions.) I've seen in Germany, we are living well beyond what is necessary to be comfortable. And it's not just the Army. I just visited my wife's cousin in London. She is a lovely lady who lives in a cozy apartment. We talked of OHA and she told us of her airforce friend who has an outstanding flat, where the kitchen is larger than her entire apartment. I can guarantee that if the money that airmen was spending was his own, he would have a cheaper flat instead of a Rachel and Monica sized apartment in one of the most expensive cities on earth.

So not only should we reduce the total amount of OHA, we should change the incentives for servicemembers. The military should allow servicemembers to pocket the different between their OHA and the actual rent. In the US, the Soldier gets a specific amount of money based on zip code and rank, and then it's up to the Soldier to find housing. (The term is called BAH, or Basic Allowance for Housing.) The Soldier pockets the difference between the ceiling and the actual rent. At least with this system, the incentives keep the money with the Soldier. (It has also been my experience that BAH is set too high, but this does not anger me as much. BAH is a backdoor way to pay Soldiers more money and Soldiers are underpaid as it is. The problem with OHA is that it enriches European landlords.)

I guess the underlying cause to all of this is the number of US Soldiers living off-post in Europe (the deeper underlying causes, like why the US military is still in Europe in such numbers or why the US military is so large at all is not the concern of this post). If we can somehow enlarge bases (or not close bases like Wuerzburg that just got built up only to be closed after construction was finished) then at least we wouldn't be putting money directly into the pockets of European landlords. So if we are going to continue our large precense abroad, we should expand bases where possible and build more government housing. Another problem is that when a Soldier deploys from Europe, their apartment stays empty, injecting millions of American tax dollars directly into the pokcets of landlords who don't have to do anything. They don't have to fix a leaking pipe or broken heater, just collect rent for 12 or 15 months while sitting on their arses. (In the US, Soldiers have the option of breaking their lease when they deploy under the Servicemember's Civil Relief Act, "SCRA", something that was not negotiated in the Status of Forces Agreement with Germany.)

I know posting this may make me an enemy of those of us who benefit from this system. It is a good system for Soldiers. I like it. I'm living it up out here. And for the Soldiers who have gone through multiplie deployments, if they have a nice apartment in Germany that they can use as a base to travel Europe, God bless them. But in a time when we are talking about ways to save money for the US Government, this is an area where there's a lot of fat to trim with very little cost to the Soldier. If OHA was reduced and I moved from an apartment with 4 rooms to 2, I wouldn't suffer. Of course, I would prefer it if we could combine an OHA reduction with a redesign of the system. That way Soldiers could pocket the difference on their actual rent and OHA, a win/win. Soldiers could get some extra money and the US taxpayer could reduce their payments to European landlords.

Winter's Bone

2011-02-27T04:25:00.000-08:00

No one should care about the Oscars. Ranking movies is as arbitrary as computers deciding football champions. And having a personal stake in the accomplishments of entertainers that are not friends or relatives is silly, Kobe and Lebron notwithstanding. Yet here we are.

So how does an average movie where nothing happens get nominated for best picture? My theory is that the Academy picks movies that demonstrate they are decent human beings. It was interracial relations in Crash. The struggles of poor Indians in Slumdog Millionaire and now the plight of poor rural whites in Winter's Bone. None of these movies are as polished, interesting, entertaining, complex in plot or revealing about the human condition as good movies should be. And yet they're put on a stage that they don't deserve. So the message is clear to those of you who aren't as talented as Christopher Nolan; if you want to get outsized critical acclaim then you need to pick the right theme. So I've come up with a few thematic suggestions to help budding filmmakers get to the Oscars:

1. Man struggles to survive in poor country when ethnic tensions boil over to racial violence. The world superpowers don't intervene in a timely fashion. Wait, Hotel Rwanda already did it.

2. Inner-city youth overcomes unimaginable personal hardships, in addition to the regular socio-economic obstacles. Wait Precious did it.

3. Inner-city youth struggle to survive in the face of arbitrary gang violence. Wait Boyz in the Hood did it.

4. People struggle to survive racial violence brought on by the Nazis. The world superpowers don't intervene in a timely fashion. Wait, Schindler's List, Sophia's Choice, Life is Beautiful, Defiance, Judgment at Nuremberg, The Reader, The Diary of Anne Frank, The Counterfeiters, already did it.

5. Regime goes genocidal on its own people. The world's superpowers don't intervene in a timely manner. Wait, Killing Fields and The Last King of Scotland already did it.

6. Homosexual. Wait Philadelphia, Brokeback Mountain, Milk, The Kids Are All Right, already did it.

7. Okay, so I'm thinking the way to go is something out of Haiti. I don't think anyone has done Haiti yet. Make it earthquake related, but not all about the earthquake. Use the earthquake as a touchstone to delve into the historical problems, how the country has been a mess for generations, people have no hope, the world superpowers didn't intervene in a timely manner. Etc. Maybe add a love story. Love that can't be because of the resulting cholera epidemic? No, too depressing. Maybe have the love interest randomly meet up because of a game show and do a big dance number at the end in a train station.

It's Easier to Get a Gun in Arizona than Attend Community College

2011-01-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

It's 2011 and I'm still opening a window to make love to the world with this blog. Sometimes a man gets an itch so bad only writing a blog post will scratch it.

So it's pretty upsetting how often America faces these violent tragedies. It's also upsetting to read that the killer's college wouldn't let him attend classes until he got a clean bill of mental health from a psychiatrist, yet he was able to get a semi-automatic pistol. It's somehow easier to get a gun in Arizona than it is to attend their community colleges.

The discourse on this tragedy is predictably annoying in some places. But there are three outstanding editorials at the NY Times alone. The great thing about those columns is that they contradict each other artfully, indicating the unknown possibilities that motivate a crazy person to kill 6 people, including a 9 year old, while a congresswoman holds a political rally. Did violent political speech play a role? Or was it just that this guy was a nut job with political beliefs that can't be placed within our partisan paradigm? And does it really matter since we're a violent country and won't use this tragedy to change one bit?

That's one thing I'm not looking forward to when I return home from Germany. It's pretty ridiculous how safe Germany is in comparison. One of my few fears in Germany is running into is a group of drunk American Soldiers. (The other is not having enough groceries before the stores close on Sunday.) Part 4 of this Wiki article I'm linking has the international crime stats comparison. And it's crazy to see how really dangerous we are. Is that because it's so easy to get powerful weapons? Is that the Founders fault, because when they said "well regulated militia" they clearly meant for criminals and crazy people to have whatever guns they wanted? Or is it because we have a limited sense of community? The Germans have so many local events. The whole country is like a county fair during the summer. Maybe it's our American impulse to outdo each other economically? And this leaves those with little ability to climb the ladder, yet huge competitive appetites, little recourse but violence?

Who knows why we're so violent. But I do know that when I return home I'll get that alarm system for my house and a gun to protect me from the home invasions and the crazies. U.S.A.

There is No Hope for Us

2010-11-19T11:23:00.001-08:00

It seems like every step mankind makes towards progress: emancipation, universal suffrage, the designated hitter; it takes another step backwards. Even within the last few decades we've seen ethnic cleansing, unnecessary wars, and the continuation of repressive regimes that deny equal rights to their citizens. It begs the question as to whether humans are in any way evolving into more mature and peaceful beings; or if we are destined to retain our darker habits, like seeking dominance through violence and social stratification, and watching reality television.

Sometime in June this year, after the Israel/Gaza flotilla episode, I visited the Holocaust memorial in Berlin. I wish I'd done more to capture the worst of what I saw. On it's own, Hagen Daas trash and spectators casually walking on the pillars don't seem like apathy to the slaughter of so many people. But there were better ways to make this point that I failed to capture. I didn't take a picture of the guys laughing and drinking beers. They were the first scene of disrespect I encountered, so I didn't think to take a picture because I didn't realize I was in for a full day of it. Video would have been better for these teenagers at the bottom here. They were jumping from one side to the other, using the memorial as a high-risk jungle gym. Video would have also done more justice to the girls with the bright umbrella up top were laughing it up like they were on a modeling shoot. And video of the overweight Arab looking guys walking behind them, these guys made a point to jump up on all the pillars they passed and then looked around to make sure people saw they were doing it. That's what made me think of the flotilla episode because I racially profiled their disrespect to mean they were unhappy with Israel policy and used this minor desecration of the Holocaust memorial to make their point instead of channeling their anger in a more productive fashion. Nonetheless, it made me realize how we're all fucked. Every last one of us.

Weddings/Celebrations, or How I Really Hope l Don't Die Alone

2010-11-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

I'm in the midst of wedding planning with the future-ex. We have gone through 18 different decisions and it looks like we've come all the way around and settled on number four. We've only been doing this back and forth, settling on a decision, telling people about it and then reversing ourselves for three months. It's really really exciting stuff.

We had initially planned a destination wedding, since we're already in Europe and it would be easy on us. But then my buddies Mark (pictured right) and Amy (not pictured but way out of his league) had their wedding in Greece and it was too incredible. The food, the company, the villa where we all stayed, the small restaurant with a patio where they had their wedding at sunset, it really was some of the most amazing time I've spent on this earth. (Only slightly behind the times I get stuck watching an entire season of a TV show or playing Civ 4 until 3 in the morning.) I don't want to spend too much time gushing over how great their wedding was because of the proper gender roles for males in the United States and all. But the point is it made me and the little lady realize that we shouldn't do a destination wedding. We could never pull it off. Their friends and family were all pretty wonderful and got along so well. And our families, well, they wouldn't, to a possibly disastrous degree.

So we're going for a get-in get-out, four hour, hope-no-one-we-love-does-anything-too-embarrassing type of wedding. The other good aspect of a four hour wedding is that it'll help us avoid thinking too hard about how we've let our friendships slide because we really never see or talk to these people anymore and how we're terribly, terribly alone in this world so this marriage better work out or we better have really caring children.

Anyways, we're going to keep it down to about 40 people so please don't be too upset if you're not invited. If there's one thing this wedding process has taught me is that I can't believe how many weddings I thought I would've been invited to but justifiably wasn't. Completely reasonable choices there everybody. We really don't know each other well enough to blow that kind of money on food and drinks. So I'm sorry I sent those letter bombs. In hindsight, that may have been an overreaction.

Season 2 of The Wire Could Help Us Win in Afghanistan

2010-11-07T02:12:00.000-08:00

The second season of The Wire gets a bad rap from everybody I know. While it's not the best season (4 clearly is), it's under appreciated. My friends don't like it because it's not the gangster shoot-'em-up of the other seasons. This misses the point. The second season went to a dying-but-once-proud industry, the stevedores at the docks, in a dying-but-once-proud city. That enabled The Wire to make the show more than a look at the inner-city problems and focus on the dysfunctions of Baltimore as a whole; a city with a civil service that doesn't genuinely care about helping the public and a public that has few genuine employment opportunities for it's lower educated. The only hope they have to improve their economic lot is to steal stuff off of boats or get involved in the drug trade.

This is the closest to a news article that I could find on what's going on with Army supplies in Afghanistan. But that article, like me, doesn't precisely get to my point. The goods that those trucks we're carrying on their way to Afghanistan went through the ports at Karachi. And a lot of the goods going through Karachi are connexes carrying Soldiers' personal gear. These connexes are getting pinched at an alarming rate. At the claims conference I just went to, we were given instructions on how to prepare Soldiers for recovering the value of their lost items, because it's almost a guarantee that a good percentage of Soldiers will have their stuff stolen.

So this is where the second season of The Wire comes in. If only the Taliban, warlords, or sticky-fingered Pakistani dockworkers could watch some pirated DVDs of season 2, they could see that they're not much different from the lower-educated working poor of the United States. We also have people who were born and raised where the opportunity to succeed was stunted because of poor socioeconomic conditions that were then exasperated by a corrupt and inefficient government. We too have people seeking to improve their lot by stealing from cargo containers or selling drugs. And once our enemies see this, maybe they'll empathize with us. Maybe this empathy will move them away from killing us, and allow our Soldiers to establish a more peaceful regime; a regime that doesn't tolerate terrorists and has more rights for females, even if that regime isn't much more democratic and is ridiculously corrupt.

At the very least, here's hoping that season 2 of The Wire becomes better appreciated. God knows with the laptops, flat-screen televisions, and DVDs that have been stolen from our connexes, our enemies have the opportunity to watch it.

We Never Got Around to that Mob Justice

2010-10-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

I just read The Big Short. Thanks for sending that Moms. The book made the financial panic from a few years ago fresh in my mind. You know, the one where the douchebags walked away with their millions, jobs, and positions of financial and political power despite needing billions of no-strings attached taxpayer money to keep their industries alive.

So this rekindled my rage. Impotent, impotent rage. And I was wondering if anyone wanted to get some pitchforks and burn down some mansions in Connecticut? I'm pretty sure it would make us all feel better. And God knows those guys never got what was coming to them. I'll be in the area next June. Please let me know.

Boast Post 2 - My First Published Article

2010-10-30T05:46:00.001-07:00

So no big deal, but I made it under the fold on P.10 of the bi-weekly military newspaper in Bavaria. It's the largest English speaking military newspaper in all of Bavaria. Maybe if the middle school bake sale didn't go so well then I would have been above the fold, but oh well.

Bottom line -- it's going to cost Soldiers more than they want when their marriages fall apart, and their marriages do fall apart. I guess that's what happens when 19 year-olds are marrying so they can get a few extra hundred bucks each month, or when any relationship goes through repeated deployments. So hopefully my upcoming marriage will be different. And if not, hopefully the future-ex isn't aware of my support obligations under the Army Regulations.

Boast Post

2010-10-22T04:02:00.001-07:00

I just maxed my push-ups and sit-ups on my last PT test. An anecdote in Where Men Win Glory says Pat Tillman couldn't do that in a PT test he failed before Ranger school. So I guess that means I'm more hardcore than Pat Tillman, if you ignore the fact that he passed Ranger school, saw combat, and played in the NFL, which I will.

I scored a 288 out of 300 on the physical test, a physical test that is used as a metric in evaluating JAG attorneys. So this is good news, since the more push-ups and sit-ups I do then the better lawyer I am. It's all very exciting.

The Most Absurd, Ridiculous, Self-Congratulatory Wedding Article of all the Ridiculous, Absurd, and Self-Congratulatory Wedding Articles

2010-08-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to write this post. I'm a bread breaker not a feud maker. (That rhymes and you know it rhymes.) I went to law school with this guy but I don't know him personally. And by posting this I know I might make any reunion encounters with him pretty awkward. So hopefully I can vent on this without facing slaps from a dueling glove, since he seems like the type to carry a dueling glove.

So here is the article. There is so much to unpack. I could spend 4 paragraphs going through this line by line, but I've said almost all I could on g-chat and email the last few days with fellow alumni. The sword cutting the cake, the ride around in the John Deere tractor like they're of the people, the way they signed they're love letters in college, when he says "she sharpens my pencil intellectually..." etc. There's just too many people in this world who take themselves too seriously, and it's not helping anything. Hopefully public (if one could call my blog public) shamings can put a stop to it. So here's hoping that their kids will love them despite their faults, but not turn out so pretentious.

I Just Can't Quit Pat Tillman

2010-08-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm still fighting the battle over the mendacity of the Bush Administration, especially as it relates to one of the most unjust and unnecessary wars this great country has ever fought. Or maybe it's because I'm an Army lawyer, and we didn't do the greatest work in the 15-6 investigations and deep down I wonder if I would have done any better if I had been in that position. Or maybe it's because I'm honorable and I value the truth for its own sake, and I respect what Pat Tillman sacrificed and it's unbelievable how his sacrifice was betrayed by his country. God I hope it's just that last one.

Regardless, there's an article in the Huffingpost. The upshot of the article is that there's a movie on Pat Tillman coming out. And for some publicity, the makers of the movie released two of of Pat Tillman Sr.'s letters to the Army. These letters are incredible. They got me all fired up about the handling of Tillman's death again. As Sr. lays out, it seems almost impossible that there was not an organized cover-up. This was one of the messages of Krakauer's book, although Krakauer placed the blame on the Bush Administration's desire to distract from Abu Ghraib in an election year. Man, I can't wait for that movie. Here's hoping that movie will allow more people to finally accept that the Bush Administration was one of the worst things to ever happen to this country. Maybe then we won't elect those who remind us of them to a position where they can do our country so much damage. (I'm talking about you Sarah Palin.)

It's Almost Like I've Accomplished Something

2010-08-03T10:30:00.001-07:00

It's so exciting to get back into this blogging business and have one comment in my last five posts (thanks Pops). In the paraphrased words of Kilgore Trout, it's like I'm opening a window and making love to the world with my writing here.

Anyways, this post is really about my friend. Have any of you (and by you I mean my Pops) ever felt like you did something great through the accomplishments of others? And I'm not just talking about Lakers' fans here. I'm referring to my buddy who is clerking for Scalia in the 2011-2012 term. It's just effing incredible. I can't help but feel a little proud, even though I didn't do a damn thing. He always was the smartest one in our classes. And with this on his resume he'll never have to worry about employment the rest of his life. There probably is a downside to this somewhere. Like how he'll have to suffer silently while his boss reads out phrases like "well regulated militia" or goes all living Constitution for a one-off and says it violates equal protection to manually recount votes for Republican presidential candidates who 'legitimately' claim elections. But that's such a small down side. It's just pretty effing incredible and I can't wait to hit him up for a job and/or money in the near future.

Army Safety Day

2010-07-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

So to cut down on accidents, lost work days and other occupational hazards, we had to sit through a full day of safety briefings. Seven hours of mindless life lessons: don't drive drunk, don't put up pictures of naked girls at your work station, put your garbage in a garbage can, etc.

One of the briefs was on food safety. We were told to watch out for the "danger zone." The danger zone is 40-140 Fahrenheit. Apparently, you're not supposed to let food remain in the danger zone for more than four hours. The message is simple enough: refrigerate and cook your food.

Nonetheless, in the hallway there was a unit fundraiser. Some entrepreneurial types were using this opportunity to sell food. They had sandwiches of assorted meats and cheeses for the soldiers on breaks. At the end of the briefings, after the guy on suicide prevention wasted an hour of our collective lives because he wasn't there to talk about suicide no he was going to talk about the connection between attention deficit disorder and PTSD in an unbelievably boring monotone/mumble, the sergeant in charge of the briefing offered the rest of the sandwiches for free. Just a few hours after that danger zone message was hammered home. We must have heard it 10 times. But a group of soldiers scooped them up even though the sandwiches had been there all day in the 80 degree heat. Oh, and the lady giving the sexual harassment brief winked at me. I knew her from before and we talked about a case we both worked on. You can't make this stuff up.

Octopus Proves Everything we Thought about Religion and Science is Wrong

2010-07-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid that people are unwilling to admit the full implication of Paul the octopus's predictions. In predicting the winner of games, Paul took longer to predict the winner in close matches. This shows that the final scores weren't just revealed to him. That closer games took longer to predict means Paul saw the future on some fast forwarded Tivo-like apparatus, and in those closer games he had to watch the game all the way to the end.

The implication of this is clear, with special talents and perceptions a sentient being can see the future. Perhaps it is not seeing. Perhaps it is simply understanding that time is but an illusion. Nonetheless, the fact that an octopus of all creatures is first to demonstrate this ability shows two things: modern science and the Judeo/Chrisitian/Islamic model of understanding the world is horrendously flawed. For both the JCI model and modern science completely rule out the possibility of a lowly invertebrate predicting future world events. For science, man is the dominant creature who contains the highest level of sentient functions. It looks like in that 95% of dark matter that science cannot currently comprehend, some entity is projecting World Cup soccer matches that humans cannot currently perceive. And for the JCI, there are but one God (or three depending on how you count that Trinity), a God who reveals his majesty to human prophets, not eight-legged ink producers incapable of profiting off this knowledge at a sports book.

So how does the octopus access this higher level of consciousness, one where future events are fast-forwarded? We cannot be sure. But the facts before us are starkly clear, this realm exists and it is possible to be accessed. This octopus has done so. It remains for the rest of us to discover it as well. The first one to do so gets crowned the new Jesus/Ace Rothstein. Here's hoping it is I.

A Legal No-Man's Land

2010-07-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

I came across this news story a few weeks ago. I couldn't blog about it then because the future ex-Mrs Fantastic was still in town and she's demanding of my time.

So the upshot of that article is that a US Army civilian threatened to kill his neighbor with an ax. The neighbor had been blowing a vuvuzela during a World Cup game. This threat took place in the city of Weiden, the lovely German city I live in. So coupled with that I'm also an attorney for the Army, I can offer insight as well as geographic proximity to this story.

Here is that insight: The US Army civilian is an a unique place legally. If the Germans do not prosecute a US civilian criminally then the civilian faces no criminal sanction. The US authorities may bar a civilian from post or from receiving a stay beyond a tourist visa. And of course those can be punishments and/or annoyances, but they don't go on your permanent record the same way a conviction does. The only blemish to one's permanent record is that a MP report is created with the civilian's name as the subject. If that civilian later seeks a job with the government the report will be available during the background check, making employment harder to come by. And of course, this civilian who threatened Germans with an ax may lose his or her current job. However, considering the amount of US civilians out here, especially the number of children to servicemembers, one does not have to think too hard about situations in which criminal acts may go unpunished, especially since this is a much more decriminalized society than ours. So if a crime is simply at a minimum level where the Germans do not care to prosecute, then even if an American district attorney or Army Judge Advocate would prosecute the case if they could, the US civilian will face no criminal sanction.

Any who, the main point of this post is that I was in a unique position to discuss this case a few weeks ago when it happened. That's Weiden on the right. The young Germans blow vuvuzelas all the time here and it's annoying enough to drive a person to threaten murder. And since I couldn't blog about this story when it happened I had to settle for comments on other websites, where I tried to make the points made above, although much briefer, on my new favorite website, Deadspin. But the authors/editors of Deadspin deleted two of my attempts to share these valuable insights. And what's even more enraging, is that something similiar happened at Gawker a week prior to the Deadspin deletions, except that at Gawker another commenter stole the joke I had made in a subsequent comment of his own.

So essentially the entire point of this post is that I spend too much time making internet comments and checking on the responses, only to see the jokes stolen and the comments deleted. It's a ridiculous state of affairs. If it were not for the power of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice to punish me, I would ax chop every last one of them.

The Future Ex-Mrs.Fantastic

2010-07-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who remember this post I got good news. I am one step closer to divorcing that lovely lady. We got engaged last week. For those of you who say we don't really know each other and it's too soon, you're probably right. And for those who are emailing her that I'm mentally abusive, I have her password. I intercept and delete those before she reads them, and I have a long memory for those who cross me.

Anyways, so if enjoy hearing romantic stories of how people make such terrible life decisions, you're out of luck. Just know that I was incredibly awkward and she made me agree to pre-nup before saying yes. USA! USA! USA!

Hitler is More Evil than Lebron James, but just Barely

2010-07-10T04:23:00.001-07:00

So Lebron James engages in an hour of ridiculous self-promotion and people on the interwebs completely lose their minds. Deadspin goes nuts, which is weird since they're so good at making fun of shit that needs to be made fun of and not the slightly annoying stuff that this is. Case in point, it's great when they go after owners of sports franchises who are truly insane.

But my God, a superstar athlete acts like an attention hungry man-child and the world goes crazy. Keep in mind that he's also trying to take the sting out of losing $30 million by raising his brand name. He was hoping to get some more endorsements and jersey sales but he miscalculated and came across like an ass. Yes it's douchey to be so self-important, but Lebron did arrange for the ad money from this spectacle to go to charity so are you really that mad? It's not his fault he lives in a saturated media culture. He's just using it for his own purposes. So he's self-centered. Whatever. He's not running for Jesus so can everyone just calm the eff down?

Anyways, my favorite overreaction has been by Bill Plashke. He called Lebron James crass, callous and a coward. To sum up Plashke's rant, he's basically saying Lebron James broke up with the city that loved him in the wrong way and that he was undeserving of this attention since he never won a championship.

Dealing with that first idiocy, really? You're outraged the guy made an announcement on TV? Maybe Lebron should have taken Cleveland out to lunch. Except that might be a little pricey to take out a few million people at once and he did just lose $30 million. Perhaps he should have done what the new media darling Kevin Durant did. Durant tweeted his decision to get the max contract from his home team. And now loyal is every sportswriter's favorite word, like an athlete is supposed to stay with a team no matter what. It doesn't matter how incapable the team is of ever winning a championship due to it's small market nature and bat-shit crazy owner. Loyalty is the new metric by which we measure athletes, not how much they desire winning.

But what's even more ridiculous is that Plashke is so enraged that he won't give Lebron any credit at all. He also wrote, "Don't buy the spin that, because he could have made a guaranteed $30 million more on a potential Cavaliers contract, James is leaving Cleveland only because he wants to win." Really? Then why is he walking away from that $30 million? Shits and giggles? So he can live a Buddhist life of austerity?

Bill never offers a reason why Lebron took less money. He just offers why Lebron couldn't win in Cleveland. Apparently Lebron "left because he didn't have the innards to take the final step with complementary players that the Cavaliers continued to acquire." So apparently Lebron didn't win because he didn't have the proper innards for winning. So the Cleveland roster was filled with players who could win a championship, if only Lebron's innards were built for said winning. Maybe if Lebron had a better gastrointestinal tract he could have stopped Manu Ginobli, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan from running all over a Cleveland team that had Daniel Gibson starting in a finals series. Or maybe a less immuno-deficient spleen could have made Ilgouskis or Varajo defend Dwight Howard one-on-one in 2009, preventing Orlando from swinging the ball around to their unguarded 3 point shooters. Or maybe stronger stomach acid could have dissolved Rajon Rondo and prevented him from throwing down Oscar Roberston style triple-doubles against an over-matched Cleveland back-court. Seriously, does anyone still think Cleveland team is worth anything? What happens when that team hovers at .500 and barely makes the play-offs next year? Will Plashke attribute their sucking to Delonte West's innards? Or will it force him admit that Lebron James is the best basketball player on the planet who made a pretty mediocre team one of the league's best and after 7 years of trying to win with a franchise that couldn't attract another legitimate player, Lebron has now done what every sports writer has always asked a super star athlete to do, to be less selfish and take less money and focus on winning a championship? Oh no it won't, cause loyalty is how we measure athletes now. We should pick athletes the same way we pick our puppies, that will put people in the seats and banners in the rafters.

Anyways, I do have some last minor points. For anyone who says the Florida tax laws make up for walking away from $30 million then you are an idiot. Ohio taxes income above $200,000 at 6%. And for you mental retards who would say such a thing let me do that math for you: Lebron is losing around $28 million by going to Miami. (Of course this doesn't compare property or sales tax but I can't imagine they make up for that final $28 million in a significant way.) Secondly, saying Lebron didn't win a championship so he's undeserving of attention ignores how overrated championships are when evaluating the talent of players in team sports. How good a player is is neither sufficient or necessary for winning a trophy. Should Steve Kerr get an hour on television to talk about how he landed ass-backwards onto amazing teams to win 5? Or maybe Kobe would like to talk about how he wanted to leave the Lakers in the beginning of 2007, you know, because there wasn't enough talent around him to get him out of the first round of the playoffs? Is that the type of intestinal fortitude Plashcke is talking about? Whining about not having enough talent and then having your GM steal Pau Gasol for a ham sandwich in one of the most unfair trades in the history of mankind?

So in conclusion, people are ridiculous and get angry over ridiculous things. And for some reason the media turns against a person and then creates arbitrary standards on how to evaluate their new darling. I cannot wait for the day that Kevin Durant tweets or updates his facebook status or pod casts his trade demand to a contender.

I Don't Even Believe in Jebus

2010-06-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic of a giant Jesus statue before it caught on fire. It made me think of some hi-larious jokes. Too bad I already emailed these jokes around, so the five people who read this blog have already read them. But my dad hasn't, so here they are again.

1. that jesus had it coming

2. wait, large metal objects attract lighting? who knew.

3. don't worry, in three days there will be a new giant jesus statue.

4. definitive proof that the apocolypse is coming.

i'll be here all night people.

My Intellectual Property Stolen Yet Again

2010-04-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

This isn't the first time this has happened. Or the second, since the Onion stole from me with this article.

This time it was Colbert who stole from this obscure blog. Since I'm busy serving my country in Germany and unable to sue in US court, I'll just have to hope this post shames Colbert to send that apology/check.

So here's my link where I made Obama bowing jokes culminating with him bowing to a dog. And here is Colbert doing the same thing a year later.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

President Obama Bows Again

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

And what's kind of weird is that in the same episode where Colbert rips me off, his guest talks about how plagiarism should be allowed in today's modern world. From watching about a minute of this interview, I gathered the guest was arguing that plagiarizing is okay since artists have been borrowing ideas from each other since the dawn of time. And that sounds like some ridiculous shiite, since it ignores the nature of the borrowing. People improving on other's ideas and using other's as inspiration is not the same as whole-scale appropriation. And this argument also ignores that just because something has been done in the past doesn't make it an ethical practice to continue in the present. But whatever. I don't feel like arguing with a creepy bald guy on my blog. I'll just save that for when I see my Dad at Christmas. Zing!

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

David Shields

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

So You're Saying We're Going to Take a "Wait and See" Approach on the Revolution?

2010-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've been following this health care debate closely. Pretty entertaining stuff. And I came across a pretty funny post at Redstate.

So with passage of this health care legislation looking imminent, this Redstate poster wants every one to know that now isn't the time for a revolution. He thinks it best to work within the system. How nice. He's so reasonable.

So we've gotten to the point where if you disagree with legislation passed by a majority in the house and 59 senators then you have to cajole other people on your side not to violently overthrow the government. Well, at least for the time being. I mean, now we're just talking about reducing future deficits by over a trillion dollars and making sure insurers can't disqualify you for preexisting conditions. But maybe if we had a non-profit insurance option that is funded entirely by private premiums but administered by the government, well then we'll get the blood running in the streets.

Anyways, I would have simply posted my hilarious comment on the article at the site but while trying to register for Redstate I noticed that they only accept opinions of people who agree with them. Which is also nice and reasonable of them. So unfortunately I won't get to annoy a few coup plotters with that hilarious insight. Instead I'm going to post some crazy Google search terms in the hopes that some of them will come across this post:

Obamacare, death panels, tyranny, Rush Limbaugh, revolution, kill this bill, Obama is the anti-Christ, I hate those I predefined as my enemy so even when they propose sensible legislation that doesn't drain the Treasury like the Medicare Prescription Drug Act that I supported I completely lose all sense of proportion and start talking about revolution in the name of the Founding Fathers even though their revolution set up the process that is being followed here, since I'm such an outspoken homophobe there's like a 50% chance I'm a self-hating closet homosexual, Sean Hannity has good hair, deem and pass.

Short Story

2010-03-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm posting a short story of mine here. I tried to post it way back when but gave up when it wouldn't work. Not this time. I won't be discouraged this time. (Unless no one likes it. Then I'll be really discouraged and probably alternate between self-pity and self-aggrandizement and do ridiculous stuff like send my friends emails with a link to this old gem as a coping mechanism.) Any who, here it is:

“Really?”

“Yes it’s true, but I don’t like talking about it. Can we drop it?”

“I don’t mind you know...it doesn’t bother me.”

“Let’s just drop it.”

“Fine...but just know that I don’t care. We’ve all done things that we’re embarrassed about.”

“Yea, I know. It’s just that this was one of those things that I really didn’t want you to know about it. It’s sooo embarrassing.”

“I know, Baby...but it’s knowing these things that make relationships stronger.”

“I don’t know about that...”

“Of course, Honey. You can’t truly love someone unless you know about them completely.”

“I don’t know... I think there still are some things you should keep from each other.”

“Really? You’re keeping things from me?”

“No... It’s just that you can’t see someone completely and still love them...”

“Well...maybe at first...I do agree that you got to be careful at first...uh...but, uh, but not forever...wait, maybe you’re...”

“What?”

“Hmm?”

“What were you saying?

“I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were. You trailed off there...What were you saying?”

“It’s nothing.”

“What do you mean it’s nothing? What were you going to say?”

“...”

“Don’t do this. I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Hmm?”

“You wanted to say something. Something’s on your mind.”

“Nothing...it’s just that you can’t reveal too much information in the beginning of a relationship... You’re right...”

“Uh., huh.”

“...”

“...”

“I don’t know...this is awkward now...”

“...”

“Ok, it’s just that... This conversation. And I don’t know, it’s got me thinking of something I hadn’t thought of in a while...”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, um...how to say this the best way...it’s just...it’s just that I’ve killed a man.”

“What?!”

“Ha, now calm down... It’s not what it sounds like... It’s just...well...I don’t want to keep any secrets from you.”

“Ok...”

“Ok, I can see you’re upset. Like I said, it’s not what it sounds like... It
was a few Christmases ago... You know my family goes to the bar on Christmas Eve?”

“...”

“Well I was driving on the way back…and I was a little buzzed... Everybody was pretty tanked. We were just having a good time like we always do... It's not like I was doing anything terrible. I was just driving a little buzzed is all."

"...ok..."

"And then we were driving on this bridge, this narrow icy bridge, and I see a guy standing off the side of it...”

"Uh-huh."

"And it was the holidays. You know how people get during the holidays. So I stop the car... And I get out, to see how he's doing...and he's just staring out, looking down at the water. So like I said I'm a little buzzed, and I inch closer and I think ‘ I'll probably be helping this guy out. If he really wants to do it but he's afraid. You know, he’s obviously alone, just probably too big of a coward to pull it off.’ So I push him. Like I said, help him out you know."

"Oh my God!"

"Yea, so I get back in the car, and drive home."

"Wait, wait. Wait, your family saw you do this?!?"

"Yea it was their idea. So anyways, we go back home, go to bed, wake up the
next day and open the presents and what not.”

“What do you mean it was their idea?!?”

“Honey, please, I’m in the middle of my story here... Anyways, so we eat the turkey, watch some basketball, and then later in the day we see it's all over the news, the story of the 'Falling Fiancée.'"

"What?"

"Yea, crazy huh? Apparently the guy was out on the bridge to ask his fiancée to marry him. He'd made this enormous banner. That was the route they were taking the next day. And he'd pinned it to the bridge. But to pin it he had to climb over the railing, on the side. So, so like when I saw him, he wasn't going to jump, he was just asking his girlfriend to marry him."

“Oh my God!"

"Yea."

"Oh my God! Oh my God! That was you?!”

"Yea. Crazy huh?"

"Oh my God! I remember that. That was all over the news! And this whole time
they’ve thought it was just an accident! They thought he'd fallen...oh my God...my God...that girl was so sad. She'd had her Christmas ruined...her life...everything."

"...yea..."

"Wow...I can't believe it... This whole time, that was you, and no one has any idea."

"Yea, well...except for my family...and now you..."

"Wow......wow...yea...yea...

“...”

“...”

“So you can see why I waited this long to tell you?”

“...yea...yea...I'm not sure I could have continued seeing you if I knew that earlier."

"I know! That’s my point…”

“Wow...I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think...”

“I know Baby. It’ll take some time...but I mean, don’t you sort of already feel closer to me?”

“I don’t know...”

“C’mon, just a little bit.”

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon Baby...just a teency, eency littie itty bit?

“He-he...ok, but just a little bit.”

“Ok Baby...(they kiss)...thanks Baby...and...you know you can’t say anything
now.”

“Of course.”

“Not to anybody.”

“I said of course.”

“I know what you said, but you tell your sister everything…and you can’t tell her.”

“I won’t tell her.”

“Promise? ”

“God I promise, jeez. Relax.”

“Ok ok...It’s just you like telling her stuff.”

“I told you I wouldn’t.”

“Ok...”

“...”

“...”

“Hey you got to promise me something though.”

“What’s that, Honey?”

“You got to promise that you won’t ask me with a banner. That’s so lame."

“Ha. You don’t have to worry. I got it all planned out. I’m going to ask you at a baseball game.”

“Oh God! No way! I’m saying no if you do.”

“Ha-ha. That makes it even better. Think how funny that would be for
everyone watching?”

“God you’re so weird.”

“You know you love that about me, Baby... (they kiss again)

“He-he...thanks Babe. But I’m serious. Don’t ask me at a baseball game.”

Thoughts on Germany

2010-03-06T09:28:00.001-08:00

There's a lot of good stuff about Germany. It's clean. It's ridiculously safe. There's only one homeless guy. Too bad the language is so gross. And the people aren't much more attractive either. This picture is from their Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. (They call is "Sprortsvergenishkahn Swimsitallegfarhnhof".) Which reminds me, I saw a German version of Us Weekly ("Usenbahnherfin Wookindedoffly") in the market the other day. It had a picture of Boris Becker with a baby and a woman. The headline was all caps with lots of exclamation points and it hit me no matter what differences we may with other nations, we can all share in the same retarded pop culture.

But a bigger problem than celebrity obsessions and ugly, ugly people is that these Germans are selfish with their space. Me and my woman were refused seats twice on the same train. We came up to ladies with bags on the seats next to them. I'd point at the bag and in halting English ask if we could sit. Both times they shook their heads and otherwise indicated that wasn't going to happen. I assumed that they were saving the seats for other people. And so me and the lady stood awkwardly for a bit before some other seats opened up. But as the trip continued, it became clear that no one was coming to take those others seats and that I had failed to stand up to frail middle-aged women and their luggage.

But the take-home point from this nonsense isn't that I let minor evil prevail but that some German instincts, like the need to occupy more space, don't go away. And in a way I guess those instincts were always there. Lebensraum predated Hitler after all. So the take home point from all this nonsense is that it's probably not a good idea to let the Germans reconstitute their armed forces.

Anyways, here are some pictures of the ghettos, the most rundown places I've seen in this crowded country. Notice the way the man in the middle of town gets the socially acceptable amount of distance from his fellow citizens.

On a completely unrelated note, I want to talk about American politics for a second. The health care debate, where we can't have a reasoned discussion or any form of compromise, has me thinking of my prediction from back in August 2008. Just wanted to bring that one up again to show how much I understand human nature is all. No real relation to space-hungry Germans. It's just that this is another cause of my daily frustrations, to be fighting the same partisan battles year in and year out without people realizing why they truly hate their political opponent. Oh well. Such is life.

Lessons Learned

2010-01-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

So I've completed all my training and finally reported to Germany. And I'm back to sharing learned Army lessons. Hopefully this one goes over better than the last time when I had to reedit my post because I was revealing state secrets.

October 4 -- I report to Oklahoma and for the first time regret joining the Army. It has got to be the worst state. Now I see why the Native Americans cried all the way here, and why we didn't later steal this place back from them.

October 15 -- I learn to like Army food. It isn't that bad. You get burgers made for you right there. Thursday is soul food day. Tuesdays you got tacos. Plus it's free. And it's hard to argue with free food. Unless you're crazy. Then arguing with free food probably comes pretty easy. You'd be all like "C'mon Free Food, you know that's hypocritical of you to complain about the deficit. Remember when you supported Bush cutting taxes during war time? Where were you on that one? Just sitting under the sneeze guard, not saying a damn thing. That's where."

November 4 -- DCC ends and BOLC begins, so a new batch of soldiers join us and it becomes crystal clear that I got lucky securing a lady back in Charlottesville. To say there are slim pickings when it comes to Army ladies is like saying prison can be confining or that Kobe Bryant can shoot too much. Which brings up a corollary point, if you're a lady having trouble finding a mate then sign up for your country. Or at the very least consider moving to Lawton, Oklahoma. You'll do very well for yourself and you'll be helping out the patriots that make this country so great. Win-win.

November 11-20 -- I learn some cool Army skills. How to shoot plastic men with an M-4, how to find sign posts with a protractor and a compass, and how to stack naked prisoners in human pyramids. Just kidding on that last one! The Army doesn't have the budget for that one anymore.

December 7-11 -- I learn I could never make it in the infantry. It was freezing and we didn't have enough food or sleep. The only thing getting me through the week in the field was knowing that I would be spending the weekend in a hot tub and the rest of my career in an office.

December 11 -- Sleeping in a billet with 22 other doods, showering in groups, and sitting on the back of a truck for 3 hours while the only thing keeping me warm is the embrace of the weird guy next to me, kinda sucks. So you know when you see those Coke commercials and everyone is so happy and dancing around and you're thinking, "Yea right Coke. You're what I've been missing my whole life. You're the secret to happiness." But going without and being uncomfortable makes you appreciate the simple pleasures in life. Those monks may have a point. And for some reason soda is the most amazing thing in the world when you get back from the field. Showers are pretty amazing too. And hot food. Just a recalibrating and what are the nice things in life. Seriously, these monks may really have figured out the secret to happiness. Still, I'm glad I won't be spending any more time in a field ever again. That's just ridiculous.

December 20 -- I get back to California and head to Malibu for a hike. It was pretty amazing. It was 70 degrees in winter. I was wearing shorts and looking out of the ocean. I forgot how awesome California can be, especially after spending two and a half months in what has to be the biggest sh*t hole in the world.

December 23 -- I learn that driving in LA during a work day, when it takes 2 hours to travel 40 miles, is the kind of thing that makes me wish for a new plague to thin the herd.

Women Will Do You Wrong

2009-10-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

Once again I have been wronged by a lady. At least this one didn't break my heart, or lie, or accuse me of date rape. This one just took my blog post idea, tweaked it and got credit on Above the Law. So once again my intellectual property has been stolen on the internet. (Point number 2 in that post.)

One can spend a lifetime stewing over their bad luck, making their life one of bitter resentments and wondering what could have been if their life had turned out differently or the government had enforced existing laws against internet piracy. Since I want to avoid that focus on the negative, I've decided to find peace with this whole situation. And to find this peace I've decided I need to come clean, to acknowledge my own appropriation of other's intellectual property.

So here is an accounting of all the times I've stolen other people's jokes:

"Dood." A funny way of writing the word dude. I stole that one from my buddy Aram Keuilian. I know it's not that great of a joke, but I've really made it my own. I've been doing it nonstop in emails, Facebook posts, and G-chat for like 5 years now, even though no one else finds it funny and almost everyone asks me to write the word out normally. I dunno. There's something about the double O there that really does it for me.

"How come you hear 'nigga please?' But you never hear 'nigga thank you' or 'nigga you're welcome?'" I stole that one from my buddy Mark Kisting. I guess there's a chance he didn't make it up on his own, and my ignorance of pop culture has me crediting the wrong person here. But that's not the point. The point is that I've only ever heard him say it, and I've been passing it off as my own ever since. And it's really more than just a joke, since it doubles as a commentary on the downfall of social graces in the urban environment.

Anytime something ends in -er saying "but I hardly know her." You know like -- "poker" or "butter" or "foreigner". I stole that one from Mark Kisting as well.

"Foreigner, but I hardly know her!" I stole that one from the ex-special lady Tina.

"Live every week like it's shark week." Stole that one from my old roommate Freddie Nicholas. Even though Freddie stole it from Tracy Morgan, Nix made it his in the group. So I never use it in the social group I share with Nix because it's so clearly his bit. I just use it when I'm in other social groups that he's not a part of and let those ladies fawn over me and my hi-larity.

Telling people about the importance of farting on the first date. I stole that one from my buddy Zack McDermont. Although he's going by Myles McDermont these days. As far as jokes go, this also doubles as good advice. If the relationship is successful then there will come a time when you stop holding in those farts. The sooner you let them out, the less uncomfortable it is for you and less awkward it is for everbody. She's smelling them. She's not an idiot. She knows you're farting. And if she can't accept that, then that's something you want to get out sooner rather than later. You don't want to hold onto those farts, suffering discomfort for weeks or months on end, only to have her leave you anyways after she discovers you're a man-child who wore tighty-whiteys well into his 20s.

So I'm sure there are more examples of this. But that's all I got for now. Maybe the next time someone on the internet steals my shiite (like how I started using shiite in 2003 to make light of that time our country let its fears be manipulated into an unnecessary war) then I'll remember those jokes I used to steal of Hari's in high school and college. Or maybe he can just paste a conversation from gchat in the comments that show how I stole this post idea from him.

Pat Tillman and Jon Krakauer Are the Best Martyr/Author Combination Since Jesus and Luke

2009-10-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt a warm tingly sensation, the Holy Spirit if you will, take over your body and let you know you're on the right path? Well that's how I felt when I stumbled upon Krakauer's new book on Pat Tillman. Unfortunately my defense of America's way-of-life has made it difficult for me to stay on top of upcoming publications. So I didn't known of this holy union until seeing it in Barnes and Noble.

And like any Krakauer book I've ever read, this one made me want to have long discussions with my friends and family about a million different things. But seeing as I don't have any literate friends or family, I've been reduced to blogging and hoping someone Googles "pear sandwich, american heroes betrayed by their country, bearded nonfiction authors" and that they like to make lots of comments.

1. Is there any more unfathomable, interesting, awe inspiring, patriotic, or cool as fuck person than Pat Tillman? A guy who lived on his own terms. A guy unmotiveated by money or attention. He never gave one interview to promote his decision to give up the NFL for soldiering. This was just something he had to do. He didn't bother seeking praise from a media and culture that was itching to dole it out, praise that would have gone way too far and probably have annoyed the shit out of me. So he quits the NFL to join the Army, and then enlists when he could have gone for OCS. This guy wanted to get into the fight. He wanted to ensure that he took the hardest road possible. It's just so unbelievably admirable.

2. Some advice I'm going to pass on to my children: don't ever guide others up Mt. Everest without using supplemental air, become a fundamentalist Mormon, or participate in the fratricide or cover up of a true American hero and expect Jon Krakaeur to let it slide. He'll find you, call you out by name and publicly shame you.

3. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but there's a survival technique I've developed for living peacefully in this world. The world can suck sometimes. Especially when we do some seriously messed up shit to each other. Like say out of some perverted view of our national self-interest, America decides to go to war to secure access to an important and dwindling natural resource, but in order to sell the war to the public our leaders pretend the war is about preventing terrorist attacks. Then later when that rationale proves false our leaders say the whole thing was about spreading democracy. So millions of people are displaced and hundreds of thousands are killed, all because we were scared into an unnecessary war that was more about making sure we got a steady supply of cheap gasoline to fuel our large trucks and SUVs.

And you can drive yourself crazy focusing on this stuff. So to make it through this thing we're doing without going nuts, to be able to smile and enjoy this life, I'll try to focus on the good parts. Like friends, family, lady love, good books and movies, Mexican food, etc. I put the infuriating parts of this existence out of my mind as best I can. But then I read something like this book, which not only brings up that most unjust of wars, but also reminds me of the disgusting level of deceit that our government engaged in when patriots like Pat Tillman died fighting for their country. And for what? Why did the people in power want to hide that he died because of friendly fire?

4. Krakauer has a few theories about why they did it. And if these theories are true then it's all doubly enraging, but I won't share those here. What I want to talk about is Krakauer's assertion that the underreporting of friendly fire is an endemic problem for the military. That's incomprehensible to me. (Assuming it's true.) By not addressing or admitting to incidents of friendly fire the military is failing to develop measures to correct it. Pretending you're not an alcoholic isn't going to help you hold down relationships or jobs. I can't understand why the military would't want to make itself a more efficient fighting unit -- one that seeks to reduce soldiers from accidently killing each other. I dunno. It's really just incomprehensible to me.

5. Apparently there was an army general or colonel that gave an insensitive interview to ESPN a few years after Tillman's death. The officer had a theory about why the Tillman family was so angry, about why they couldn't let the cover-ups and lying go. His theory was that since the Tillmans were atheist they couldn't accept that their child ceased to exist after expiring on earth. And it struck me how much sense that makes from the perspective of someone who conceives of an after life the way this officer does. It also struck me how an atheist would consider such sentiments. That atheists would see the officer's views consistent with someone unconcerned with the truth. "Of course it doesn't matter if they lied about the way he died. Let's just close our eyes and pretend he's in a better place now and move on."

And hold on for this connection, but this all reminded me of Ricky Gervais' new movie, The Invention of Lying. In that movie, Gervais essentially claims that the story of a peaceful after life is a white lie we tell ourselves to make the pain of death more bearable. I'm not going to speculate on whether that's correct or not since my Christian upbringing still makes it difficult for me to accept that the Bible is just a bunch of stories made up by people doing their best to explain the observable world as they knew it. But that was a good movie and this was a freaking outstanding book. And I'm done talking about it now. So now I'm going to work out and hopefully feel better through endorphins, texting the special lady and feeling less alone in this world (Baby, please text back this time.) and watching the Dodgers play the Phillies, since the athletic accomplishments of men I have never met but who I root for because they play from a geographical area near where I was born tends to make me feel better.

Apologies

2009-09-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

So last night was one of those nights. And instead of sending out individual apology emails to everyone I offended, I figured I'd post them here:

Andy, I'm sorry I tried to kick you out of the shuffle board game so I could play. That wasn't cool.

Phil, I'm sorry I threatened to stab you for dancing with my special lady

Matt, I'm not sorry for threatening to stab you. You were clearly trying to freak her from behind. But I am sorry I told that one girl you have herpes.

Anna, I'm sorry I was happy the bee stung you. It's just that between the two of us, I prefer that you get stung and not me. I was also sorry to hear you whine about it all day.

Mark, I'm sorry for taking our smack-talking texts too far. I should not have said that your fiancee was making her way through the 82nd Airborne. That was out of line. I should have just said that about your mother.

JAG 179th OBC, I'm sorry you guys didn't invite me to brunch so it was kind of awkward when Anna and I were seated next to you, especially when Anna went to the buffet line for like her 4th serving and it was just me at the table and I was kind of staring at you, but also kind of pretending to be focused on my food. And I was obviously thinking, "Why didn't anyone let me know about this? I mean, I couldn't go obviously because Anna is in town. But still? Not any one of those 12 people thought to send me a text or knock on my door?"

JAG 179th OBC, I'm also sorry I keyed your cars. In hindsight, that might have taken it too far.

Also, the pic on this page came from Googling, "Mark's mom is in town." Go figure.

Army Update

2009-09-09T16:31:00.001-07:00

Friends, Family, and that really attractive Italian Supermodel who stumbled upon my blog and hasn't missed a post since --here's what's been going on the last month or so:

1. So I got called out in front of the entire company again. This time it was by a lieutenant colonel. I guess that means I'm moving up in the world? Anyways, it's really just a huge misunderstanding. I didn't say anything to those massage ladies that was inappropriate. And I have no idea why they called the JAG school and dragged my good name through the mud. I wish I were kidding. But I'm not. And I really have no idea why they're calling my chain of command about me. I have been seriously wronged. I keep meaning to go down to that massage school and demand satisfaction. (But I guess that's how I got into this problem in the first place. Hi-yo!) Seriously though, I really didn't do anything wrong, or say anything extra to these ladies to make them think they could advertise at the JAG school if they gave me a discounted massage. I got affidavits from my friends that can back me up on this. Kind of sucks, but everybody got a good laugh out of it.

2. One of the best aspects of military life is being able to just be a guy. A good example of this has got to be the farting. I've never farted so freely. It's absolutely amazing. It's kind of like I'm in junior high again, except now when we're all laughing about it, Jeff Yoshikowa's mom doesn't storm into the bedroom and yell for us to pipe down.

3. I've never heard so many disparaging remarks about gays. It's like I'm in junior high school again, except at 13 we could be excused for saying "gay" as a slur because we didn't know any better. There are lots of examples of this nonsense, but as always I'm making this about me. So my biggest problem with this is that when you're a really cool guy from California who does things slightly differently, and you do hot yoga and drink fruity margaritas and order Shirley Temples, then you will hear the "gay" slur a lot. And it's annoying. But this is obviously a lot bigger than me. And I imagine the army can suck for the homosexuals out there, since they can't really speak up when someone is using "gay" as a slur because then they'd immediately be suspect and might lose their jobs. So this one time a fellow soldier makes a gay joke in front of the entire company and a few people chuckled even though most people were silent with shock. But the few homosexuals must have been suffering silently. Oh well. Here's hoping that my friends find a better way to make fun of me and Congress changes the law on homosexuals serving so they can speak up and call someone out for making a terrible or unoriginal joke.

4. Things are going well with the special lady: she still laughs at most of my jokes, finds time to see me and hasn't made out with any of my friends or family even though I've been farting freely in front of her for a while now. It really is amazing. To let those go whenever I feel the urge? It's as if a whole new way of living has opened up to me. It's like when I first heard the Beatles.

So that's about it on the update for now. I got a few more things to say but I'll save them for a later post. But just to finish up here, did you know that if you Googled "army gay farting massages" that you get the image shown at the top of this post? Weird huh? You also gets lots of pics from 300.

The Future Ex-Mrs. Fantastic

2009-08-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I've fallen in love with a woman. She's the one on the left, screaming and pointing. That's what I love about her the most, how she screams and points at everything. Like on our first date when she kept saying, "Who are you and how did you get into my apartment? Seriously, what the f*** is going on? This isn't funny."

But the best part about the new lady is how she doesn't mind how ridiculous I am. Like how I told her I loved her even though we'd only known each other a few hours. And that didn't scare her off a second date. And then on that date, when I sung "Can't Find A Better Man" and dedicated it to her, she didn't leave with another guy.

Any who, so my point is that I may have found the one. Here's hoping that I don't have to reedit this post because I marry someone else or she starts hooking up with one of my friends.

In the Army Now

2009-08-13T16:50:00.001-07:00

I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Pear Sandwich's readership has mushroomed. It's sitting on eight readers these days. That book deal is right around the corner. The bad news is that the new readership is my chain of command, and they don't appear to be fans of this blog in the traditional sense, since fans in the traditional sense don't call you out in front of the entire company for the ridiculous nonsense you write. Apparently the First Sergeant didn't like the "today I learned..." theme from that last post. I guess he thought I wasn't learning the right lessons. From what I gathered, he figured that a few of us had gone soft and we were losing our military bearing over here in Charlottesville. And with my 'getting talked down to by sergeants' joke and some of my classmates poor judgment, he felt that we hadn't sufficiently adjusted ourselves to the rigors of military life. So he smoked us at the end of a ruck march with some extra PT. So anyways, things were a little tough for all of us. I had a talk with him afterwards to clear the air. I hope it worked. If it didn't, then First Sergeant, know that I got no problems with what's going on whatsoever. I think you're doing a bang-up job. You can talk down to me, or smoke the sh*t out of me any time. I got no complaints.

There was also a more serious problem with my last post. Apparently I'd revealed sensitive information. (You report troop positions one time and people act like you're the bad guy.) So I had to remove some stuff. So if you happen to reread my old posts as much as I do, and if the flow seems weird or the jokes don't all come together in the end, it's because I was protecting national security by selectively deleting learned lessons, not because I'm too lazy or untalented to rework an old post.

Anyways, so I'm 6 weeks into my military career, 29 years into a life somewhat well-lived, and I'm all out of life lessons to hand out for the moment...I guess I can talk about what's on my mind. I mean, it's 2009. Rome is burning and people write on the internets about what they're thinking, regardless of how interesting it is. It's just what we do with ourselves in this day and age. And who is going to stop me? You? Doubtful. My chain of command? Probably.

Any who, so what's currently going on in this beautiful noggin of mine is how ridiculous our national political discourse still is. Can you believe that there is a significant proportion of the populace sincerely worried our president is going to establish death panels? I mean, really? You people aren't kidding? You really fear the US government is going to start killing off the unproductive members of society? I hope that all reasonable people would can agree that if you're talking up the coming 'death panels' then you are either crazy, stupid, or a liar. (And by liar I mean purposefully muddling the debate and sowing fear in the crazy and stupid.) There are just so many better ways to argue about health care reform other than to just make up ridiculous ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous shite. Nice to see how many people are buying it though. Sigh.

Any who again, I got a fun weekend planned. I got a 'dress up and be a military man' dinner and drinks thing Friday. And then I got a date Saturday. I also got health care, finally. So I got mine. And I'm relatively healthy so I don't have to worry about the government killing me. Things are going well for this guy.

An American Hero

2009-07-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. I had been busy getting my affairs in order. Defending America's way of life requires lots of prep work. Push-ups. Sit-ups. Saying 'you're welcome' in front of a mirror so it sounds sincere. So the blog fell by the wayside while I got ready to report.

And then the first few weeks of my military career haven't allowed for any down time. But since arriving in Charlottesville, I finally have had a few spare moments so that I can provide for you, the civilians who enjoy the freedoms heroes like me provide, a peek behind the military curtain.

July 5th-- Arrive at Ft. Lee, VA. I learn how to be talked down to by sergeants and how to stand in the rain for unnecessarily long periods of time.

July 6th-7th -- I learn how to wake up really early, relearn what it's like to be talked down to by sergeants, and learn how to sit for an entire day in an uncomfortable auditorium filling out paperwork that I already filled out months ago. I also learn that I won't be able to go to the bathroom on my schedule.

July 8th -- The physical fitness test. I learn how to wake up at 245am to make a 330 formation, and then I learn to stand around until 430 before the physical activity begins.

July 10th-14th -- I learn how to take apart a M-16, shoot a 9mm handgun, call in a medevac, spot an IED, navigate an obstacle course, and lots of other really cool shiite. I also learn how to deal with being tear gassed.

July 15th -- After 10 days at Ft. Lee I decide that most people in the Army are pretty cool. Meaning, people really look out for each other here. A lot of it is the 'don't leave a soldier behind' mantra that's hammered home, but it's almost a lesson that doesn't need to be emphasized since most people who self-select to join a service branch are probably the giving type to begin with.

July 16 -- Our company's social event. Here I learn that the 'don't leave a soldier behind' spirit of generosity doesn't translate when there's the potential to get some. So when one of the six girls out of our company of 116 is clearly throwing herself at yours truly, those generous spirits from earlier in the week suddenly refuse to step out of the way and give me an unencumbered swing at the plate. So instead of playing everyone's favorite game of: 'last man standing with the really drunk girl', I call it a night early because one has to wake up early around here.

July 17th-19th- Weekend in Charlottesville. Eating, drinking and golf. I learn there's a golf course in a location in C'ville I'd never been before. I also learn how fun it is to be the expert on something, as I tell everyone where to go and what to do and how to get there since I'm the only one who's lived in this town before.

July 20th -- ??? The Future. What does it hold? Hero Squad? Congressional Medal of Honor? Dishonorable Discharge? Only time will tell people. My money is on Hero Squad.

An Explanation and Mini-Posts

2009-05-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Family, Friends, Criminals that I've contracted to kill my family and friends:

You've probably noticed that I haven't posted for almost a month, and I think it's safe for me to assume that you've been dying to know about the adversity I've been conquering, the life lessons I've been withholding, or the supermodels I've been sleeping with, etc. But before I get into that, I need to explain where I've been.

So I've spent the majority of the last month playing Sid Meier's Civilization IV. And it's with deep reservations that I reveal this. I couldn't decide if this was one of those secrets that I should keep to myself because it's so shameful, or if it was one of the harmless concessions prideful people should make so that we can live in a more peaceful world. I'm still not sure where this lays, but needless to say, playing this game isn't something I'm proud of.

See, I've been playing this this nerd fest of a game series off and on for the last 11 years. The crescendo of ridiculousness was in 2000 with Civ II, when I spent a few months ignoring the girlfriend, showers and academic obligations in order to bring the Babylonians the glory history denied them. And after an emperor level victory of total domination, after amassing what must be the greatest score in the history of Civilization II, I realized the emptiness that comes from fulfilling one's loserish ambitions. So I swore off the Civilization series for the last 9 years. I was successful in concentrating on more noble pursuits, like drinking too much and watching endless hours of television. But on a recent trip to San Fransisco with Nix and Hari, a trip fraught with rain that kept us indoors, I turned to our host Inder's videogames for entertainment. He just happened to have Civilization and the rest, as they say, is a history of me returning home to buy the video game for myself and repeating some terrible life decisions.

But it's not like I didn't have ideas for posts in the last month. It's just that I never fully fleshed them out since they got in the way of building settlers, vanquishing my enemies and building extensive trade networks that allowed for the development of technologies at a faster rate. But since I've sworn off this silly game yet again, I've put together the abbreviated versions of those never finished posts for your enjoyment/distraction from the vast emptiness that this existence is:

1. Taco Tuesday II- The Retacoing

I ate some tacos on their designated day to be cheap and alliterative and realized once again how fantastic boobs are. I didn't even notice the girl sitting next to me until she got up to use the bathroom, but when she walked in front of my sight line she definitively settled the question of whether there is a maker. And apparently this maker of ours is a pervert. Jebus, if you guys had only seen this girl. When she got back to her seat I couldn't eat tacos or watch the Lakers' game or talk to my non-chesty friends because the only thing in the world that mattered was this lady and her boobs. So I listened with full attention about her double major in international studies and psychology, what it was like to grow up in England, her job after graduation and I truly, sincerely, cared about each and everything she had to say. I could've listened to this girl talk about anything in the world, like how much she loves Grey's Anatomy, or how much better looking her ex-boyfriends are, or how Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are actually right about it all.

But the thing that troubled me about the whole experience was not how she lost interest after 15 minutes, but how social norms dictate that I can't talk about what was really on my mind. Why do I have to wait until after this girl has let me touch her boobs a few times before I can address how great they are? And it's not just that I can't talk about them, I'm also troubled that I got to be real careful not to get caught staring at them. So here I am straining to keep my eyes on her face while she's talking about some really uninteresting stuff, and she's wearing a cleavage revealing tank top so she's definitely aware of the effect her boobs have on guys. I mean, she wants me to notice those boobs. Or at the very least she wants better looking guys to notice her boobs. But none of us can talk about those boobs just yet. We got to wait until she's given tacit permission for us to talk about them. Sigh. It's a topsy turvy world.

2. Weekend at Bernies 3

Most of you already know that I spent the two years between college and law school trying to write a book. I called it The Great American Novel and couldn't any agent to represent it, any publisher to buy it, or any friend or family member to read it. So I gave up on the writing and instead focused on the exciting and rewarding career of being a lawyer. Sigh. But since graduating last May I've had nothing but time on my hands while I wait for this job with the Army to start. So my life has become an exercise in killing days. And I spent 3 months last fall writing short stories and outlining the next book, The Great American Novel II- Even Greater and More American, in order to get through the days without losing my mind while the rest of the world went to work. Well, the last of the rejections of that short fiction just got back to me. So that's it. No more. I've given up on putting effort into writing stuff just to have it rejected by "professionals" who have been "trained" to recognize "work" that has "artistic" merit.

But even though I'm not submitting my stories to professionals, I still have ideas that fill my head and too much time on my hands. And so I feel the need to share these ideas with the 6 of you readers. And if any of you 6 reads the comments sections, you probably noticed that the Onion basically stole from this blog when it published this story. So I'm starting to think that one of you out there has some connections in the biz, and that if I keep putting ideas on here then you'll keep stealing them and they'll keep getting published somehow. So my new business plan is to continue putting these posts on here, allow you to steal from me, and then I'll sue you and the companies that paid you.

So what's the idea that will guarantee my financial security and finally put my legal education to work? It's a movie. A fake documentary that goes behind the scenes of the filming of the big Hollywood production of the same name (Weekend at Bernie's 3 for those of you who don't understand the purpose of titles or context clues). I haven't worked out the details of the plot for the movie within the movie. I'll let the thief among you worry about why Bernie's rotted corpse is being dug up again.

But the real action is the documentary part. Of course we'll need to secure Jonathon Silverman and Andrew McCarthy to star in this thing. But I have a feeling that neither of them has any pressing engagements. There should be a scene or two with with them talking about how exciting it is to be back in Hollywood, and you can just see this excitement in their gestures and hear it in their voices. But their faces should betray an anxiousness, a nervousness that this movie will bomb just like Weekend at Bernie's 2 did and that they will have to go back to their lives of serving dinners or washing cars instead of living the good life. I think both of them have the talent to pull of the subtle anxiousness that is needed to make this aspect of the movie believable, since I felt that these men have always had some talent. But if it turns out they've lost a step or two, then the best bet is not to tell them that the documentary is actually the real film. Pretend it's some promotional thing and they'll probably be unable to hide their real fears.

But the most important part to this movie is Bernie, who isn't interviewed until about half-way through the documentary, and it turns out that he's really dead. So when he's giving the interviews he's a rotted corpse, with flesh coming off the bone and worms eating out of his stomach and all of that. But he's surprisingly articulate and has a great perspective. He'll talk about how, on the one hand, it sucks to have his corpse continually disturbed but, on the other, he understands that a man has to eat. And this whole thing is a metacommentary on the ability of the business side of Hollywood to suck the life out of anything with any artistic merit and how they'll sequel any piece of shit that's surprisingly profitable, even when the story arc to the first movie makes it impossible to credibly tell another story, but that's not important because what's important in this world is to accumulate cash so that you have a higher purchasing power than your brethren so that you can buy nicer things and go to nicer vacation spots and eat nicer food because those ends are what life is really about because it in no way makes you feel empty inside like the way a total domination victory on the emperor level with the Babylonians makes you feel empty inside, because that's a different kind of empty.

3. I Thought About Hooking Up With a Homeless Woman

In my defense, I didn't realize she was homeless at first. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I'm kind of in shape and work out and have a nice body and the ladies, if they ever were to see me with my shirt off, would swoon. So after swimming for my work out I went into the giant spa/hot tub/I'm not sure the term to call a large vat of hot water where you get fit 30 or so people is. And I'm people watching while I'm relaxing those large muscles of mine when I see an older woman with a fit body. The first thought in my head, as it often is, is whether I'd bang her since she looks good in a bikini. And while I'm deciding on yes she catches me staring. So she glances away kind of shy like, then she walks around the outside of the giant vat of a hot tub for a bit and at first I assume I just creeped her out. But then she descends the steps, flashes me a smile and moves right next to where I'm sitting. And it's in the smile that I figure it out. She's missing a tooth. So now things are awkward, because I'm looking away and pretending like I can't even see the lady I just spent 30 seconds checking out. And she also smells awful. Terrible. Like this was her bath kind of terrible. So it's hard to ignore her. And she keeps glancing over every once in a while, because she's probably assumed by the way I looked at her she can bang a meal or some money for crystal meth off of me, and now I'm pretending like I'm still people watching everyone on the stairmasters and not thinking about when it's appropriate to walk away without hurting a homeless woman's feelings. About 5 minutes into this awkward silence I decide I've had enough of this whole thing and I walk out, and on the way I look again and see she has a touch of armpit hair so now I'm certain about this homeless thing and I feel like puking for earlier thinking of what it would be like to bang her. Anyways, to make a short story even longer, I left and biked home and even though there wasn't a chance in hell that I'd hook up with a homeless woman, it was still flattering that she was so obviously into me. I guess I still got it.

Memorandum

2009-04-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

To: Pear Sandwich
From: Sir Fantastic
Subject: Empty Promises of Sex
Date: April 30, 2009

I. QUESTION PRESENTED

In California, is there an actionable claim for breach of contract when a girl promises sex but then fails to perform?

II. SHORT ANSWER

There is not an enforceable contract because public policy does not permit contracts for sex. Alternatively, even if there were a legally enforceable contract, there is no satisfactory remedy because specific performance under a contract for services will not be awarded unless the services were unique. Therefore, any remedies must be nonjudicial in nature.

III. DISCUSSION

In November 2008, Sir Fantastic (hereafter “Fantastic”) was in his bedroom with Jane Doe. Ms Doe expressed concern that things were moving too fast. Fantastic agreed to slow things down, although he was confused. Just a few nights earlier it had been Ms. Doe who had wanted sex but Fantastic had decided against it. So he queried Ms. Doe about her change of heart. She informed Fantastic that she wanted to wait until she felt more comfortable. She then promised that Fantastic would be able to have sex with her at a later date, a date that was never specified. It has now been five months since the promise of sex was made. And it is quite evident that Ms. Doe is not planning on keeping her promise.

The first issue is whether there was a contract at all. A contract is formed when there is an offer, acceptance, and consideration. Currently Unemployed v. Means No Westlaw/Lexis (Fake Citation Ct. 2009). Here, Ms. Doe offered to perform sex at a later date and Fantastic accepted. The real question, then, is whether there was any consideration.

Consideration exists when one acts in a manner for which they has a legal right to act, or when one omits to act when one had a legal right to act. Sounds Like Something v. I Learned In First Year Contracts (Fall 2005) Since Fantastic stopped making his moves after the promise from Ms. Doe, he was omitting to act where he had a legal right to act, i.e. continuing to fire up her loins. Thus, all necessary elements of a contract were present, and a contract was entered into.

However, a contract will not be enforced in California if it violates public policy. I Imagine This v. Is What the Law Is (Cal. 2009) Consensual sex between two adults, of course, does not violate public policy. However, the problem is that this situation is too closely analogous to an illegal contract. That is, one cannot contract to have sex through payment. And a court would almost surely feel that simply because the consideration in this case was nonpecuniary, that does not make the agreement any less distasteful. Thus, it is fairly certain that a court would not enforce this contract. Therefore, Fantastic would not have any success suing Ms. Doe.

As an additional point, though, even if the public policy were to change before the limitations period expired, say because the legislature changed the laws and legalized prostitution, Fantastic would still not be entitled to any satisfactory equitable remedies. That is, Fantastic will only be satisfied by the performance under the contract. He is not interested in a damage award. But since this is a contract for services, specific performance will only be awarded if the services that were to performed under the contract are of a unique quality. Memories From v. Studying For the Bar (July 2008) And judging from past experiences with Ms. Doe, these services, while nice, would not fit the definition of unique.

IV. CONCLUSION

Fantastic must seek redress outside of court. Unfortunately, Fantastic cannot call Ms. Doe since he deleted Ms. Doe’s phone number. (Fantastic was afraid he would otherwise send Ms. Doe regrettable drunken text messages.) However, even if Fantastic had that number, it does not seem like it would matter. Ms. Doe has not returned Fantastic’s last two Facebook messages, and so appears to have no interest in negotiating a settlement. Thus, Fantastic would be best served by forgetting Ms. Doe for the time being. Instead, he should focus on other females before he leaves to serve his country honorably in the JAG Corps.

There is also another reason that Fantastic should not plan on contacting Ms. Doe. There remains the possibility that in four year’s time, Ms. Doe could have a change of heart. Perhaps she will find herself single and in her early 30s. If that were the case, then it is advisable for Fantastic to not do anything that would burn the bridge with Ms. Doe. Thus, he should avoid sending any more Facebook messages or making any ridiculous blog posts. His best bet is to wait until he returns from his patriotic stint, then hope that his earning potential as an attorney and her fear of failing to lock down a man before her beauty fades are enough to overcome whatever personality or physical flaws prevented Ms. Doe from giving up the goods in the first place.

What's The Deal With People Making Racially Charged Remarks About Donovan McNabb?

2009-04-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's the strangest thing. Racially charged remarks hover over Donovan McNabb like the way he hovers over a plate of fried chicken. This shiite has been going on at least since 2003, when Rush Limbaugh worked for ESPN and had this to say:

“I think what we’ve had here is a little social concern in the NFL. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. They’re interested in black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well … McNabb got a lot of the credit for the performance of the team that he really didn’t deserve.”

And I think we can all agree that the implication of Rush's statement, that there's a liberal bias in the sports media, is idiotic. The sports media doesn't give two shits about party politics. Not anymore at least. Sure, maybe there was a time when one could make a credible argument for a liberal tint to sports reporting. Back when most of the national sports sections bucked the predominant trend and supported McGovern's candidacy for president. But that wasn't because of partisanship. That was about specific issues connected to the personalities of the men -- McGovern's opposition to the designated hitter and Nixon's secret taping of the Democratic play calls. Anyways, you get the idea. Rush is an idiot.

But for some reason the problem of racially charged remarks surrounding McNabb isn't just coming from Rush. And it's been going on for the better part of a decade. I guess McNabb didn't help matters when he said that black quarterbacks are judged more harshly than white quarterbacks. I do know that the Onion thinks McNabb is held up to a ridiculous standard. And it's really hard to argue with the Onion, since they've been so spot on about our collective ridiculousness on so many other occasions.

But I'm digressing here. I have no stake in whether McNabb is viewed differently as a quarterback because of his race. I'm just saying it's freaking ridiculous how often racially charged remarks are made about/by/with McNabb. But really all of this McNabb talk is just about me coming up with something to lead into this video I want to share. Mark, one of PS's 4 loyal readers, sent me this video today. I found it hilarious but I can't just post videos. That's not what this blog is about. It's about writing gibberish that goes on for so long that only family and close personal friends could pretend to read any of it. Purple monkey dishwasher.

I Am the One Bright Spot in an Otherwise Dark and Ugly World

2009-04-26T19:15:00.001-07:00

If you want to see the world at it's worst then watch what happens when a foul ball isn't caught cleanly at a baseball game.

I was at the Angel game a few weeks ago when someone fouled a ball straight back. An unathletic and overweight 12 year old was the closest person to it, but he only managed to get his fingertips on it. He was sitting at the front row of the upper deck and the ball just barely got high enough for him to touch it at all. The kid would have been risking death if he'd done any more, and it would have been the greatest catch by any fan of all time. Getting a hand on the ball was more than could be expected from a professional athlete, let alone this 'never going to see a naked girl' pork chop. Yet the crowd booed him mercilessly. It was terrible. I couldn't believe how cruel everyone was. Didn't they realize that the kid would probably go home and cry his eyes out? Didn't they realize that this is precisely the type of kid that is already marginalized by society? Didn't they realize that this only increases the probability of this kid killing hookers as an adult? Anyways, so I felt for the kid.

Later in that same game there was also this dad who dropped his 2 year old daughter when a foul ball was hit 5 rows behind him. I mean, the man was sitting on the aisle and the ball was heading for the stairs so he did have a good shot at catching this ball. And he did end up with it. But it's just all that he did to get it. First he dropped his kid. Then he ran backwards up those steps, but he didn't make a clean catch. So the ball rolls down the steps and he bowled down after it, knocking over anyone who got in his way. Like he seriously knocked this other guy sideways, and this other guy fell into his friends. There's bodies all over the floor here, including -- again let me emphasize the point -- his toddler who may have brain damage now, all in the pursuit of something that can be purchased at a store for $4.

So yes. This is a weird and strange world we live in. But then enters your hero Sir Fantastic.

At the Angel game today I made a clean bare-handed catch of a foul ball. No big deal or anything. I mean, this is me we're talking about. Except I didn't get the standard round of applause from the crowd for a clean catch, just because I didn't pump my hands in the air like a jack ass. I simply took my seat. A catch like that is par for the course for me. One dood even yelled out, "why didn't you do anything?" And I didn't answer because I didn't feel like turning my head. But assuming he's a pear sandwich reader, I'll answer him now.

1. I am a spectacular athlete.

I don't raise my hands over my head like I just won the lottery for making routine catches. Yes professional athletes need gloves. I do not.

2. I am a spectacular person.

See, I'm humble and don't need the shallow applause of strangers in order to feel good about myself. I'll just watch the next pitch thank you very much. Except when I'm watching the next pitch, I'm also thinking about ways I can make the world a better place. For example, there was a little tyke sitting behind me who had been talking about catching a foul ball all game. But as luck would have it for him, when the ball came our way he and his dad were on the other side of home plate. Dad later told me they'd been hanging out with friends who were sitting over there. See, when Dad got back he wanted to talk about the foul ball. Apparently he'd seen the play. And that's when I so graciously and selflessly offered the ball to the kid. That's just who I am. I am kindness. I just want to live in a better and more peaceful world. I don't need to possess things like baseballs. I want to possess things like the memories of children's smiles or a house on the beach. And no, I wasn't disappointed that the kid wasn't there when I caught the ball because then the crowd would have seen me give him the ball, and then there would have been some serious applause and recognition of how wonderful a person I am. I feel no need for others to know about the kind things I do. That's not who I am.

3. I can dream the future.

So last night I dreamt I caught a foul ball. I'm not shitting you. Seriously. I'd forgotten the dream until the third inning when it came rushing back to me. That's when I started paying more attention to the hitters in anticipation of the dream coming true, and I think that helped me catch the ball and everything. I mean, there are rational explanations for this dream so maybe it's not just that my unconscious is in tune with the other dimensions where the relativity of time lives or anything. See, the seats are in prime foul ball territory. They're on the second level near home plate and down the first base line. And since I knew that ahead of time, it's possible that my unconsciousness could have been processing my fantasies of what I hoped would happen the next day. However, I think the more reasonable explanation is that I have superpowers. And one of my superpowers is to see into the future with my dreams. So that means I have something to say to those lady friends who pop into those dreams from time to time -- man are we going to have some fun together. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Just Because I'm Ugly Doesn't Mean I Can't Break A Girl's Heart

2009-04-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

As I hope that picture demonstrates, I started out life pretty handsome. The girls loved lil’ Sir Fantastic. 6th grade was the best year, after pretty boy John Hines moved away. That’s when I became the uncontested cock-of-the-walk. The ladies would pester me about who I was going to square dance with at Outdoor Ed, or who I would do the couples skate with at the roller rink, etc.

And that younger success messed with my head. See, since then I haven't exactly been living the life of a playboy. And until this weekend I haven't been able figure out why. I mean, I've had my suspicions that it was because I got uglier as I got older. Puberty was rough on my complexion and all. But I never thought I was unattractive or anything. I mean, I still have the same basic bone structure, right? Yes dates were scare in high school and after, but I always thought that was more a result of the defective personality than the acne scars and Steve Carrell nose.

Well on Saturday I learned I'd been wrong. It's the face. I was talking with the ex-special lady Tina about how I'm essentially single again, and the conversation went something like this:

“So what’s your next move?”

“Eh, I don’t know. My Match membership is over. I guess I’ll do that new free one you’re doing, Plenty of Fish?”

“Yea it’s good. I got this thing going on…” She then talked about some guy she's talking to on there and I pretended to care, waiting for the conversation to turn back to me. When it did I explained my concerns with the internet dating.

“Yea the only problem though is that I haven’t had much success with Match even. I mean, I got a few dates and what not, but that was only with girls I knew from the real world from before. I mean, maybe it’s because my profile is kind of weird? Like it’s funny, but maybe girls who don’t know me don’t find it funny?”

“Well, what pictures you got up there? That's all that really matters. I only look at the guy’s pictures.”

“Yea maybe that's it. I just don’t know what a weird pic of me looks like. I feel like I’m pretty good looking in all of them.”

She laughed, but not in a good way. Then she proceeded to help me out by looking through my Facebook for the attractive pictures. You know, ones that I could post on Plenty of Fish. And as she was going through the 100+ photos she was making snarky comments about my fashion decisions or my facial expressions and what not. Then I realized something terrible had just happened.

“You know you only picked one photo of me.”

“Ha, really? Haha yea. I guess I'm at the end. I’ll go through them again.”

“Um, uh…that’s ok. I mean, you basically just told me I only have one picture good enough to share. And you weren’t even sold on that picture. You basically just told me I’m ugly.”

“Ha. No it’s just that I started in the middle…”

“It’s fine. I’ve been suspecting that I’m ugly for a while now.”

“No. I mean…well…why don’t you just post one of the pics of your attractive black friends?”

“You mean, make a girl think she’s going on a date with an attractive black man and then show up and it’s a white guy with a receding hair line?”

“Hahaha. Yea Exactly.”

And I laughed too. I mean, that would be pretty funny. When the lady has a good idea, she has a good idea. So here we are.

So I made the profile the other day with pictures of my friend Freddie. He's the guy standing next to the greasy faced freak above. Below is a pic I put up on the profile. (You'll have to ask him what the hell he's doing with his face and hands.)

So I figure I’ll write a follow-up blog post about how the girl/s react upon seeing me instead of Freddie on our date. There’s a few issues that mean these dates might never happen though. First, I’ve found that I’m pretty worried I’m going to hurt a girl’s feelings with this. I mean, what if some lady really gets her hopes up about this fine looking gentlemen, and then one day he just stops emailing? She might go into some neurotic self-analysis of what she did wrong, never suspecting that it was some weird ass prank. And even if we get to the point where she realizes it's a prank because there's the pimply faced white guy with the creepy smile waiting at the bar instead of Freddie, I’m not sure that will make it any better. Oh well, that’s what women get for not liking me enough.

The second problem is that I’ve found I’m still afraid of rejection. I mean, even though I’m going to be sending these messages from a fake profile, I’ve realized I’m too nervous to actually send them. I know that’s pathetic but 6th grade was a long time ago. I just have to remind myself that for all these girls know I’ve actually got hair and own a car and am in shape and don't cry for half the day about the poor decisions I've made to end up where I am.

So, like I said, if I don't get past those issues this prank will never see the light of day. So who knows if there will be a follow up post or not. But the point remains, apparently I am ugly and apparently my deepest fears were right on – the special ladies like to think on my attractive friends while the two of us are together. Oh well. Such is life. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Things Get Absurd

2009-04-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

So it's happened again. The anger in the political sphere has become so absurd that it's driven me to the blog posting. So Obama bows to a Saudi King and shakes hands with a South American blowhard and America has become a groveling shell of it's former self, eh?

Ah man. Well I don't want to spend too much time writing here. It's just that here we are again with the differing standards political partisans hold their leaders up to depending on whether these leaders in the predetermined friend or foe camp. I mean, you got Bush bowing and holding hands in these pictures. And you got Nixon smiling and shaking hands with a virulent anti-American communist dictator.

Funny how the tribal warfare of our political system retards our political discussions. And by funny I mean tragic since the real question should be about how U.S. presidents of all political stripes must pay a little too much respect to the leader of a repressive political regime because otherwise we might not get that oil priced in dollars or maybe they'll stop buying up so much of our bonds.

Anyways, I guess there's also some philosophical differences in here about what it means to be weak or strong. And some people really think that showing kindness to an enemy like Chavez is a sign of weakness. God knows that when you encounter people who can't be kind to their enemies in the day-to-day world, that you know these people have serious psychological issues. Like when you got that friend who won't be nice to your other friend cause of some perceived slight and it's just so unbelievably annoying because if one of them would just sack it up and be nice everything would just wash under the bridge. But then I forget that this approach of treating those that don't like you with utter disgust was the foreign policy for the last eight years. And I forget that our previous leaders were those really insecure douchebags that never had the self-confidence to be gracious. Anyways, I hope that series of pictures above demonstrate the absurdity of this righteous anger over Obama's perceived weakness. Although I am pretty upset about him genuflecting to the pet of a foreign leader. You'd never see Churchill appease a golden retriever like this. Freaking democrats are such pussies.

Art Criticism, Life, Criticism

2009-04-11T03:54:00.001-07:00

I was just watching Synecdoche and I'm feeling inspired. My man Phillip Seymour Hoffman put together the grandest play in human history. He did something brave and daring. And I want to join the party. To create something true. On my blog. Sigh. I know. But what can I do? I don't have another outlet. At least not until I sell my script.

It's called Motel For Dogs. It's about a dog couple who take up residence in a cheap motel after falling on hard times. But since no one is biting on the script, dog or otherwise, I can only assume that the movies people want to see are those that offer an escape from our current economic problems. And this movie does just the opposite, by looking unflinchingly at the depravity and crushing despair a down-on-their-luck dog might sink to. The couple first turns to drugs for comfort but then their habits eventually come to consume them. The climatic scene is when Freckles' (female lead) litter of crack puppies are forced to watch their mother satisfy a corrupt police dog to pay off another of Rusty's (male lead) gambling debts. I'm holding out hope that a courageous studio exec will see this as a modern day Lady and the Tramp. Fingers crossed everyone. These student loans aren't going to pay off themselves.

As you can tell I'm writing this post at 4 in the morning on a Saturday. I should be asleep but I turned down offers to go to drink, laugh and let the cares of the world disappear. Instead I wrote more of the novel I'm never going to finish and watched Synecdoche. And my God what a movie. Charlie Kaufman is a genius. It was better than an orgasm with a woman you love while eating ice cream and watching Synecdoche.

But while I was marveling at how brilliant this confusing movie was, it got me thinking about a spirited and drunken debate me and my buddies got into after we saw No Country For Old Men. One buddy, Zack, said it was the greatest movie yada yada. My other buddy, Mark, believed otherwise and said something like, “Yea? And how about the end? It’s like from Arrested Development when Maeby says 'Just stick on something nonsensical and since no one wants to look stupid people will say it’s brilliant.’”

And Mark kind of had a point then and maybe he's got a point about Synecdoche. Especially in the jumping between characters and time and Jesus I still can't process the different layers of what is real and what is the play parroting reality. Nonetheless. This movie is so good. Maybe it’s just because I see myself as a man obsessed with his own death who is incapable of ever finishing his opus or having a successful relationship with a female. Especially since, like Seymour Hoffman, these women care more about the salad they ordered than the words coming out of my mouth even while I’m saying all these things I think are brilliant. And while I'm yapping they’re wondering how they’re going to get out of this awkward food eating experience and never see me again because, let’s face it, prior experience tells them I'm also fairly disappointing in the sack. Jesus H. Absolutely brilliant. Anyways, if there’s one movie you should have seen last year then it’s this one.

Point number 2. The Office sucks now. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it. I date the show's decline to the middle of the 3rd season. Right after the merger stuff was finished, since that's when the American writers could no longer steal the story lines from Ricky Gervais' tightly wound and perfectly executed 14 episode series. So once the American Office became rudderless the writers started throwing out cheap gags that wouldn't have hooked us on the show if that's how it had started. I mean, the pull of the show was always the awkward-attention-seeking-unloved boss and the tension between a well-matched couple who because of fear didn't express their affection for each other. Those story lines were touching, and they allowed for an unforced comedy, but once the over-the-top absurdity became the central focus, well then the show became average at best. (Really, Dwight burns his feet on hot coals to get a promotion or Michael drives his car into a lake to prove a point?) In other words, I feel like The Office and I got off to a great start but now it's clear that this isn't going anywhere. And I want out. But it's so hard to get out, you know? Those times were great. Some of the best times of my life. So for now I'm still watching but I'm thinking of other TV shows I could be watching instead.

Point number 3. What Happens in Vegas was better than I thought it would be. Now I know that’s going to open me up to some criticism so let me be clear, we’re talking about baselines. I thought it was going to be absolute shiite and it was just plain terrible. But I’m only talking about that movie because of the development of Cameron Diaz’s character who (I would say spoiler alert but I'm pretty sure that anyone who would be upset that the plot to What Happens in Vegas is ruined for them has already been murdered (justly so) by their parents or significant others.) quits her demanding job because it's not making her happy. Is there any more hackneyed device these days? I mean, maybe this criticism is unnecessary since the Depression 2.0 will change my generation's mentality towards work and we won't have to deal with the overuse of this device anymore. But in case that doesn't happen I want to emphasize how common this tired story line has become by listing movies that use it:

Waitress, Waiting, Valkeryie, Dark Knight – ok so I'm having trouble proving my point here. Those first two movies definitely do it. I guess it’s too late for me to think straight but it’s true. Once you start looking for the unhappy protagonist who quits his/her job and this is portrayed as heroic and not short-sighted or childish then you’ll see it all over the place. Maybe I’ll write a comment that proves this point later but for now take my word for it.

Point number 4. So I didn’t read many reviews of Watchmen but what I did read rated the movie negatively. And that I can't tolerate! I mean, I don't know why I went for the exclamation point but it felt more appropriate than a period. Maybe it's because I didn’t read the graphic novels or anything so I came in with zero expectations. Watching the movie was my first exposure to the story line and holy Mother of God. What a story. I mean, it turns an escapist formula like comic books on its head. Moral ambiguities are generally not explored so you'd think you're going to experience the clear demarcation of good and evil with that reliable catharsis of good heroically triumphing. But then that clarity is cleverly muddled and by the end you're no longer sure who your God is. "You want to sit in a theater and forget your troubles? Fuck you. Think of the shitte you'd do if you had unchecked power. Evil lives within us all. Deal with it fatso." God it's so good.

Watching this movie also made it clear why Heroes Season 1 was so good, since it stole the good stuff from the the tightly wound and perfectly executed graphic novel series that I assume Watchmen must have been. I mean, the whole moral ambiguity of superheroes and the Armageddon as a false cleansing of evil, Heroes obviously just ripped those ideas straight off. (I assume. Until I see something that predates Watchmen that Watchmen obviously ripped off.) And once Heroes couldn’t steal any more ideas the show became rudderless and the writers started grasping at straws with lame devices and ratings fell, etc.

I guess the point of this is well done to those of you who steal others great ideas and then get really rich from them. I can't wait to see the pirated version of Synecdoche on television in 20 years. I just hope that Charlie Kaufman gets the same executive producer credit and bundles of dough that Ricky Gervais did, otherwise I'm going to be pretty livid. So in conclusion, I'm reserving judgment on whether our society is headed into moral decay where good artistic ideas are perverted by profit driven men who think only of the material goods and shapely women their thievery will secure. U.S.A.? U.S.A.? U.S.A.?

The Return of the Missed Connection

2009-04-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

In high school I could be a bit of a prick. You know, I did that thing were I’d make fun of other people to deal with my insecurities, to help myself feel cool in a group, or to deal with the eternal emptiness of existence. I’ve been fighting that instinct ever since but it’s hard. Especially when you come across missed connections like these:

I’m looking for that young, beautiful woman I saw at the Chevron at Harbor Blvd and Gisler Ave at approximately 2:30 - 3 AM. You were driving a dark semi-lifted pickup (toyota?).. .you ran from your vehicle into the store to pay the clerk, then ran back to your truck. On your way back, you looked at me.

I can't forget that look on your face. It haunts my dreams at night, just knowing what you look like, yet not having a name. The way you looked at me, it was like to could see right through all the bullshit, deep into my soul. penetrating all secrets and tossing them aside with ease just to see who I am. At that second, I felt most vulnerable to someone I have never met.

If you can tell me how I left the parking lot and which way I entered the freeway, please respond.

If this sounds like you, please ease my pain and respond. Provide a picture, of you and your truck. If I find you, I will reply.

I mean, how awesome is this? This chick is running for her life and this guy thinks they had a missed connection. And then he posts a pic of his sweet ass ride! Poor guy. At least he’s got a car, though, so I guess he’s doing better than me. Although I did get some this weekend so you all can suck it.

I want to share a few more gems. Check out this MC:

You were in the jacuzzi, I was in there watching you. You had it going on..... email me, I live there and want to meet some new friends.

I mean, creepy, right? Like really creepy. Not the type where ladies pretend it’s creepy but they’re actually kind of interested, right? I guess I’m just so often surprised by the shiite that does work with women, like when a guy with no job or no car who is leaving the country in a few months convinces one to give up the goods. But really? Are there any females out there who’d be like “Oooh, I wonder if this guy was talking about me?!? He was alone and watching me from his darkened apartment?!?”

Anyways, I just got one more:

anyone seen tina? can you send her this way?

And I found this one interesting not because it was so cryptic and unclear but because I live in Costa Mesa, where the guy was posting from, and I used to go out with a girl named Tina. So I emailed the guy and told him Tina was in town this weekend and that she’s down for whatever. I mean, she gave me permission to post this joke about her chastity so don't worry about her feelings or anything. As she said to me, “No one reads your blog anyways.” Man, she was always so sweet.

Ok, so this was a random blog post and I don’t know how to properly end it. I guess I’ll just post the clip of my buddy doing stand up that I came across today. I didn’t ask for his permission to post this so hopefully he’s cool with it. I mean, he's got some solid jokes but I think the funniest thing for me is randomly getting an email from another friend who forwarded this shiite on to me.

The Funion Part II -- The Refunioning

2009-04-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

After the poor reception the last Onion post got I wasn’t sure if I’d ever do another Onion themed post again. But then the hand of God interceded. So here we are.

It all started on Gchat when Pear Sandwich’s ex-coblogger, Sarah, told me an anecdote about a Jeopardy contestant who became a contributor for the Onion. Apparently the contestant had wanted to write for the Onion but knew they didn’t take unsolicited submissions. So instead of emailing his fake news ideas like I had, this guy went for the direct approach. He called up the editors. They asked to see some of his sample stories and the rest, as they say, is a history of my jealousy at another man’s success.

So this man is out there living my dream. Obviously I'm upset. But it’s not like I'm going rope shopping or anything. I mean, I got perspective. I know who I am and what I'm capable of. And I know I’m not smooth enough to call the Onion’s editors. I mean, even if I were to call the Onion I would almost certainly just breathe heavily into the mouthpiece and mumble and stutter my way through my fake news stories. The editor would end the conversation as politely as possible and assume that a slow-witted pervert had gotten the wrong number. That rejection would be too much for my psyche to endure. I can handle the no email response. I excel at the no email response. But I don’t know how to deal with a direct rejection other than by engaging in a mind-numbing marathon of TV. So after sitting through Seasons 3 and 4 of the Wire without eating or sleeping, my roommate/mom would probably find me passed out and pantsless on the couch just as the Baltimore PD started pulling the bodies out of the row houses. And no one would be the better for it.

So I was set to forget about the Funion once again. To move on with my life. To accept that things worked out for the best. But another friend, let’s call him Hari (because that’s what his parents named him), sent me a link to a behind the scenes story about the Onion. And that’s when I knew that God was directing, nay commanding, me to write another Onion blog post.

Before I get down to the business of sharing my ideas, though, I need to talk about a few things. First, you should read that Washington Post piece I just linked. There’s something in there for everyone. For me there were life lessons about happiness. What I mean is, I’ve often suspected that optimal life satisfaction requires some sort of Buddhist austerity. You know, one can lessen life’s suffering when they learn to avoid desire and all of that. Yet in my weaker moments I’ll adopt a different ethos. Like I’ll think that maybe I’d be happier if I’d hadn’t chosen such an unrewarding professional path, and I’ll fantasize about what things would be like if I’d written for the Onion. But then this WaPo piece peeks behind the curtain and shows that those writers aren't much happier than I am. For just one example, look at this quote by the newest writer (who seems pretty awesome by the way): “Whenever I start to think…that we do so much work here, I just think that if I were to visit myself back in college, and say, 'Four years from now you're going to get paid writing for the Onion, and you're going to get frustrated with it,' I would have punched myself in the face."

The second thing I want to talk about is the author of this WaPo piece. A guy who I’ve befriended at Border’s, the place where I spend a good chunk of my days, had just told me to read some short stories by Wells Tower. I’d never heard of Tower before this conversation with my new Border’s friend. As I was reading the Onion link Hari sent me, I realized it was written by Tower. That’s when I knew that this is all interconnected for some higher purpose. You know, like these were signs from God about finding my chosen path. So I know my next step is to read more of Wells Tower’s work. And for now I can only guess what the higher purpose behind that may be. Perhaps Tower will help me gain insights into the human condition that will maximize my understandings of this world. Or maybe I’ll find Tower's work entertaining enough that it will help me avoid thinking about the vast emptiness this existence is. Or maybe hidden within his stories is a cipher that must be unlocked. Perhaps I’m about to embark on a series of adventures where I’ll meet a beautiful woman and race to discover something lost to history like Noah's Ark before the evil villain beats us to it.

So only time will tell but in the meantime here are my fake Onion stories with their mini-write ups:

1. Area Woman Crazy- The article examines how this woman does objectively crazy shiite like cry during sappy movie previews. Or upon seeing a friend’s wedding dress. Or while sitting in traffic on a bad day because she’s hungry and there’s nothing to snack on in her car but she purposely deprived herself of car snacks because she’s worried her arms are getting fat. This woman also believes that the time of year in which people are born and the corresponding arrangement of stars billions of light years away influences their suitability as mates. Additionally, she’ll fly into pouty rages when her boyfriend doesn’t pay enough attention to her or sleeps with one of her friends.

2. Man Who Believes in the Apocalypse Terrible at Making Plans- The article is about how the guy won’t ever commit to anything because of the impending end of the world and how this frustrates the people in his life. His friends never know how much food to buy for the bbq, or how many to make the reservation for, etc. His family complains how obviously last minute their Christmas and birthday gifts invariably are, while his girlfriend is convinced that he’ll take their relationship to the next level.

3. Jim Cramer’s Wife Now Thinks of Jon Stewart During Sex – This one is pretty self-explanatory.

4. Law Clerk in SVU Unit Unsure if Coworkers Talking About Case or Their Own Relationships- This is another autobiographical fake Onion headline. It comes from my days in the sexual assault division at the district attorney. I used to get to the office pretty early. So it would be me and just a few staffers for the first hour and a half. While the office was relatively empty, the lady secretaries would feel comfortable talking loudly about their online dating. But this one time it seemed like they were talking about cases from the unit as well as the dating. Like they were going back and forth between potential mates' profiles and open cases? So it wasn’t clear what the hell was going on. Anyways, I want to keep things family friendly but you get the idea of where this article goes.

5. Area Man’s Friends Don’t Read His Blog- The article examines how his friends remember hearing he has a blog. “What’s the address again?” One friend asks on Gchat for the 3rd time, even though that friend will forget the answer within a few seconds. “Yea I’ve been meaning to check it out but I’ve been so busy. Since we’ve had lay-offs my work load has really increased.” Another friend says before refreshing the Drudge Report for the 10th time. “I’ll read a bit of it from time to time, but mostly I just skim it so I’ll have something to say if he asks me about a recent post. He can be pretty sensitive you know, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” Says a friend who used to cowrite the blog with him but now spends her days playing online Sudoku and Word Twist. Also, the mother of this ex-coblogger is a cheap date. You'll probably want to stock up on penicillin for the aftermath.

"My" Poetry

2009-03-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

As many of you already know from my emails, phone calls, and perverted late night texts -- the LA Times got around to uploading stories about high school sports heroes last year. So I'm in the habit of Googling “Sir Fantastic” from time to time. And that’s how I learned there were some sappy love poems out there written by a guy who shares my name.

This discovery was a few months ago but I haven’t been sure how to handle this situation. On the one hand, I didn’t want to draw too much attention to these poems/my friend who’s pranking me. On the other hand, I need attention to live. It’s like air to me. And wouldn’t blogging about these poems satisfy that need while also protecting my good name?

In the end I decided that I needed to get ahead of this story. I can never be sure when a girl may Google me. And while I acknowledge the infinitesimal likelihood that a potential mate exists for me or that she would ever Google my name, the complete loss of attraction that would result from her thinking that's my poetry is too catastrophic to ignore. Think of the war on terror. Imagine what would happen if terrorists had a nuclear device. I mean, we all know it’s probably not going to happen. The chances of terrorists acquiring a nuke are too small. They just don’t have the means or acumen to build one. But there remains that possibility that they'll be able to scrounge up enough cash and find someone disreputable enough to sell it to them. And if that happens, then pity those that didn’t take the proper precautions. So I don’t want any Google searches blowing my chances of romance and causing radiation poisoning to those immediately outside the blast radius. Ok, I got lost in the analogy there. But you get the idea. Sometimes I pay for sex. And there are substantial health problems associated with that practice.

So this is me getting on the record saying that’s not my poetry. No trick could ever hurt me like that. Ok, I guess that’s not true. They all do. They always do. It's just that I don't resort to trite verse. I cope with my pain by watching countless hours of meaningless television and reliving my glory days through Google searches. So maybe I shouldn’t be so dismissive of these poems. I mean, there’s a pretty good chance this is real poetry written by a real person who just happens to share my name. If that’s the case then I definitely should apologize. You obviously have feelings Guy. So I’m sorry I don’t like your art. Maybe some people like it? In any case, I do hope you get over her soon. Remember, time heals all wounds. (Provided it’s minor, otherwise you’re better off with antibiotics.) And alcohol helps with the immediate pain.

So to sum up, 1) that’s not my poetry and 2) I need attention to live. And given that need, I’d like to take this opportunity to share some of my actual poetry. Truth be told, I hadn’t thought of these poems for a long time. I’d forgotten them until I tried to think of the proper way to end this post. They’re from a bygone era. The year was 2004. A time before Sir Fantastic embarked on his legal education and career in the military. Before Hurricane Katrina challenged the dominant perception of a competent President Bush. And it was before a world financial crisis drove off temporary employment opportunities that would have given future patriots something to occupy their minds while they waited to serve their county, an economic environment that would’ve meant these patriots wouldn’t have had to blog in order to ward off the insanity. However, even as dated as these poems are, they still speak harrowing truths:

“Internet Directions”
You said to take the 405 N
You said to exit at Sunset
You said to turn right at Santella.
But there is no Santella.
Oh curse you
Curse you internet directions

“The Blond Girl Who Works at The Gym”
Hello there
How are you tonight?
What?
What’s that?
Yes I did forget my workout towel.
What do you mean I can’t get in?
I thought we were friends.
Oh curse you
Curse you blond girl who works at the gym.

Craigslist Follow-up

2009-03-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

So the emails, phone calls, and late night texts from you readers indicate that you’re a horny lot, and that you're impatient for me to update the Craigslist missed connection. I apologize for the delay. It’s just that I was knocked over by a sucker punch of self-realization last week, and the deep reflection and funk that followed meant I wasn’t capable of writing much.

So what happened was that I realized I’m only one step away from becoming homeless. This realization occurred at Border’s. See, they have a policy of letting anybody read their books and sit in their chairs regardless of your purchasing habits. And they got really comfy chairs. So this policy attracts an undesirable element -- the cheap and the homeless. And as my cheap-ass has spent so much time with these degenerates, I've become to close to them. Like I’ve figured out whose raggedy clothes are marking what comfy seat territory. And I know who’s crazy or just plain lazy, and who's sleeping with whom, etc.

So the only material difference between me and them is at night I got a bed to sleep in and food to call my own. Now I know that’s the critical distinction between us and the homeless, but it’s just that I’m holding on to these things by my fingernails. The only reason I got them still is because I know I got the JAG job coming down the pipeline. And knowing this allows me to charge my rent and groceries assuming that I’ll be able to pay off the credit card someday soon. But there’s a chance the job will fall through, since nothing in life is a 100% guarantee. And if that happens then there’s the very real possibility I’ll end up exactly like these bums any day now. I don’t want that. I don’t want to worry about whether the trash food is spoiled or if tonight’s the night I get stabbed in my sleep. That’s not why I went to law school. That’s not why I signed up with the military. I want a pay check. I want to wave at parades. I want to feel that smug sense of superiority for having served a cause higher than myself while my classmates lose their souls trying to feed the insatiable beast of greed. But the military won't just send the orders confirming my employment, and for now I have to cope with stress instead of living on that schadenfreude.

So like I said, with this realization of how close I am to becoming homeless, I entered that funk where I couldn’t do the extras of life like write blog posts or floss. The only thing I could put up on the computer screen each night was, “Good-bye cruel world,” and that’s pretty sad, since that blog post isn’t scheduled for another 10 years or so. So again, apologies. But after finding The Wire Season 2 on demand and focusing my thoughts on the dysfunctional Baltimore Police Department, I was able to forget my troubles. With that peace of mind I was finally able to pound out an update:

Funny thing is, there's not much to report. Yet here we are. Craig took down my post within 12 hours. In the time it was up I only got two emails. One was from a spammer who wanted to either steal the personal info on my computer or get me to pay for porn at their site. (I didn’t click on the link they sent so I’ll never get to the bottom of that mystery.) The other email came from a nice sounding girl who liked the missed connection, thought it was funny and sent me a pic. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the MC was for my blog. I mean, I can only hope she doesn’t get hurt feelings because I didn’t respond to her email and what not, but such is life. Actually, check that. I hope that someday she does come across this blog and realizes it was for the best that I didn’t get back to her, since she wouldn’t want me passing on my anti-social genes and elephant face to our children. (Thanks again Mom and Dad.)

Thus, given the utter failure of that post to amount to anything worthwhile, I created two more Craigslist ads. I wanted to run a science experiment of sorts. To find out what kind of words best attract the ladies who troll the internet looking for guys too cheap to join a proper internet dating site. The first post I made was the gentleman-like approach:

“Hey, I'm just looking for someone to spend some time with, meet up for a drink, share some laughs and then if there's something more we can take it from there.”

The second post was a little sleazier. It was titled “Let’s Get it On” and I wrote, “I work out a lot. I got a great body and been told I'm great in the sack. You want to meet up for a good time?”

Post number 2 won with five responses to post number 1’s three. However, the results were actually inconclusive since both posts only got one response from what could be considered a real live girl. The other six responses were clearly from spammers, since they were all trying to get me to click a suspicious link. (Four of the responses were the same link sent by the same jackass.)

So what conclusions can be drawn from this experience? One, it looks like nice messages attract the same number of females as sleazy ones, but sleazier ones attract more spammers. Two, I might not be all that paranoid. That is, I’ve always been under the impression that people are out to get me. Now I have the proof that people are more interested in stealing the personal information from my computer than they are in dating me. Three, apparently I still got it. I mean, even when times are tough and I don’t have a car or job, at least I know that if I needed to I could make a post on Craigslist and find love. And four, even though I might end up living with the homeless I can still write coherent blog posts. I’m pretty sure that would make me king of the homeless, or at the very least one of the technocrats that helps run things. Maybe then they’d led me institute my idea for a comfy chair rotation policy. It would make for a more pleasant daytime reading experience for everyone.

Sir Fantastic Has a New Post

2009-03-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

The new Facebook sucks. I feel like a lame ass for blogging about the new Facebook, but life takes us down strange and unexpected roads. It’s either accept what’s become of my life or go on a shooting rampage. And for now I choose acceptance.

So the new FB sucks because of you, the person who has the continuous status updates. Everyone knows that in the old FB status updates were checked only after exhausting all other avenues of internet entertainment. But now the new FB homepage forces them on us like……we’re the best looking guy in prison? Hmm, I kind of didn’t know how to make a forced analogy any other way. Are rape jokes ok if they’re about doods? Hope so, but let's not allow ourselves to get distracted from the real issue -- does anyone care that the guy you had a class with two years ago is sleeping in tomorrow? Or that the friend of the girl you used to date has now got four days until her big trip to the Caribbean and last week she had 11 so today I’m kind of hoping her plane crashes? And since the new FB is probably here to stay, and since God knows I can’t cyber-stalk my exes without it, there’s only one way to change this predicament. We need a hard and fast rule of web etiquette enforced by strong social pressures. Namely, we need to publicly shame those that post statuses too often.

So the rule should be no more than 1 status update every 3 days. (I know this is a low target, but we need baby steps until we get the issue under control.) There are no exceptions, because no one will ever need an exception. No matter who you are, no matter what you think you have to say, you’re not going to interest people by posting more than that. There’s a reason married couples grow to hate each other and that sparks dim in relationships after a few months. We’re not interesting people. None of us. We’re all boring, except for maybe a few of the really funny comedic celebrities or some really really smart people who can hold in-depth conversations on a broad array of subjects -- but even these people are boring come laundry day, and I don’t want to hear about how many times they had to run their crappy dryer or that they’re out of detergent, etc.

As for the shaming, what you do is take the most boring status update from among your post-too-often friends and then you’ll repost it as if it’s your own. You might think it’s cruel to flog people publicly like this, and you might think that this is a quick way to lose your friends and you’re right – that’s why I’m not going to do this. I never know when I might need one of these people to get me a job or a ride to the airport or something. However, you should. I think it would be a funny way to get a very important point across.

Missed Connection

2009-03-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

So I’m kind of a huge fan of the missed connections on Craigslist, and I really don’t understand anyone who isn’t. Like whose heart isn’t warmed by seeing people trying to find love online because they’re too chicken shit to try in person? It’s a beautiful example of how technology isn’t necessarily going to make us more isolated from each other, or how it won’t necessarily mutate into killer fighting machines that kill us all. Also, I’m not pretending to be any different from these people. It’s no secret that I suffer from cowardness most likely brought on by what medical science can only diagnose as “elephant face.” My love life is a wee bit pathetic, with the highlights being the same events that provoke others to post: those meaningful glances in a bookstore, or the occasional boob graze that may or may not be accidental, or the rarer -- but still it’s like happened a few times -- flirty conversation that’s going great for a couple of minutes but then for some reason it ends right after she’s taken the order. So I decided to try my hand at this nonsense, to see what would happen if I stepped outside my shell and threw my hat into the love connection ring. And I want to share with you, my readers, the missed connection I made this morning:

To the Ladies of Orange County.

Sorry I missed you over the last few months while I’ve been working out at the gym, reading obscure and difficult novels, and spending quality time with some of the world’s most beautiful ladies. See, I just moved back to the area after studying for three years at a prestigious law school. But now I must be leaving again. I’m going to be a lawyer for the military, where it will be my duty to defend America’s way of life. And since I will most likely end up in a desert where if the ladies take a second look at a U.S. soldier then they’ll have their heads chopped off, I was hoping that with my remaining time in the area you and me could practice the promiscuity that drives some of our more repressed enemies crazy. (I can’t think of a better way to ensure that the terrorists don’t win then by having the two of us get naked together.) Also, I know this post won’t appeal to all the ladies, since some of you only trade the goods for some long-term loving and what not. But for those of you in your late teens and early 20s, know that I will be back in the area in four years time, and that will be just as your biological clocks start demanding you procreate and overpopulate this earth. And since you’ll most likely want a breadwinner to provide the ever scarcer natural resources and Prada shoes, know that I know how to repay a favor. Also, no fatties.

All right, so that’s the Craigslist post. Obviously it’s a joke because I would never say this sort of ridiculousness if I were trying to get some lovin’. Although, I mean, I wouldn’t turn it down so maybe it’s true what they say about how there’s a kernel of truth in all jokes. So anyways, depending on whether I get any interesting responses to my Craigslist post we may see another Pear Sandwich post about this. As should be obvious though, whether anyone responds to the Craigslist post or not, it would probably be a good idea for you to pray for me and my eternal soul.

Taco Tuesdays

2009-03-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

So apparently Tuesday is the night for tacos. I wish I had known that sooner. I love tacos. And Tuesday comes like pretty often these days. Also, you may not know this about me, but I don’t often get to go out and “experience” what it’s “like” to be “out” and around other “people” too much. So when I do, I learn about life and all that nonsense. And I just want to make a few points before the alcohol wears off.

1. Are we the only species where part of the mating ritual is for females to grind up against each other? Are there female chimps bumping their butts against their female friend’s genitalia and then laughing like “Oh my god! You’re so much fun! I totally love your top!”

2. Are we the only species where males lurk around females grinding genitalia with a drink in our hands while trying not to reveal any emotion in our faces? but obviously by standing so close and looking right at them we know what signals we’re trying to send but still we’re not trying to make a move? I got to think we are. Like no way a shy buy kind of creepy lion gets away with that. It's kill or be killed in the jungle.

3. Are Asians the new blacks? Man, there are some Asians out there that can really dance. Should I now be fearful of Asians when I see one hanging around an ATM?

4. Girls are supposed to be able to shake it. Guys are supposed to play sports without looking like girls. Our responsibilities are clearly delineated in our gender contracts. So when a girl dances like a robot with Tourette's then I say that group sitting in the corner gets a free pass on laughing a little too loudly and staring a little too obvious-like, even though that judgey-not-participating in the fun group usually annoys the shit out of me.

5. Sportscenter was on and it made me realize that Linda Cohn is really unexplainable. I mean, it’s crazy how she hasn’t aged and how she’s been on the show since I was like 12 and all, but still, what does she bring to the table besides nostalgia and a “wait till you see what we have for you” in a sort of deep voice that's not really monotone but it's more monotone than it is anything else? It's not like she's got some amazing insight or anything and she kind of has some bugged out eyes.

6. Did anyone else see Dwayne Wade’s performance from Monday night? Good God. If Shaq had been on the guy’s team from the time he came in the league, he’d have a ring for every season (not including the seasons where that didn't happen). This is just his game winning shot, but you should see all the highlights.

7. Why doesn’t everyone shut the eff up about college basketball and acknowledge how much less elegant and skillful it is than the pro game these days what with the more hand-checking push-bumping ridiculousness in college and where it’s an even more annoying cluster fuck for the officials. I mean, how is it possible that there’s even less consistency in the calls than the NBA officiating since that’s the most absurdly inconsistent arena in our lives except for conservative talking points when it comes to deficit spending?

8. Why did I have to make it political? I guess it’s just that I hate ridiculousness. I mean, seriously people. Let’s stop being so ridiculous and like for God’s sakes just acknowledge that we hold people up to different standards because in the political arena as in life in general sometimes we just want to win because it validates our existence to be a part of a winning team like how everyone jumps on the bandwagon when a sports team is doing well.

9. Ok, that’s it. Don’t really have anymore. Feel like there was a point or two to bring up from the night, but I can’t really remember. I can’t wait until I regret this post. For once I feel like I’m the cutting edge of things, what with this drunken blogging. “Hey, did you read my post from last night? Man, I was totally drunk blogging! I can’t believe I admitted that perspective on things!” I’m going to email/text some ex-girlfriends now. Who should I tell that I really effed up and I like I totally love them and they're totally beautiful and why don't they take me back because I like have totally changed and am not the same person anymore? I guess only time will tell.

Some Prank Advice

2009-03-09T15:45:00.001-07:00

You may not know this about me, but I consider myself a prankster of sorts. And if you've ever ridden in an elevator with me, then you'd know that I love to tell stories about myself and hand out unsolicited advice. This post is a perfect opportunity to continue in that tradition. So I'll share some pranks from my past that contain a lesson, much like Aesop's fables.

And I'll just spell the lesson out up front. These stories are about committing pranks where no one calls the cops, since it seems like the pranksters of the world can't stay out of jail these days. I mean, you never know when you might lose your job in Obama’s recession and when the economy finally rebounds you don't want to be the guy who's got to answer yes to the questions on the application that require an explanation because everybody knows no one cares what that explanation is, you're not getting the job unless it's the type of job where only one arrest is actually the best option the employer's got, and if that's you then I mean that's cool man, especially if you got different ambitions for yourself. You know, whatever makes you happy. But for the rest of you who have trouble finding happiness without some measure of professional success because you're still hoping that a great job will land you that quality female that's somehow avoided you your whole life, well then I recommend paying close attention:

1. Icy Hot on the Underwear – A classic. Simple. Cheap. No real planning needed and it’s easy to pull off. It also works best when the victim wears tighty-whities, since the snugness ensures maximum genital burn. I guess in the interest of journalistic integrity I should admit that I was the one pranked here, with my older brother being the prankster. As a note of caution to little brothers out there everywhere (a) after you've rinsed away the pain don’t just put on another pair of briefs assuming your brother happened to lather up the first pair you put on because you'll be running back into that shower and (b) don’t wear tighty-whiteys into your mid 20s because even though you don’t hook up that often you still do every once in a while and you don’t want to ruin those rare moments of romance with that awkward silence while the girl stares, pausing, obviously reflecting on the poor decisions she’s made during the night to be with an apparent man-child because that pause can only work against you.

2. Whose Poop Is That? -- This is a very specific prank and requires a very specific living situation. You need a roommate whose significant other sleeps over a lot and a bathroom that only the two of them use. You’ll also need three cans of refried beans and a large spatula for smearing. (You may want to add some peas, corn, or ground beef for a chunkier texture.) The downside to this prank is that you can’t fully appreciate the awkwardness and lack of sexual attraction that now exists in the relationship, only being able to imagine the thoughts of the discoverer as s/he forever wonders why the perpetrator couldn’t just flush down the disturbing sickness s/he suffers from.

3. Confuse the Ex and Some Unlucky Grad Students -- This is a Pear Sandwich (patent pending) specific prank. You need three items: an ex-girlfriend who’s cheated on you, someone who has access to the diary she keeps on her computer, and the email addresses of your old T.A.s from your first year of college. You’re going to select an entry that she’s written about her sorority sisters. I recommend the one about the group picture the sorority took in the late summer of 1999. They will stand on the steps of one of the buildings on campus. The picture will take some time to complete. One of the sisters will mention how the photographer needs to hurry up because this sister is “sweating like a Mexican gardener.” The rest of the sisters will laugh hysterically. You ex will smile politely then go home and write in her journal that she can't believe racism exists amongst an almost all-white privileged social scene that self-selects the boundaries of who is admitted. (I never said I dated this girl for her brains.) You are going to copy and paste this journal entry and email it back to her. However, you need to change it around so it reads like joke with the punchline being the racist line. Write "great joke" in the subject line and then also send the email to your old T.A.s.

And amateur would also send the email to the sorority sisters. But you don't. Your goal is to punish women who stray and T.A.s who were unfortunate enough to have you by subjecting them all to mind-fucking confusion. You don’t want to embarrass your ex in front of her peers by having them read her journal that's critical of them. That's the type of move that could force her to call the cops. Double Pear Sandwich points if later you run into one of these T.A.s and ask them if they noticed the commentary your email made about the dynamics of social hierarchies since Vietnam.

4. Wii Friends -- So this article was the impetus for this post because it reminded me of my own Craigslist prank. Except once again, my prank didn’t result with anyone behind bars. For this prank you’ll need three things: a good friend who won’t bust you for identify theft, this friend also needs a Wii that none of his real friends want to play since he doesn't have any fun games, and the patience/cunning to distinguish between scary people who kill when the respond to Craigslist ads from the shy people who have trouble making friends in the real live scary world we all share.

You’ll want to post your ad in the strictly platonic M4M section. See this prank isn’t about making your friend look like he’s got a different sexual orientation, it’s about surprising him with uninvited guests who somehow know where he lives and are under what is an obviously mistaken impression that they’ve been emailing for the past few weeks in the hopes he lets them in to play some Wii since he's so desperate to finally share that expensive system he's bought. Minus points if your friend gets stabbed or his Wii gets stolen. Bonus points if you help a shy guy find a real live friend. Triple bonus points if you no longer have to hear your friend whine about the poor purchase the Wii was because he’s too cheap to buy Mario Kart.

5. Does This Take it Too Far? – This is an undone prank since it requires three things I don’t currently own: a Mrs. Fantastic, a newborn, and a very realistic looking infant-size doll. So after nap time Mrs. Fantastic will check on the baby who's not in the crib. She searches the house then flies into a frenzy before discovering what looks like the child lying face down in the pool. I sprint into the water fully-clothed and heroic-like but not in time and then clench my fist at the sky and curse the God who’s forsaken my family. You know, to make it more dramatic like. When Mrs. Fantastic sees that I’m holding a doll then we'll laugh hysterically. She’ll be so relieved she’ll forgive me for selling the baby to pay my gambling debts.

Tribal Warfare

2009-03-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

So I’ve recently come across a new blog that I think is pretty amazing. Why do I like it? First, that was very considerate of you to ask. Thank you. Second, it’s just that this other blog offers an original and interesting perspective that’s light-hearted and funny. Mostly it’s the funny. Reading that blog is a good time. It gives the people what they want. But the weird thing is that I’m an attention seeking whore. The kind of guy who’s desperately trying to make up for the peak-a-boo his parents never provided, or the dates the high school, college, and law school girls never showed up for. So you’d think I’d simply work harder to make my blog fun like theirs so I’d have a larger readership. But alas, I can’t shake this need to go a different direction and be preachy.

So today’s preaching concerns the Rush Limbaugh wanting Obama to fail business. So what’s got me in a pique isn’t even that Rush said it, despite the obvious hypocrisy after he railed against unpatriotic liberals who hated America while the last guy was in charge. (I’ve learned that rage for the hypocrisy of ideologues is a wasted emotion, much like frustration for an autistic kid who won’t mingle at a party. They’re doing the best they can with what God gave them.) What’s got me upset is the way people who should know better are talking about what Rush said. There are some articles saying it’s a good Democratic strategy to run with this, and other articles saying this is a nefarious White House plot (Drudge linked this story with the headline: “Enemies List: White House Plots Limbaugh Coverage”) to focus attention on Rush, and then there are responses to this claim of conspiracy, so basically everyone is just getting bogged down with the political aspect to this whole thing.

But what the essential focus should be, like 99% of the focus by the media and responsible people who want to improve America’s collective consciousness, is how Rush’s comment reflects the us v. them mentality that Obama is trying to move past with his call to bipartisanship. (For a prescient analysis on why Obama was doomed to fail to bring America out of its political tribalism read this guy.) So those who seek to advance human existence should focus on how Rush’s way of thinking is the dogmatic, intellectually lazy, personally vile, and one of the more detestable traits that we humans possess, traits that all people should identify and work very very hard to move past so that we can live in a more harmonious world, a world of sunshine and rainbows where we focus on the proper issues that are threatening our existence like climate change, the overfishing of the seas or the decline of primetime television.

Just look at what Rush said compared to what he could have said. Rush didn’t say (1) “I disagree with Obama’s policies and think those polices will fail.” He’s also didn’t say (2) “I know Obama is going to fail.” What Rush said, four days before Obama took office, was that he wanted Obama to fail. This means he wanted Obama the person to fail regardless of what his policies turned out to be, regardless of how that failure would affect the rest of us God fearing, NASCAR watching, apple pie humping Americans.

Since (1) is the sort of thing a well reasoned person who understands the limits of human knowledge would've said, and since no one expects Rush or any pundit to live up to that standard, there’s not much use discussing it. But even (2) wouldn’t have been so bad. I mean (2) is frustrating, since it's the kind of annoying certainty ideologues possess even though just selecting the proper metrics to determine how successful the New Deal was is a dicey affair fraught with implications of bias and selectivity (even though on balance that argument looks wrong since it counters what most regard as the historical record). But ok if Rush had said (2) like how the WSJ editorial pages say stuff like (2) then that wouldn’t have been that terrible. But Rush didn’t even say he was certain the policies would fail (regardless of how things are currently being spun). He simply said he wants Obama to fail. The enemy. The guy who is a liberal, and a socialist, and all of those evil words that make someone come in the middle of the night and steal your children and seduce your wife and feed your dog because it’s a crafty enemy and he knows how to win your dog’s loyalty.

So no matter how you parse it, what’s happening here with Obama and Rush and Rush's millions of fans who see the world the same way he does is that this is more than strategy, or a nefarious plot, and it deserves to be discussed in a less cynical manner than how it will play with the electorate. My point, again, is that human progress and bipartisanship require an open mind and an open heart, so let’s open those up people and rethink those simplistic platitudes that help define our way of thinking so we can pretend to know how best to deal with certain problems. And let’s see if we can work to overcome the prejudices we’ve developed to protect us from our perceived enemies and maybe we should give them a chance at failing on their own before we wish for any predetermined result. Because when we do wish they fail ahead of time because of these prejudices and our egotistical desire to see our way of thinking validated then we're rooting against America. And people who root against America should be peed upon and then set on fire.

Satan, You Reading This?

2009-02-26T23:31:00.001-08:00

So I'd sell my soul to the devil to go out like this. Satan, you have the internet? You reading this blog? Ah, he's probably reading the Wall Street Journal blog. Anyways, to my female friends out there, if any of you want to try this, I'm down. Hell, I'd even do it for $3,000.

The Funion

2009-02-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

So I’m trying to come up with a name to my competing periodical to the Onion. I’m not really happy with the Funion, as I imagine your aren’t either, but you get what you pay for so suck it. Also, there’s now four confirmed readers for this blog, one of whom was not around for my original Onion post. That means a little explanation on how the fake fake news stories are written is in order. So what I do is come up with an idea then just give the bare basics on how the article should be written. Here they are:

Republican Congressman Suddenly Concerned About Debt Burden
My research assistant has the week off, which means I didn’t bother searching for the name of a particular Republican congressman who voted for the1.8 trillion tax cuts during the Bush years, the 516 billion Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit, and the 900 billion Iraq War. So I don't got a particular name to go with here, but I’m sure there’s more than a handful elected representatives out there who would fit this picture. I just hate making mistakes like finding out Senator Lindsey Graham voted against the Medicare bill. Any who, so this story would be about how this elected official preaches against a bill that robs from our children and grandchildren, and how it’s unfair to leave future generations worse off so we should pay the bills we ran up in our time. So of course there'd be a link to the quote by Cheney about how Reagan proved deficits don't matter, and of course this particular congressman would also refuse to do anything about global warming.

Former Prosecutor Angered By Tactics He Used to Employ
The former federal prosecutor is now a white collar defense attorney at a law firm, and he’s riled up by the threat prosecutors have made to indict his client’s wife if she doesn’t agree to testify against her husband. “This is blatant prosecutor misconduct. It flies in the face of constitutional protections, basic human decency…” yada yada. Basically this story would just be another commentary on the backseat truth takes to our own desires to win arguments -- you know, the self-deception people engage in to hide their own self-interest. There should also be an attempt to bring this one home for those capable of seeing their own ridiculousness. What I mean is, so like this lawyer also gets road rage for any perceived slight while he’s driving, like when people cut him off or don’t let him merge -- while ignoring how he’s cut people off or failed to let others merge with some frequency in the past. You know, something the nonlawyer and noncongressman can relate to.

Dalai Lama Likes Hardcore Porn
So this article is hard to execute properly since I'm trying to keep this site family-friendly and all. I’m also not exactly sure how to execute the family-friendly version, since I don’t know what’s best in terms of how the Lama’s secret is discovered: whether he confesses to a head of state on an official visit, or someone checks the Lama’s internet history, or someone walks in on him watching women being degraded in ways respectable people should find repugnant. Regardless, though, the money line from this story would be something dealing with the universal truths. Like the Lama says: “Suffering exists because of the pursuit of pleasure, but these women suffer because they need to be punished with multiple (ahem) in their (ahem).”

Post Oscar Wrap-up

2009-02-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

So tonight I got validation for that smug sense of superiority I feel, knowing that I’m at least smarter than the plurality of members of the Academy of Arts and Sciences and the rest of the group-thinking lovers of Slumcrapfest Millionaire. (Did you see what I did there? Slumcrapfest! Genius!)

Surprisingly, though, there are limits to my arrogance. See, I’m not suggesting that I know better than the Academy generally. I'd guess that 98% of the time they do a better job than I could possibly do on my own -- watching those obscure documentaries, weighing sound editing quality, and writing that hilarious banter before the award is given. It's just I trust collective decisions to be right more often than individual ones. My belief in the superiority of collective decisions comes from America's history and traditions, and the cultural, economic, and military dominance we’ve accrued over the years while the nations that employ more authoritarian decision making methods retard their potential, making it easier for us to invade them and secure their natural resources while pretending we're there to protect our security from a hypothetical possibility that they could give weapons they don't have to a terrorist group they don't associate with. But one of the great strengths we Americans have is the ability to recognize that the collective decision making process falters from time to time. And to help gain some perspective, to help demonstrate how terrible the collective deliberations can be, I've compiled a list of some of the worst collective decisions ever made:

1. The July 1932 Reichstag election
2. When the Crowd Freed Barrabus Instead of the Other Guy
3. Bush v. Gore
4. Awarding Slumdog Millionaire Eight Oscars, Including Best Picture
5. This one's a tie between The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution and The Iraq War Resolution
7. The First O.J. Verdict
8. The High School Varsity Baseball Coaching Staff That Benched This Guy Midway Through the 1998 Season Even Though He's Obviously Clutch-City
9. Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act
10. The Alien and Sedition Act

I mean, if this list didn't do it for you, if you still think that Slumresteasyyour$11haspaidforyoutoseegoodtriumphoverevilandhappilyeverafterbecausebeautifulwomengoforstreetratseveryday Dog was clearly the best of 2008, perhaps it might help to think of films from the past that were clearly better than SDM, movies that didn't win eight Oscars. Once you see just a partial sampling, you'll realize how shitty 2008 must have been for movies and/or the people judging them to award such an average one eight Academy Awards. (The number of Oscars these films won is in parenthesis.)

The Godfather (3)
The Godfather II (6)
The Shawshank Redemption (0)
Pulp Fiction (1)
Forrest Gump (6)
Schindler’s List (7)
There Will Be Blood (2)
Goodfellas (1)
My Cousin Vinny (1)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (0?)
Cast Away (0)
The Karate Kid (0)
Kickboxer (0)
Faceoff (0)
Any one of those movies from the 80s where people switched brains and had some else’s body, you know, like the ones with Kirk Cameron and Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage (0?)
The 10 second video I accidentally made with my exgirlfirend's camera after she asked me to take a picture and I say, “It’s not blinking…wait, I think I’m videotaping this.” And she says, “What? Just hit the button again.” Even though it's hard to make out what we say because the wind is muffling the words. (0)

Oscar Preview -- Best Picture Edition

2009-02-20T12:53:00.000-08:00

So let me begin by pointing out that the Oscars are a silly affair because judging art is like appreciating class action law suits on a personal and subjective basis, but since the Oscars do provide us with an opportunity to focus on something other than the vapidity and purposelessness of life, it's not like they're evil or anything. And well, since I have an opinion and too much time on my hands I'd thought I'd give you, the American people, my much sought after take on the best picture nominees.

Slumdog Millionaire -- I could write pages of righteous indignation about this movie, so I got to be careful to be as brief as possible, and not come off as too hateful and repulsive of a person. My first point is that nominating this movie reminds me of the worst decision the Academy ever made, when it chose Crash for best picture, since the only rationale I can figure that make either of these movies appealing to the limousine liberals I imagine constitute the Academy is that the Academy members can say, "Oh, I love poor people and hate racism so if a movie depicts these issues using broad stereotypes I'll eat it up since the only personal interactions I've ever had with either of these groups was that one time my driver made a wrong turn in downtown L.A. and I threw some change at 'em out the sun roof." I just could not have been more disappointed when I saw this shiite. This is really just a formulaic movie but since its topical – “My God, when I call customer service I get an Indian person! This movie has its finger on the pulse!” – the immature love story and complete lack of character development are ignored. Like, really, the asshole older brother just totally changes tack without any inclination as to why and then he wants to die in some transparent symbolic method that your high school English teacher would give you a C for by inexplicably bathing in a tub of cash and then the lead boss decides to be the first one through the locked bathroom door so he gets shot providing us with that cathartic knowledge that evil is always punished, and all of this after Daisy Buchanan left security and money to go for love, but wait Daisy doesn’t have to worry about money since her lover answered all the questions on a game show, a game show that all of India wants to be a contestant on but our protagonist just happens to have a secret for calling at the exact right moment, and oh yea, he just happens to know the right answer to every question? Get a job Slumdog. Like really, get a job, because this movie wasn't all bad. Like when we saw how hard that kid had to scam to get by in life, that was touching, and when 99.99% of people in his circumstances would not bag the really hot girl or have any meaningful chance of social mobility and have to stay in the menial but dignified work-a-day world then well...I mean...I don't get why we Americans like it. I could see how this movie is some sort of escapism for poor Indians who dream of winning the lottery but that's not what a best picture makes. But probably the worst part of this movie has got to be those corny ass flashbacks at the end. Are audiences really that sappy that they get nostalgic for scenes that they just saw? Hey, there she is at the train station being whisked away by the bad guys for the 7th time in the last 15 minutes!! All I’m saying is maybe this movie is better than Fool’s Gold, but best picture? C’mon!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button -- So yes this movie is like Forrest Gump but I say so what? Forrest Gump rocked. I can see that movie anytime and anywhere (provided there's an outlet) so what do I care if the sequel starts Brad Pitt? At least this love story felt somewhat believable since it wasn’t some fairy tale garbage about how Jay Gatsby gets Daisy Buchanan after she banged his brother. (All I'm saying is that if Daisy Buchanan leaves Tom for Jay then we move away from high art into Fool's Gold territory, and when we start celebrating story lines that do that then I understand why F. Scott Fitzgerald drank himself to death.) And Benjamin Button is in another league than Fool’s Gold and Slumdog, and it's probably even better than the English Patient. But I haven’t seen the English Patient so I can’t be sure.

Frost/Nixon – Now we’re getting into the perilous territory of nominated movies I didn't exactly "see" or "watch" or "pay to see" or "sit all the way through" because they weren't that "interesting" or "playing near enough to my home" and because I don't own a "car" I have to see movies within biking distance. Anyways, this one is the didn't "sit all the way through" category, as I was in the theater for 25 minutes before leaving because the major dramatic tension wasn't enough to keep me from returning to my dark, empty and lonely apartment with the internet as my only friend. I mean, really, the major tension is whether this goofy-not-really-a-journalist guy is going to win in this head-to-head confrontation with Nixon? And then, during the first 11 of these two-hour interviews Nixon just creams this guy’s clock because the interview subjects are substantial policy issues that this would be journalist never seriously considered? But then, oh man, when we get to Watergate, then the protagonist studies really hard and shoves it in Nixon's face! Win for the good guys! But I mean, umm, yea? Wouldn't any monkey without a speech impediment been able to accomplish that? You have Richard Nixon spending two hours where he can't run away from the camera explaining stuff like why he directed $500,000 cash dead drops for Watergate burglars and like why did he decided to lie to the FBI, since he's on tape talking about lying to the FBI. I guess you had to live it, but if this wins best picture I’m going to be annoyed.

Milk – I didn’t see this one, but I did see a documentary on Milk’s life in college, and every scene I saw in the trailer for this Gus Van Sant version looked to be ripping off a scene from that documentary, and I know that documentary made me cry and hate people who don’t like gays, or kill gays and then serve like 5 year prison sentences. I hope that documentary wins best picture because it told an incredible story of a man who changed the world for the better and a world that wasn’t ready for him. But if Milk wins, I'm going to be annoyed that you can just rip off a 20 year old documentary and get an Oscar.

The Reader – I didn’t see this one either, but I have a feeling this one is the best of the bunch. That shouldn't matter, though, since we all know that the Academy loves them a Holocaust movie, and so the cynic in me worries the people who make these movies are doing so imagining all the awards and the income those awards will generate once the movie is done. And that irritates me, since you have to try really hard to tell a Holocaust story that won't touch and move the audience in a profound way. I mean, a 13 year-old girl’s diary is considered one of the finest books of the 20th century. So in the question of judging art and saying what’s better than the rest, these Holocaust movies just have an unfair advantage. They should be a special category, where Holocaust movies are only compared with each other and there’s one Oscar for all of them and the question is whether this particular Holocaust movie is better than the last one. So the real question, then, is the Reader better than Schindler’s List? And I can't answer that because I haven't seen Schindler's List since I was 14 and like I said I haven't seen the Reader at all but now that I think about it why is the Academy passing the buck and asking me to compare Holocaust movies anyways? Do your job Academy and I'll do mine thank you very much.

Oh yea, and I got a good Holocaust knock knock joke I learned from my friend:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
The Holocaust
(The other person here either refuses to continue the joke, or does so haltingly, expecting something repulsive to come back at them.) The…Holo-caust…who?
(Shake head disapprovingly) So you’re one of those?

We're Not Alone

2009-02-16T10:44:00.000-08:00

So now they're saying in this galaxy alone there could be billions of earth-like planets. Man, and we still don't have the technology to visit these foreign places, which means we probably don't have the superior weaponry to spread our religious beliefs and conquer these guys. I'm kind of worried that they're way ahead of us out there, and that we're going to be invaded and plagued with strange diseases we haven't developed immunities for, and then, like 400 years later our new overlords might feel some compassion and let us run a shitty casino in the middle of the desert. Oh well, what goes around comes around I guess.

Shane Battier Seems Pretty Cool or How I Backtracked on a Previous Promise and Made Another Kobe Post

2009-02-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

The NY Times Magazine has a 9 page article on Battier that I bet this blog's extensive readership won't read because of work, family, or relationship obligations that I don't have the fortune to worry about. So let me just give you the highlights.

1. Shane Battier is a selfless player with an absurdly high basketball I.Q.

2. Battier has been an undervalued player for his career because most NBA teams focus on the individual stats that don't indicate a player's worth to the team.

3. When Shane Battier guards you then you will have an off shooting night, like Kobe's 13-32 performance against the Rockets from early January 2009.

4. Kobe hit a deep 3 with under 30 seconds left to win that game against the Rockets. It had been the one bright spot for the Lakers in a game filled with Kobe over shooting. But that's the shot the Rockets wanted Kobe to take. As their stats indicated: "Bryant had taken 51 3-pointers at the very end of close games from farther than 26.75 feet from the basket. He had missed 86.3 percent of them. A little over a year ago the Lakers lost to the Cleveland Cavaliers after Bryant missed a 3 from 28.4 feet. Three nights from now the Lakers would lose to the Orlando Magic after Bryant missed a shot from 27.5 feet that would have tied the game."

And really all of this is just a big "This is what I'm talking about" to my dad. I watched the Lakers lose against Utah with Pops on Wednesday, and I want to use the bully pulpit to say that the Rockets provide the stats that I assumed were out there. During that Utah game Kobe hit a contested 3 with under 2 minutes left. I was screaming "No" at the poor shot selection just as the shot went in. Pops laughed but on the next possession Kobe missed another contested 3 that he took early in the shot clock even though the Lakers were only down 2 and there was still a few more offensive possessions to be had.

So as I've been saying about Kobe, for some reason people just remember the tough shots that go in and forget all the missed ones. Kobe is good, obviously. And he's amazing when he's shooting in the lane or curling around the screen and shooting an open 15 footer. But we've seen how he plays against Battier or the Celtics D. As Lakes' fans there should be more indignation when Kobe's forcing contested jump shots all game because the statistics show that he's actually a detriment to the Lakers' offense when he does that.

So in conclusion, who else thinks that he probably sexually assaulted that girl? I mean, the guy is always forcing the action and doesn't seem to notice when the lane isn't open. Anyone?

The Dick Cheney Standard Applied To Dick Cheney Courtesy of Jon Stewart

2009-02-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

So Cheney recently suggested that if a Guantanamo detainee kills Americans we should blame Obama. Of course this thinking ignores how Guantanamo and "enhanced" interrogations serve as recruitment tools that create more terrorists arguably making us less safe. Not to mention how holding people in prison for seven years without trial because the executive deems them dangerous kind of goes against our ideals even though mediocre yet prescient movies from the 1990s tried to warn us from becoming our enemies in order to defeat them. Anyways, so this clip from Stewart does a good job of reminding Cheney how we could use Cheney's logic to blame him for dead Americans in the future.

Paul Krugman Tries To Set the Record Straight

2009-02-06T14:33:00.001-08:00

So Talking-Points Memo already posted this clip but it's a good one, as Krugman explains how silly the tax cut as panacea philosophy is. He also does a good job of reminding ideologues like Pat Buchanan of how tax raises under Clinton coincided with the largest peacetime expansion of the economy in history. Anyways, I should let the clip speak for itself. The good back and forth starts at the 4 minute mark.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Changing the World One Blog Post At a Time

2009-02-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

So I realized how this blog is becoming my virtual soapbox, and I was going write about how I should change the name to reflect that but I first wanted to check to see if I was the creator of this ingenious idea and it turns out I’m not. That’s what I get for starting a blog in 2008. I’m a man behind the times. That’s just what I do. I didn’t get a cell phone until mid 2003, and didn’t set up my IPod until 2007. But enough about my retarded technological savvy, this post isn’t about my tribulations in this interconnected and scary world, even though in future posts I will be constantly discuss ‘me’ related topics in other contexts since apparently my generation is narcissistically self-involved.

As for changing the world and standing on the soapbox, though, I just wanted to talk about a few issues in the news and make points I’m sure other people have made in many other places but since I’ve been too busy living in my ‘me’ bubble I haven’t bothered to notice.

1) I just don’t understand how people can argue for a continuation of the economic policies that have caused the erosion of the federal surplus and have coincided with the economic collapse we’re currently experiencing. I’m referring here, of course, to people who champion tax cuts as a cure-all economic solution. I mean, I do get why people hold on to simplistic catch all phrases. I understand that lay people like me, people who don’t have an informed grasp of macroeconomics, that we want to grip onto simple theories that will allow us to feel informed and engaged in public policy debates. But even with this perfectly understandable human need to feel more powerful inside of and less uncertain about this hugely complex world, I would at least hope for some semblance of reason, some sign that the scientific revolution hasn’t gone to waste. I mean, all I’m asking for is to throw out mantras that don’t match up with the observable data. So could people please stop suggesting tax cuts are a panacea and maybe acknowledge that the tax cuts of 2001 and 2003, which coincided with the loss of the budget surplus and largest deficits (dollar wise, not as a % of GDP) in the history of the country, and which were unable to prevent this economic collapse in the first place, maybe could you acknowledge that simply offering tax cuts as a plan to stimulate the economy isn’t sufficient because if it was then we wouldn’t be here in the first place?

2) I also don’t understand people who are upset that Obama is capping salaries of the companies that take significant government funds by claiming that the best people wouldn’t be attracted to work for these companies. I mean, I could obviously make the simple point that “Really, best people? Like the people who got us into this mess in the first place?” And I should make that point, and I guess I just did, but it’s more. We also need a fundamental rethinking over what qualifies someone to be the “best” manager of a large corporation. Obviously when these managers are obsessed with their economic self-interest and are offered eight figure salaries and nine figure compensation packages, this doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to get the best people. So maybe we need the government to ensure that the compensation arrangements for managers of these behemoth corporations take stock of the long term economic health of a corporation. I’m not sure if Obama’s plan already does this or if it simply limits the managers to a six figure base salary, but maybe they should just adopt the idea I suggested above, or if they have already adopted that then please excuse me for not reading complex policy proposals, but I can be a simple minded and lazy fellow at times.

2a) Anyways, I think the trouble most people have with Obama’s move is that it comes down to philosophic principles that one has adopted in their lifetime. And for those who want an unrestricted free market, they have trouble swallowing the idea of a president setting the compensation of those in the private sector, even if that private sector has come hat-in-hand to the government for a bailout and thus doesn’t quite qualify as the private sector any longer. However, the role of the government is and should be to step in when the free market is unable to regulate itself. Just as we don’t allow the free market to dictate the rules of the road or which airplane takes off first on a runway, I think the current crisis clearly demonstrates there is a role for government to play in ensuring that managers of corporations aren’t motivated solely by their economic self-interest, especially since that interest can so easily diverge from the corporation’s and country’s economic interests. (A corollary point: it’s a simplistic view of human nature to think that the best people are only those who would work for more than $500,000 a year, since many of our brightest minds don’t appear to be motivated only by compensation, as is evinced by the quality of many people who enter public service. Perhaps managers will start to see the public service aspect in working for a corporation that the taxpayers have financed in the hope that another Great Depression is avoided.)

Anyways, the point of all of this is a) I do understand why people adopt simplistic philosophic principles for understanding complex issues of public policy but b) I don’t understand how people can repeat these simplistic philosophies when economic realities demonstrate them to be inadequate methods for understanding this world.

Also, I like to end on a joke, and I don't have one right now so I'll just have to steal a line from Mitch Hedberg until I come up with my own: "I walked by a dry-cleaners at 3:00 in the morning and there was a sign on the door that said, 'Sorry, We Are Closed.' I was like, 'Don't be sorry, it's 3:00 in the morning, you're a dry-cleaners...there is no need to apologize.'"

The Nerds Back Me Up, Lebron Is Four Times the Player Kobe Is

2009-01-28T21:58:00.001-08:00

Ok, so this is my last Kobe post for a while. Last night there's no doubt Kobe played well, hitting some clutch shots in the 4th quarter to send the game to overtime before he fouled out and the Lakers lost in the second overtime. So Kobe was the key. And like I said, Kobe's good, just not as good as the hype. Well now I found the stats that back me up.

It all comes down to adjusted plus/minus. (Without bringing up the lame arguments my brother and I get into, I finally concede he was right on this one even though I'm still not clear how using 'fractals' proved his point. However, it was an informative 10 minutes tonight while he explained what they hell 'fractals' are while I looked at pictures of them online.) So the idea behind adjusted plus/minus is that it tries to isolate an individual's contribution to a team based on the point differential when that individual is on the floor. This seems like an obviously superior measure of a player's value than scoring, rebounds, blocks, etc. because it captures the intangibles (Yes Joe Morgan fanatics, in the team game of basketball, unlike the one-on-one match-ups in baseball, there are a whole host of intangibles like defense, tipped passes, altering shots, spreading the floor, etc. that aren't reflected in the stat sheet.) and helps quantify what instincts should tell us, that defensive specialists who own the championship bling like Bruce Bowen are more valuable then scoring machines who shoot a low percentage like Stephon Marbury.

Anyways, you can check out these stats yourself even though I know you readers (Mom) aren't going to since you don't care about the NBA, but thanks for driving me to all those practices and going to my games. You were always so supportive even though I was too short for the game. Also, if you got time, could you pick me up from the airport on Friday?

Lebron's the best in the NBA and four times the player Kobe is.

Lebron being entirely responsible for the Cavs success because every other player is average or below average.

Odom is more valuable to the Lakers' success than Kobe is.

An Open Letter to John Grisham

2009-01-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

Dear John,

I really like all the books of yours that I’ve read, and the movies made from your books that I’ve seen. Please allow me to list the stuff of yours I’ve read or watched to prove my sincerity: The Firm, The Pelican Brief, A Time to Kill, Runaway Jury, The Rainmaker, The Client and hmmm, I guess that’s it. Anyways, so I read your interview on Above the Law today. I see that you don’t like law firms and don’t empathize with the lifestyle's Biglaw attorneys have. I couldn’t agree more. However, for some of us who went a different route, there is a little thing called law school debt that is so overwhelming that sometimes in the middle of the day, like out of nowhere, I’m filled with sudden panic attacks trying to imagine how I will ever pay it off so that I have the satisfactory credit history necessary to purchase the home necessary to bag the quality female necessary to ensure I don't wake up alone the rest of my life. In my weaker moments, I must admit, I plan the death I may one day fake to escape this debt purgatory.

So if you could see it in your heart to ever Google “John Grisham, Pear Sandwich” and come across this blog, please consider this letter a request that you either A) loan me $140,000 interest free or B) read my fiction, give me some pointers and pass it along to people in the know/loan me $140,000 interest free, that would be peachy. Thanks in advance.

P.S. For my friends out there who are planning on waiting 2-4 months then creating a fake email account with the name “John Grisham” in the hope of pranking me, please don’t, even though if I were in your shoes I would do the exact same thing, hope that you were foolish enough to bite and then laugh about it for a good portion of the rest of my life, happily retelling that story to anyone who would listen. So, you know, thanks in advance to you too for not doing that.

Things Nice People Never Say

2009-01-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

“Are you sure you’re 18? I mean, you just don’t look it. And I could get in a lot of trouble here. Don’t you have a driver’s license or a college student card or something?”

“I’m sorry to hear about your father. Is it ok if I smell the corpse? I’ve always been curious.”

“Wait, are you telling me you’re not paying for new tires? So now it’s my fault your dog sleeps behind parked cars? Fine, at least let me use your hose.”

“Hi, I’m Karl Rove.”

"Hi, I'm Kobe Bryant."

“So you don’t have a driver’s license or student id card…ok…I mean, ok, I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. So let’s do this. Wait, all right, we can wait till after Space Mountain if you want.”

“No, in the Army JAG Corps you have to go to active war zones. And you know, if you think about it, that means I’m not going to have another chance like this in 15 months. All the women I’ll come across will be wearing veils and have stones thrown at them if they talk to me. So if this doesn’t happen I’ll be thinking about this the entire time I’m out there. And if I’m distracted, I won’t be able to prosecute the war on terror effectively. Is that what you want? Do you want distracted soldiers? Do you want the terrorists to win? Do you want the world wide caliphate to come to California?”

List of Grievances

2009-01-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

1. Drudge Report’s Global Warming Headlines

So Drudge has discovered that there’s money to be made in questioning the overwhelming consensus among scientists that man is causing global warming. And that’s not even why I’m annoyed,even though no peer reviewed scientific article (at least until 2004) has ever challenged that man is contributing to the warming of the climate. Rather, for me the bigger problem with the Drudge Report is that it has been encouraging people to think global warming doesn’t exist at all. Apparently this winter is colder than those of the past few years in some cities. So Drudge has been linking articles like these with labels suggesting this disproves global warming. That’s just annoying. I know I’m picking the lowest hanging fruit here in my post, but it’s still hanging fruit and so it needs to be picked. (Relatedly, you ever wonder if farm workers take their dates apple picking?) A) It’s winter. It’s supposed to be cold in winter. Global warming doesn't mean it's always 80 degrees. It just means average global temperatures are warmer than they used to be. You can't say, “Man it’s cold today. Global warming is ridiculous.” B) You also don’t insinuate global warming is a myth since winter 2008 is the coldest since 1999. Temperature rise doesn’t occur in a linear fashion.

Essentially, the problem with both of those arguments is they have a ridiculously narrow focus that miss the big picture, and it’s just so annoying to adopt this narrow focus when we are talking about such an important issue like the warming of the planet. Much like how ridiculous it is for Stu Lantz and the Kobe groupies to go nuts when Kobe hits a last second shot against the Rockets even though Kobe's 13-32 shooting performance made the game much closer than it should have been in the first place. We need to focus on the big picture people. That's what separates us from the autistic.

2. Jon Cornyn’s Petty Grievance

So Obama had a good inauguration speech. I especially liked it when Obama asked us to put aside our petty grievances to advance the interests of the nation. So it was especially heartening to see that Jon Cornyn doesn’t want to do that. Instead he wants to spend three hours discussing, or investigating or whatever the hell he hopes to accomplish by highlighting the link between Bill Clinton’s foundation’s donors and the possible improprieties this could create at the State Department. If there’s one thing this country needs in its efforts to move past partisanship it’s another investigation into the Clinton’s “questionable” financial affairs. Seriously, what could the angle possibly be? That donors gave money to Bill Clinton’s charitable foundation, a foundation that helps eradicate AIDS around the globe, in the expectation that his wife would be Secretary of State and then would…practice friendlier diplomacy with a country of this particular donor’s choosing? Anyways, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe if we only give Jon some room here, maybe if we designate a special prosecutor, and give that prosecutor 7 years and $60 million we can find out whom Bill has been banging since he left the White House.

3. Pauly Shore’s Standup

Apparently Johnny Carson wrote a paper in college about what makes something funny. That sounds like an interesting paper, and hopefully I come across it some day. In the meantime I want to talk about something that’s easier to discuss, why things aren’t funny -- like Pauly Shore’s stand-up. So Pauly went on for an hour with only eight minutes of laughable material (the laughable stuff was self-deprecating to the state of his career). The remaining 52 minutes were racist remarks (he dropped an n-bomb and adopted an absurd caricature of what a black person sounds like) and stories about how he has had sex with women. This really isn’t a grievance on the same level as the others though. Basically I just wanted to point out that I saw Pauly in Tahoe this weekend, and that I was in Tahoe snowboarding because I’m cool and cool people snowboard, and that the temperatures in Tahoe were really warm because there’s this thing called global warming and there hasn’t been snowfall in the Sierra Nevadas in weeks.

The remaining grievances are pretty self-explanatory:

4. Those that Think God Wants them to Occupy a Certain Section of Land

5. Those that Think God Wants them to Kill Nonbelievers

6. Those that Think God Wanted them to Be President

7. Ann Coulter

8. The Happiness of Others

9. The Laughter of Children

10. Those that Put Others Down, Including Former A-List Celebrities who Are Forced to do Stand-up in Podunk Towns on Holiday Weekends, to Feel Better About Themselves

Hey Kobe, Did You Ever Get Back to Shaq about How His Ass Taste?

2009-01-09T22:25:00.000-08:00

One of the great advances in human history is the recognition of bias, experience, expectation, etc. in shaping the way we humans perceive certain realities:

MARGE: Come on, Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.

HOMER: That's not how I remember it.

Regardless of the inability for people to agree on all external realities, there remain some cold hard facts that everyone should agree on no matter what: death comes for us all, kittens and puppies are cute, and Lebron James is currently the best basketball player on the planet. Yet for some reason, during the halftime show of tonight’s Mavs/Suns game on ESPN, both Avery Johnson and Jerry Stackhouse said they’d vote for Kobe over Lebron because Kobe has three rings. (And I’d thought Mark Cuban was an idiot for firing Johnson in favor of the proven underachiever Rick Carlisle.)

I mean, it’s sometimes hard to find the right metrics by which to determine which of two basketball players is superior when they both have similar skills. And I can see how in some of those close calls, when basketball players maybe played against each other in a play-off series or two with teams of similar abilities, you might use ‘championships won’ as a tie-breaker. But we can’t do that here. Kobe has consistently played with more talented teammates and had better coaching than Lebron. To make my point, why don’t we engage in a little “thought experiment.” Let’s just assume that Kobe played on a team that didn’t have the most dominant player of his era on his team. Let’s just assume that he played on a team that didn’t have the greatest coach in NBA history calling the plays. Ok, you probably guessed where I'm going with this, the 2004-05 season when Kobe led the Lakers to an impressive 34 wins. So when it’s just Kobe, no dominant center and no Phil then Kobe can’t make the play-offs. The 2005-06 season saw the return of Phil, 45 wins and a first round exist from the play-offs. In 2006-07 the Lakers get 42 wins and another first round exit. So when it’s no dominant center and Phil it’s a team that barely makes the play-offs and forces Kobe to point fingers and demand trades. But when Bynum puts his game together and the Lakers somehow convince the Grizzlies it's in their interests to trade Kwame Brown for Pau Gasol, then Kobe is the MVP and the Lakers the best in the West.

And what does Lebron do with an undistinguished coach and no dominant center or any other player of note? Well, he single handedly beats the Pistons in the 2007 Eastern Conference Finals. He’s also currently leading his team to the best record in the East. I mean, really, can anyone argue with a straight face that the Cavs wouldn’t be a better team if they had Gasol, Bynum and Phil? Is there any non-glue sniffing Laker fan who would trade Bynum or Gasol for any of the Cavaliers? Isn’t it just absurdly obvious that Lebron is doing the same (team record wise in the 2008 season) as Kobe is with the Lakers but with far less talent surrounding him?

Basically my problems with Kobe go beyond a mere comparison with him and Lebron. Kobe is an enormously gifted athlete who can make more forced shots than anyone else in the league, but that doesn’t make him a better basketball player. Basketball is a team game it’s not about how incredible some of your made shots look. And while less often then it used to be, Kobe still too often uses his unbelievable athleticism to attempt an ill-advised shot fading away from the basket while surrounded by three defenders instead of passing to an open teammate. It'll make the highlights when that shot goes in, but more often than not it doesn't and Kobe glares at the ref while everybody else erases the poor decision-making from their collective memory. So my problem is that there has been an overvaluing of Kobe’s talents for his entire career. I mean, the Shaq v. Kobe debate should never have been close. Kobe should have deferred to Shaq up until the 2006 season (assuming the Lakers didn't appease Kobe by trading Shaq and assuming Kobe could have learned to live with Shaq like every other teammate Shaq ever had who found they could, because then the Lakers would have done what hindsight demonstrated they should have and wrung another championship or two out of the big dog) but Kobe's pride has never allowed him to defer to anything, even the most dominant center of an era. Anyways, just to prove my point let’s look at the cold hard facts of the time those two spent together. From 1996 until 2004, for Laker games featuring O’Neal but not Bryant, the Lakers were 36-8, an .818 winning percentage. In games featuring Bryant but not O’Neal, the Lakers were 53-45, a .541 winning percentage.

So in conclusion, he even though Kobe hits some pretty difficult jumpers at the end of games like he did tonight against the Pacers, if we just focus on those moments and not the three possessions in the last six minutes where he didn’t give the bigs a touch and forced up contested shots that missed, and if we ignore the talent of his teammates and coaches in helping him succeed, or if ignore the lack of success his teams had without a dominant center, or if we look over Lebron’s depleted roster, then we are missing the big picture. Kobe is great, but not as great as many believe. Also, he really should get back to Shaq about the ass taste. It’s just rude to take that long to answer someone’s question.

That's Weird, It Looks Like the Senate Democrats Have Spines in that Picture

2009-01-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

So apparently the race card is a trump. I wish I’d know that when I was playing crazy 8s the other day. See grandma had played the King of Corruption, and I didn’t have any cards to play since there isn't really a Corruption suit in a regular deck and I was out of 8s. But Grandma is half-crazy and full-senile so maybe it didn't matter anyways. But jeez, if I had known that all I had to do was assert that her card play was akin to an old fashioned southern lynching to get back to Diamonds (I had lots of Diamonds) then I would have at least tried.

I would also like to make a few more points with my remaining time. Point 1- seriously? Do you Senate Democrats just always cave? I mean, this wasn’t like this was the Bush Administration placing the vote for an unnecessary war right before a midterm election or anything. This was a few old guard civil rights leaders claiming that keeping your word to block any appointment from the corruption-tainted governor who looks like Sean Astin/some guy I went to law school with who I shouldn't name since he's not really a public figure but if you knew who I was talking about you'd say "Yea, he does look like the governor" as segregation politics. You Dems really need to learn more about saving face because this wishy-washy folding in the face of criticism makes you guys appear like a bunch of spineless wussies. Point 2- really old guard civil rights leaders, you were serious? You really believe that this was an old style lynching? You really think that language is appropriate and no way diminishes the old practice of hanging black people by trees with the rope squeezing their necks so tightly that oxygen no longer pumped into their hearts and brains and then their body was left out for everyone to see all for the purpose of keeping the backward/racist/tyrannical social Southern order? You think that language in no way diminishes real claims against real racism in the future so that you guys have absolutely no credibility when you try and stop those real attempts at racism?

Anyways, so this has been a disappointing week by our nation’s leaders and it leads me, as it often does, to say U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

John McCain’s 2008 Campaign Drove David Foster Wallace to Suicide

2008-12-31T19:07:00.000-08:00

Let me begin by saying that I don’t believe the title of this post. It’s merely meant to tantalize the existing readership, and maybe even attract that elusive third reader. However, it’s not like this title is completely nonsensical. See, the other day I read an essay Dave wrote about McCain’s 2000 campaign for president, “Up Simba”. Rolling Stone had asked Dave to cover the primary campaign after McCain’s New Hampshire upset victory over what’s-his-face. What Dave ended up writing is too layered for me to try and explain, or for anyone to fully appreciate, unless they actually read the piece. But I will do my best anyways, since I’ve already written this tantalizing title and all. So what Dave tries to do is move beyond the simple explanations of how this old-guy-underdog beat the candidate the Republican Party brass and establishment had backed. As everybody surely remembers, McCain’s success was because he was perceived as the anti-politician – an honest and forthright guy who told it like it was, a guy who wouldn’t stoop to the same tired political tricks his competitors employed, you know, a Maverick. But Dave was skeptical. Dave worried that McCain had understood that voters were so tired of politicians lying to them, that they were so tired of the negative campaigning and of the tricks that played to the worst aspects of us that we might be tricked into believing a guy was an anti-politician when he really was just like the rest of the tried and true poll-conscious, safe-word-choosing, will-lie-to-serve-their-own-needs politicians anyways. (There’s probably an analogy to the courtship of females in here.) However, Dave wanted to believe. He hoped that not all who seek the highest and most powerful position in the free world are so nakedly ambitious that they are willing to do and say anything to get the job. And Dave thought if any man could be sincere, if any man was a true patriot who wanted to be elected not because of naked personal ambition but because of service to a cause greater than himself, then it would be John McCain, a man who suffered beyond what any of us would likely endure in a POW camp, a man who could have been released early to avoid the extensive torture but refused to do so because of his belief in a code of military conduct that forbid soldiers to leave ahead of those who were captured before them. So in this piece Dave was essentially begging, hoping against his better judgment that there was a man better than the rest. He’s hoping that this person actually possesses qualities that can inspire the rest of us to be better human beings. And so “Up Simba” is filled with this tension. Is this guy different than every single other politician of Dave’s life, politicians that have in the end always disappointed?

Dave never settles this uncertainty in “Up Simba”. McCain’s campaign ended before Dave could get a true measure of the man. But, I mean, the whole time I’m reading the essay I’m thinking I should stop, since I know how this turns out. McCain’s 2008 campaign demonstrated that this had been a false hope (although we now have a guy who now inspires a new hope). We all saw McCain 2008 employ the people and methods that McCain 2000 had chastised. Here was McCain 2008 push polling, robocalling, accusing Obama of teaching kindergarteners sex ed, and having his running mate, Sarah Palin, appeal to the worst in us by playing to those artificial distinctions such as a “real Virginia” and a “real America”. (And that decision to choose Palin as a running mate was probably the most cynical of all the moves McCain 2008 made, for this was a person who was obviously under qualified to serve and whose only attributes were her appeal to the Evangelicals in the Republican base and the disaffected females that were upset Hillary didn’t get the Democratic nomination.)

So on to the main points of this post, which are two-fold. (1) Dave Wallace wrote amazing essays and everyone should read Consider the Lobster and anything else Dave wrote so that we can talk about his stuff. (2) From reading Dave’s works one can see how troubled the man was and to a certain extent why he was troubled. And this brings up, for me at least, the relationship between genius and happiness. There is very little question that Dave was a genius. The man had such a breadth of knowledge, and depth to that knowledge, that I feel I wouldn’t do it any justice to try and describe how he demonstrated this genius in his writings. You really just have to read his stuff for yourself. So why was he troubled enough to kill himself? Was it because he was such a genius? I’ve heard people make this argument and it troubles me. I’ve heard people say that geniuses are unhappy because they’re so smart. And perhaps in the same way Dave didn’t want to believe that all politicians were so nakedly ambitious, I don’t want to believe that genius and unhappiness go hand-in-hand.

My main problem with this argument is that it strikes me as arrogant. Essentially the argument is, “Intelligent people are sad because they see how fucked up the world is and their intelligence doesn’t let them to trick themselves into ignoring it or finding some other way to gloss over it by finding Jesus or Muhammad or a Monk marathon on the USA Network.” And the reason this is an arrogant argument is that the people I hear make it are usually imagining themselves as the tortured genius, and to me this is a conceited way to not deal with what’s really causing the unhappiness: “Oh, I’m unhappy because I’m so smart.” But if you were so smart, then you’d figure out how to be happy. That is, finding happiness is in some ways a matter of intelligence. It takes a certain amount of adjusting one’s world views, and thinking and rethinking and reflecting and studying and sitting in silence and trying out new approaches and generally working hard at it before discovering the path that leads to happiness. Take the Dalai Lama for example. That guy walks around with that smug sense of peace even though he’s an exiled leader of a country that couldn’t defend itself from the 1950s version of the Chinese Army. So even though the guy has to suffer the public humiliation of leading an occupied country, he’s figured out how to come to terms with it, and that’s not easy. Of course, though, the problem with the view that it takes intelligence to be happy is that it runs into problems when you come across troubled geniuses like Dave. But I don’t know…I mean, I think Dave was probably pretty disappointed in what McCain had become. I think Dave – and if you read this piece on McCain you can see it, you can see Dave sincerely hoping with all his heart that there exists a man out there who is somehow above it all, who somehow places his own ambitions below a higher purpose, a purpose that serves the greater good – just couldn’t come to terms with the darker aspects of human nature that we all possess. None of us is Jesus, and at a certain point we’ll put our own interests above others. And in most circumstances we’ll probably put our own interests above the greater good. I just think a lot of people aren’t honest with themselves about what they would do if they were in the same positions as the politicians are. Yes every once in a while the greater good gets sacrificed for an individual’s political survival or self-interests and yes that’s pretty disappointing but would we really do any different? I mean, who doesn't fudge a bit in their own job interviews, and that's what these guys are doing. Anyways, that’s getting pretty abstract. I guess the point of this post is that the only thing I can say, without meaning any disrespect to this man who has written some of the best stuff I’ve ever read, is he really wasn’t smart enough, otherwise he would have found a way to be at peace with himself and this world. Now I’m going out to spend some time with friends and people I don’t know really well, or at all, to welcome in a new year. I hope you all enjoy your night.

First Principles

2008-12-26T01:24:00.000-08:00

So my first principal was Mrs. Something or other. I can't remember her name, but I remember that she clearly had a thing for me even though I was six at the time when I was called in her office because I spit at somebody in line. Don't remember who that person was, but they were a squealing ass mother f'er of a rat for telling on me.

But as for principles, it's important to stick to them. This idea of pear sandwich was about randomness for entertainment purposes. It's about keeping people on their toes. I feel that lately it's been about me showing everybody how sweet I am, which is, I admit, an important message to get out to John Q. Public, but it does stray away from those core principles. Anyways, so tonight I'm using pear sandwich to keep me up long enough to stop the room from spinning and from the ringing in my ears to stop. God bless the holidays. Also, why does that voice in my head keep saying, "You are the one true Messiah, and you shall rain fire down upon your enemies!"? Because that's weird.

Also, look for my next post where I'll preview the upcoming football play-offs. Did the Titans and Giants peak too early? Will the Falcons be the feel good story of the year, or will one of the teams who limped by in the regular season, like the Chargers/Broncos/Cardinals/Ravens/Falcons/Colts get hot and win 3 or 4 games in a row for some random reason and be called the best team of the 2008/2009 season because we Americans believe that winning a one game elimination play-off system makes you the best team for a given year even though the last three super bowl champs were clearly not the best teams during the 16 game season that they played in? That's just not the way to view things people, and once again there are lessons to learn from our friends in old Europe. So the way they do soccer over there, you get a trophy for being the regular season champ, a trophy for winning the league tournament, a trophy for the country tournament and a trophy for the extra special guys who win the European tournament. Each trophy is assessed a relative value, but just cause you don't win the whole thing doesn't mean the season was a failure. A regular season trophy is a point of tremendous pride. Man, they really know what they're doing over their, just look at Steven Gerrard's face.

Anyways, clearly I need a job or a girlfriend because I'm posting all the time now. But on the plus side, the room is spinning a little slower and the voice inside my head is now only telling me to burn down my apartment.

USA! USA! USA!

Not Taking No For an Answer (and No I'm Not Referring to My Trial -- the Jury Came Back "Not Guilty" on that One Thank You Very Much)

2008-12-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

So there's a parody newspaper out there in the world called The Onion. I'm sure both of this blog's readers have heard of it. But I think it's important to get some context for this post in the off chance that this blog ever picks up a wide international following -- or gets a third reader. So this parody newspaper doesn't allow unsolicited submissions. Only the guys who already work for the paper are allowed to come up with their hilarious fake news stories. When one considers the necessity of a free and vigorous press to the full functioning of a democracy, well, then one has to wonder why this monopoly on the fake news business wasn't rectified earlier.

And so I just decided to share some of the news stories that The Onion decided not to publish or reject or acknowledge that they received in any way whatsoever. (At least my ex-girlfriends have the decency to tell our mutual friends that I'm starting to scare them and that these friends should intervene to prevent me from having another run in with the legal system. Shame on you The Onion.) I also included a mini write up of how I feel each article should be written:

1. God Reports Sudden Increase in Masturbations to a “Sarah Palin” -- I feel like this one is self-explanatory. It's definitely dated since the election is over (The election is over in case you didn't know people. I'm not sure who won but that info is out there somewhere.) and she's been on national scene for months now. But at the time I came up with this it was revolutionary.

2. District Attorney Changing Fantasy Line-up during Child Molestation Case -- The story goes through what changes the DA is thinking of for his fantasy football team. The why -- potential matchups -- past performances, while the child who reported the molestation is being cross examined by the defense. Not sure why I keep making jokes about fantasy football, but I'll take a timeout from doing that one for a while. Get it, timeout? Anyways, it's probably a good idea to put a few obvious objections the DA failed to make in there too.

3. Sexual Tension between Juror 2 and Juror 7 Palpable -- The story is about two good looking people who have been making eyes during a horrific crime case. Quotes from bailiff, judge, victim's family -- all who have noticed it and are generally supportive of the two.

4. Jodie Foster Admits Interest in John Hinkley -- The story is about Jodie’s revelation, recently made, that she would have been impressed with Hinckley if he actually pulled off the assassination of Reagan. She notes how few president’s have actually been assassinated, what a difficult task the assassin has, and talks about how grand the gesture was -- it wasn’t like roses, a tired poem or a boring dinner and movie. However, since he failed she couldn’t go for him because she only dates winners.

5. Man With Strange Rash Will Buy Name Brand Next Time -- Area man, 28, developed a strange rash on his inner thigh. Upon seeing the options area man purchased the CVS pharmacy brand, saving himself 1 dollar. 4 days later, with the rash still unabated, the man has decided next time to splurge and pay for the name brand.

6. Area Man, 28, Submits Unsolicited Stories to Parody Newspaper Despite Clear Directions Not Too -- It could analyze why the man, even though highly educated and capable of reading and understanding simple directions, still chooses not to follow the guidelines which forbid such submissions: delusions of grandeur, an inability to accept his station in life or to properly evaluate his joke making abilities.

A Christmas Story

2008-12-21T00:27:00.000-08:00

Hey haven't posted in a while. I've been busy focusing on my literary career. And here is one of the stories I've written in that time:

Well that was sucky. Just tried to post it but then the people at Google said something about not letting meta content on these blogs. I don't know what that means, but it's just like Google to try to keep the little people down, just like they did to Yahoo and Microsoft. And I'm too lazy to write that story out so I guess that's that on sharing stories. Anyways, so per Jeev's suggestion I guess I should do my fantasy football analysis now. Kurt Warner and Phillip Rivers had a good year, so hopefully you had them on your fantasy team. Same goes for Adrian Peterson. LT was a bust, eh? Those RBs got a short shelf life. They're like produce that way. Yea, just like produce to hit the seams quick, dodge a few tackles then have their bodies give out on them after 4-5 seasons.

2008-09-02T07:31:00.001-07:00

I see we've gone a little off the rails in my absence?

Truth or D.A.R.E.?

2008-09-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

So the title post is slightly misleading. I'm not asking people to elect between admitting a truth about their self or participating in Drug Abuse Resistance Education. But imagine if I were? Or how about if you played that game socially? I got to remember to go to the patent office later. This is my best idea since I made "kings" a drinking game that argued about the dangers of hereditary political systems.

Any who, so crazy thing happened last night. It started out like any other night, crying to myself till about 8pm, then surfing around the internet looking for mail order brides before I decided to head outdoors to the community hot tub. But down at the hot tub things took a different turn. There were six people -- three good looking ladies and three friendly enough dudes. They were playing some games and let me in on the truth or dare. Long story slightly shorter, I ended up kissing a really good looking girl from the Ukraine. Turned into a pretty cool night. I mean, I have made a lot of solitary trips down to a community hot tub in my life. At least 100 times, maybe 200. Many of those trips I was the only one there. Many times other people were there and we just ignored each other. Other times I'd have awkward conversations with the strange people about how their days went/life is going. But this was definitely the only time I ended up kissing a girl from the Ukraine.

But then the security guard came by and kicked us out of the hot tub for being there too late. No one in that group of six actually lived in the complex. So the girls went into the clubhouse to change and the doods, who were for some reason suddenly less friendly to me just cause I made out with one of their ladies, didn't invite me to stick around. So I felt awkward and got out of there without waiting for any of the girls to get out of the clubhouse. So I'll never see my new lady love again. I always got to play it cool. Can't stand around awkwardly. Can't show I'm interested while everyone else is around. Too cool. Too damn cool. Can't wait to start crying again tonight.

It probably didn't matter anyways since life has taught me that I am physically incapable of having a meaningful relationship. Any time I trick them into caring, I just went out after that. I probably have this gene.

So back to the crying and mail order brides. And blogging. Stay tuned for my next post where I'll preview the upcoming football season. Will the Patriots be able to close the deal? Or will it be the Colts coming out of the AFC? Maybe the Chargers can finally put it together, or maybe we'll come up with some other distraction where we are able to take our minds off the eternal nothingness that is this existence. I think I'm going to get into fantasy football.

Post Partisianship and Heath Ledger

2008-08-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

Um, so I just have a few points I want to make. We Americans will never get past partisanship. Just can't do it. The us v. them, Hutu v. Tutsi, yin/yang, Kobe/Shaq mentality is just ingrained in the human psyche. Evolutionary, biological, chemical -- whatever the cause, it's a phenomenon that won't go away. Wait, I got an theory on the cause. The universe is too complicated for any of us to fully understand. To understand ourselves and our place in that universe requires us to define ourselves by who we are not. And so to deal with the uncertainty, we must always find an enemy.

Regardless of whether you buy into that explanation or not, just know that I want to go on record now (future edits notwithstanding) that if Barack Hussein Obama wins the election, he will not be remembered as a president who destroyed partisanship. I mean, I believe him that he wants to move beyond partisanship. And I believe there are others who do as well. I'm just saying it won't happen cause they are vastly outnumbered. There's too many people in this country that will never move beyond tribalism, no matter how that tribalism is reflected. And in our first world modern post industrial society, our tribalism is the partisanship where the enemies are members of another political party.

I mean, c'mon people. Seriously. If you don't think you're part of the problem here, write down your political principles -- you know, all the reasons that you said you hated a candidate -- then hold yourself to a standard of complete honesty -- to see how and when those principles waiver. Cause they will waiver, they always do. (Many ideologues now denounce Bush for going away from conservative principles like expanding the size of the federal government and debt but when creating new entitlement programs resulted in electoral success there was a curious silence.) And what it comes down to in a lot of cases is essentially just picking a side and sticking with it. A predetermined friend versus the amorphous enemy.

Also, must keep my word about reviewing the Dark Knight. It was good, not great and Heath Ledger was pretty awesome.

Going solo

2008-08-08T12:24:00.000-07:00

After months of soul searching and countless hours of interviewing some of our nation's best and brightest minds, I've decided to continue the promise of pear sandwich solo. I just didn't feel that any of these people understood exactly what a pear sandwich is let alone how to find one and properly eat it. Sarah, who long ago did understand, is no longer capable.

So Sarah's mom filled me in on Sarah's whereabouts after our date in the back of my car. Sarah, as many of you know, is a semi-literate alcoholic with a whale-like shapeliness. Out of ice for her weekday cocktail she booked a flight to the Arctic to get some more. Mistaken for prey she was harpooned in the skull, rendering her a drooling shell of her former drooling shell of a person. She now spends her days plotting the simplest of revenges upon the Inuit people. (Small pox blankets have already been done Sarah. These ones who survived are resistant.)

So, like I said, I must now move forward. A story of perseverance in the face of adversity. A man unafraid to face life alone. Blogging alone. Dining alone. Most likely dying alone. Like all the great tortured geniuses who have come before me. Don't pity me. It's the cross that I bear, and I have grown accustomed to its weight.

Ohh, and lookout for my next post where I will be reviewing the Dark Knight.

Hey, chump

2008-04-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

How's that search for my replacement working out?

Sarah Is Dead

2008-03-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Good morning readers/mom. Having not heard from Sarah for two weeks, it can only be assumed that she is dead. It is a pity. The world is now down one lady of ill-repute. (See how I refused to use a much funnier, but much more derogatory word? Take solace that I respect your memory Sarah.) Sailors, merchant marines, Japanese whalers, and dockworkers across the globe all mourn today. They will now be unable to get so much for so little. A true loss in this day when the value of dollar is in such decline.

On another note, pear sandwich is now taking applications to fill her vacancy. Please include a resume and at least 2 references.

mexicans, carrots, John Adams

2008-03-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Did you know that if you type in "mexicans, carrots, John Adams" into Google that the first hit is a crazy website that appears to be stealing the personal information off your computer? Think about it.

The good book gets better

2008-03-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

"Why didn't we leave earlier?" Sarah asked Fantastic.
"Because you never indicated that you would leave."
"Earlier I asked you to leave and you replied by pointing at your shoe." The two walked towards the apartments made of ivy and gardens.
"Huh, I thought you were asking me something else. I thought you had asked me 'What is that smell?'"
The two of them laughed.
"Wouldn't that be something if when I asked you about leaving you answered by pointing to your shoe'"
"You mean, if I just said something completely random back?" Sir Fantastic had a habit of asking questions like this. He felt he had to with Sarah. She tends not to be clear with what she means, and one must ask clarifying questions to be sure.
"Yes." She answered.
"Hahaha. That would have been funny."
Just then, the heavens opened up and God spake unto his children. "Go forth and spread the word. You have seen thine glory." And right at the moment, the sun shone down, the ray of light beaming on Sarah's sneakers and Fantastic's sandal clad feet. Fantastic and Sarah in awe, knelt in front of the Lord. When the light went away the two wondered what sight they had just betook. "What do you think it means?" Sarah asked.
"The Lord commands us. He commands your obedience to me."
The Lord reopened the heavens and spake again, "Moreover thou shalt make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine twined linen, and blue, and purple, and scarlet: with cherubims of cunning work shalt thou make them. The length of one curtain shall be eight and twenty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and every one of the curtains shall have one measure." Exodus 26:1-2.
It was then that Sarah understood. "God wants us to build a house of randomness. He wants us to bring randomness into the world. To entertain. So we shall not have to suffer like we did earlier at the hands of the solicitor general. And it is not just for ourselves. We shall bring less suffering into the world for all, and then all shall know God's glory."
"Ok, maybe. But I'm pretty sure he still wants you to obey me."

The Good Book cont'd

2008-03-19T08:41:00.001-07:00

This was a simple miscommunication, not yet the beginnings of God’s blessed game -- PEAR SANDWICH. So Fantastic and Sarah continued to sit. The evil they faced outlined the conservative judicial philosophy. And the two suffered from boredom, both unaware of each other's desire to leave immediately. Sarah, faithless woman that she is, did not understand she would be delivered from this evil. She shook her fist at the heavens and cursed God, “Why? Why? Why has thou forsaken me?” Upon which the audience, startled, turned their heads and stared. Sarah, quick wit that she possetheth, turned to the girl next to her and asked her to "keep it down. You are being rude to our honored guest." The solicitor general was not used to such exultations. He fumbled around in his prepared remarks, trying to find his place. Fantastic, in his infinite man-wisdom, suddenly understood the earlier miscommunication between he and Sarah. He then used the confusion permeating the pavilion to slip away unharmed, taking the weak willed Sarah with him. And it was on that walk home that God spake unto them, “You shall also make curtains of goats’ hair for a tent over the tabernacle.” (Exodus 26:7)