Octopus Proves Everything we Thought about Religion and Science is Wrong

I'm afraid that people are unwilling to admit the full implication of Paul the octopus's predictions. In predicting the winner of games, Paul took longer to predict the winner in close matches. This shows that the final scores weren't just revealed to him. That closer games took longer to predict means Paul saw the future on some fast forwarded Tivo-like apparatus, and in those closer games he had to watch the game all the way to the end.

The implication of this is clear, with special talents and perceptions a sentient being can see the future. Perhaps it is not seeing. Perhaps it is simply understanding that time is but an illusion. Nonetheless, the fact that an octopus of all creatures is first to demonstrate this ability shows two things: modern science and the Judeo/Chrisitian/Islamic model of understanding the world is horrendously flawed. For both the JCI model and modern science completely rule out the possibility of a lowly invertebrate predicting future world events. For science, man is the dominant creature who contains the highest level of sentient functions. It looks like in that 95% of dark matter that science cannot currently comprehend, some entity is projecting World Cup soccer matches that humans cannot currently perceive. And for the JCI, there are but one God (or three depending on how you count that Trinity), a God who reveals his majesty to human prophets, not eight-legged ink producers incapable of profiting off this knowledge at a sports book.

So how does the octopus access this higher level of consciousness, one where future events are fast-forwarded? We cannot be sure. But the facts before us are starkly clear, this realm exists and it is possible to be accessed. This octopus has done so. It remains for the rest of us to discover it as well. The first one to do so gets crowned the new Jesus/Ace Rothstein. Here's hoping it is I.

A Legal No-Man's Land

I came across this news story a few weeks ago. I couldn't blog about it then because the future ex-Mrs Fantastic was still in town and she's demanding of my time.

So the upshot of that article is that a US Army civilian threatened to kill his neighbor with an ax. The neighbor had been blowing a vuvuzela during a World Cup game. This threat took place in the city of Weiden, the lovely German city I live in. So coupled with that I'm also an attorney for the Army, I can offer insight as well as geographic proximity to this story.

Here is that insight: The US Army civilian is an a unique place legally. If the Germans do not prosecute a US civilian criminally then the civilian faces no criminal sanction. The US authorities may bar a civilian from post or from receiving a stay beyond a tourist visa. And of course those can be punishments and/or annoyances, but they don't go on your permanent record the same way a conviction does. The only blemish to one's permanent record is that a MP report is created with the civilian's name as the subject. If that civilian later seeks a job with the government the report will be available during the background check, making employment harder to come by. And of course, this civilian who threatened Germans with an ax may lose his or her current job. However, considering the amount of US civilians out here, especially the number of children to servicemembers, one does not have to think too hard about situations in which criminal acts may go unpunished, especially since this is a much more decriminalized society than ours. So if a crime is simply at a minimum level where the Germans do not care to prosecute, then even if an American district attorney or Army Judge Advocate would prosecute the case if they could, the US civilian will face no criminal sanction.

Any who, the main point of this post is that I was in a unique position to discuss this case a few weeks ago when it happened. That's Weiden on the right. The young Germans blow vuvuzelas all the time here and it's annoying enough to drive a person to threaten murder. And since I couldn't blog about this story when it happened I had to settle for comments on other websites, where I tried to make the points made above, although much briefer, on my new favorite website, Deadspin. But the authors/editors of Deadspin deleted two of my attempts to share these valuable insights. And what's even more enraging, is that something similiar happened at Gawker a week prior to the Deadspin deletions, except that at Gawker another commenter stole the joke I had made in a subsequent comment of his own.

So essentially the entire point of this post is that I spend too much time making internet comments and checking on the responses, only to see the jokes stolen and the comments deleted. It's a ridiculous state of affairs. If it were not for the power of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice to punish me, I would ax chop every last one of them.

Hitler is More Evil than Lebron James, but just Barely

So Lebron James engages in an hour of ridiculous self-promotion and people on the interwebs completely lose their minds. Deadspin goes nuts, which is weird since they're so good at making fun of shit that needs to be made fun of and not the slightly annoying stuff that this is. Case in point, it's great when they go after owners of sports franchises who are truly insane.

But my God, a superstar athlete acts like an attention hungry man-child and the world goes crazy. Keep in mind that he's also trying to take the sting out of losing $30 million by raising his brand name. He was hoping to get some more endorsements and jersey sales but he miscalculated and came across like an ass. Yes it's douchey to be so self-important, but Lebron did arrange for the ad money from this spectacle to go to charity so are you really that mad? It's not his fault he lives in a saturated media culture. He's just using it for his own purposes. So he's self-centered. Whatever. He's not running for Jesus so can everyone just calm the eff down?

Anyways, my favorite overreaction has been by Bill Plashke. He called Lebron James crass, callous and a coward. To sum up Plashke's rant, he's basically saying Lebron James broke up with the city that loved him in the wrong way and that he was undeserving of this attention since he never won a championship.

Dealing with that first idiocy, really? You're outraged the guy made an announcement on TV? Maybe Lebron should have taken Cleveland out to lunch. Except that might be a little pricey to take out a few million people at once and he did just lose $30 million. Perhaps he should have done what the new media darling Kevin Durant did. Durant tweeted his decision to get the max contract from his home team. And now loyal is every sportswriter's favorite word, like an athlete is supposed to stay with a team no matter what. It doesn't matter how incapable the team is of ever winning a championship due to it's small market nature and bat-shit crazy owner. Loyalty is the new metric by which we measure athletes, not how much they desire winning.

But what's even more ridiculous is that Plashke is so enraged that he won't give Lebron any credit at all. He also wrote, "Don't buy the spin that, because he could have made a guaranteed $30 million more on a potential Cavaliers contract, James is leaving Cleveland only because he wants to win." Really? Then why is he walking away from that $30 million? Shits and giggles? So he can live a Buddhist life of austerity?

Bill never offers a reason why Lebron took less money. He just offers why Lebron couldn't win in Cleveland. Apparently Lebron "left because he didn't have the innards to take the final step with complementary players that the Cavaliers continued to acquire." So apparently Lebron didn't win because he didn't have the proper innards for winning. So the Cleveland roster was filled with players who could win a championship, if only Lebron's innards were built for said winning. Maybe if Lebron had a better gastrointestinal tract he could have stopped Manu Ginobli, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan from running all over a Cleveland team that had Daniel Gibson starting in a finals series. Or maybe a less immuno-deficient spleen could have made Ilgouskis or Varajo defend Dwight Howard one-on-one in 2009, preventing Orlando from swinging the ball around to their unguarded 3 point shooters. Or maybe stronger stomach acid could have dissolved Rajon Rondo and prevented him from throwing down Oscar Roberston style triple-doubles against an over-matched Cleveland back-court. Seriously, does anyone still think Cleveland team is worth anything? What happens when that team hovers at .500 and barely makes the play-offs next year? Will Plashke attribute their sucking to Delonte West's innards? Or will it force him admit that Lebron James is the best basketball player on the planet who made a pretty mediocre team one of the league's best and after 7 years of trying to win with a franchise that couldn't attract another legitimate player, Lebron has now done what every sports writer has always asked a super star athlete to do, to be less selfish and take less money and focus on winning a championship? Oh no it won't, cause loyalty is how we measure athletes now. We should pick athletes the same way we pick our puppies, that will put people in the seats and banners in the rafters.

Anyways, I do have some last minor points. For anyone who says the Florida tax laws make up for walking away from $30 million then you are an idiot. Ohio taxes income above $200,000 at 6%. And for you mental retards who would say such a thing let me do that math for you: Lebron is losing around $28 million by going to Miami. (Of course this doesn't compare property or sales tax but I can't imagine they make up for that final $28 million in a significant way.) Secondly, saying Lebron didn't win a championship so he's undeserving of attention ignores how overrated championships are when evaluating the talent of players in team sports. How good a player is is neither sufficient or necessary for winning a trophy. Should Steve Kerr get an hour on television to talk about how he landed ass-backwards onto amazing teams to win 5? Or maybe Kobe would like to talk about how he wanted to leave the Lakers in the beginning of 2007, you know, because there wasn't enough talent around him to get him out of the first round of the playoffs? Is that the type of intestinal fortitude Plashcke is talking about? Whining about not having enough talent and then having your GM steal Pau Gasol for a ham sandwich in one of the most unfair trades in the history of mankind?

So in conclusion, people are ridiculous and get angry over ridiculous things. And for some reason the media turns against a person and then creates arbitrary standards on how to evaluate their new darling. I cannot wait for the day that Kevin Durant tweets or updates his facebook status or pod casts his trade demand to a contender.

I Don't Even Believe in Jebus

Here's a pic of a giant Jesus statue before it caught on fire. It made me think of some hi-larious jokes. Too bad I already emailed these jokes around, so the five people who read this blog have already read them. But my dad hasn't, so here they are again.

1. that jesus had it coming

2. wait, large metal objects attract lighting? who knew.

3. don't worry, in three days there will be a new giant jesus statue.

4. definitive proof that the apocolypse is coming.

i'll be here all night people.

So You're Saying We're Going to Take a "Wait and See" Approach on the Revolution?

I've been following this health care debate closely. Pretty entertaining stuff. And I came across a pretty funny post at Redstate.

So with passage of this health care legislation looking imminent, this Redstate poster wants every one to know that now isn't the time for a revolution. He thinks it best to work within the system. How nice. He's so reasonable.

So we've gotten to the point where if you disagree with legislation passed by a majority in the house and 59 senators then you have to cajole other people on your side not to violently overthrow the government. Well, at least for the time being. I mean, now we're just talking about reducing future deficits by over a trillion dollars and making sure insurers can't disqualify you for preexisting conditions. But maybe if we had a non-profit insurance option that is funded entirely by private premiums but administered by the government, well then we'll get the blood running in the streets.

Anyways, while trying to post these comments at Redstate I noticed that they only accept opinions of people who agree with them. Which is also nice and reasonable of them. So unfortunately I won't get to challenge their view points directly. Instead I'm going to post some crazy Google search terms in the hopes that some of them will come across this post:

Obamacare, death panels, tyranny, Rush Limbaugh, revolution, kill this bill, Obama is the anti-Christ, I hate those I predefined as my enemy so even when they propose sensible legislation that doesn't drain the Treasury like the Medicare Prescription Drug Act that I supported I completely lose all sense of proportion and start talking about revolution in the name of the Founding Fathers even though their revolution set up the process that is being followed here, Sean Hannity has good hair, deem and pass.

Short Story

So I'm posting a short story of mine here. I tried to post it way back when but gave up when it wouldn't work. Not this time. I won't be discouraged this time. (Unless no one likes it. Then I'll be really discouraged and probably alternate between self-pity and self-aggrandizement and do ridiculous stuff like send my friends emails with a link to this old gem as a coping mechanism.) Any who, here it is:


“Really?”

“Yes it’s true, but I don’t like talking about it. Can we drop it?”

“I don’t mind you know...it doesn’t bother me.”

“Let’s just drop it.”

“Fine...but just know that I don’t care. We’ve all done things that we’re embarrassed about.”

“Yea, I know. It’s just that this was one of those things that I really didn’t want you to know about it. It’s sooo embarrassing.”

“I know, Baby...but it’s knowing these things that make relationships stronger.”

“I don’t know about that...”

“Of course, Honey. You can’t truly love someone unless you know about them completely.”

“I don’t know... I think there still are some things you should keep from each other.”

“Really? You’re keeping things from me?”

“No... It’s just that you can’t see someone completely and still love them...”

“Well...maybe at first...I do agree that you got to be careful at first...uh...but, uh, but not forever...wait, maybe you’re...”

“What?”

“Hmm?”

“What were you saying?

“I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were. You trailed off there...What were you saying?”

“It’s nothing.”

“What do you mean it’s nothing? What were you going to say?”

“...”

“Don’t do this. I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Hmm?”

“You wanted to say something. Something’s on your mind.”

“Nothing...it’s just that you can’t reveal too much information in the beginning of a relationship... You’re right...”

“Uh., huh.”

“...”

“...”

“I don’t know...this is awkward now...”

“...”

“Ok, it’s just that... This conversation. And I don’t know, it’s got me thinking of something I hadn’t thought of in a while...”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, um...how to say this the best way...it’s just...it’s just that I’ve killed a man.”

“What?!”

“Ha, now calm down... It’s not what it sounds like... It’s just...well...I don’t want to keep any secrets from you.”

“Ok...”

“Ok, I can see you’re upset. Like I said, it’s not what it sounds like... It
was a few Christmases ago... You know my family goes to the bar on Christmas Eve?”

“...”

“Well I was driving on the way back…and I was a little buzzed... Everybody was pretty tanked. We were just having a good time like we always do... It's not like I was doing anything terrible. I was just driving a little buzzed is all."

"...ok..."

"And then we were driving on this bridge, this narrow icy bridge, and I see a guy standing off the side of it...”

"Uh-huh."

"And it was the holidays. You know how people get during the holidays. So I stop the car... And I get out, to see how he's doing...and he's just staring out, looking down at the water. So like I said I'm a little buzzed, and I inch closer and I think ‘ I'll probably be helping this guy out. If he really wants to do it but he's afraid. You know, he’s obviously alone, just probably too big of a coward to pull it off.’ So I push him. Like I said, help him out you know."

"Oh my God!"

"Yea, so I get back in the car, and drive home."

"Wait, wait. Wait, your family saw you do this?!?"

"Yea it was their idea. So anyways, we go back home, go to bed, wake up the
next day and open the presents and what not.”

“What do you mean it was their idea?!?”

“Honey, please, I’m in the middle of my story here... Anyways, so we eat the turkey, watch some basketball, and then later in the day we see it's all over the news, the story of the 'Falling Fiancée.'"

"What?"

"Yea, crazy huh? Apparently the guy was out on the bridge to ask his fiancée to marry him. He'd made this enormous banner. That was the route they were taking the next day. And he'd pinned it to the bridge. But to pin it he had to climb over the railing, on the side. So, so like when I saw him, he wasn't going to jump, he was just asking his girlfriend to marry him."

“Oh my God!"

"Yea."

"Oh my God! Oh my God! That was you?!”

"Yea. Crazy huh?"

"Oh my God! I remember that. That was all over the news! And this whole time
they’ve thought it was just an accident! They thought he'd fallen...oh my God...my God...that girl was so sad. She'd had her Christmas ruined...her life...everything."

"...yea..."

"Wow...I can't believe it... This whole time, that was you, and no one has any idea."

"Yea, well...except for my family...and now you..."

"Wow......wow...yea...yea...

“...”

“...”

“So you can see why I waited this long to tell you?”

“...yea...yea...I'm not sure I could have continued seeing you if I knew that earlier."

"I know! That’s my point…”

“Wow...I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think...”

“I know Baby. It’ll take some time...but I mean, don’t you sort of already feel closer to me?”

“I don’t know...”

“C’mon, just a little bit.”

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon Baby...just a teency, eency littie itty bit?

“He-he...ok, but just a little bit.”

“Ok Baby...(they kiss)...thanks Baby...and...you know you can’t say anything
now.”

“Of course.”

“Not to anybody.”

“I said of course.”

“I know what you said, but you tell your sister everything…and you can’t tell her.”

“I won’t tell her.”

“Promise? ”

“God I promise, jeez. Relax.”

“Ok ok...It’s just you like telling her stuff.”

“I told you I wouldn’t.”

“Ok...”

“...”

“...”

“Hey you got to promise me something though.”

“What’s that, Honey?”

“You got to promise that you won’t ask me with a banner. That’s so lame."

“Ha. You don’t have to worry. I got it all planned out. I’m going to ask you at a baseball game.”

“Oh God! No way! I’m saying no if you do.”

“Ha-ha. That makes it even better. Think how funny that would be for
everyone watching?”

“God you’re so weird.”

“You know you love that about me, Baby... (they kiss again)

“He-he...thanks Babe. But I’m serious. Don’t ask me at a baseball game.”

Pat Tillman and Jon Krakauer Are the Best Martyr/Author Combination Since Jesus and Luke

Have you ever felt a warm tingly sensation, the Holy Spirit if you will, take over your body and let you know you're on the right path? Well that's how I felt when I stumbled upon Krakauer's new book on Pat Tillman. Unfortunately my defense of America's way-of-life has made it difficult for me to stay on top of upcoming publications. So I didn't known of this holy union until seeing it in Barnes and Noble.

And like any Krakauer book I've ever read, this one made me want to have long discussions with my friends and family about a million different things. But seeing as I don't have any literate friends or family, I've been reduced to blogging and hoping someone Googles "pear sandwich, american heroes betrayed by their country, bearded nonfiction authors" and that they like to make lots of comments.

1. Is there any more unfathomable, interesting, awe inspiring, patriotic, or cool as fuck person than Pat Tillman? A guy who lived on his own terms. A guy unmotiveated by money or attention. He never gave one interview to promote his decision to give up the NFL for soldiering. This was just something he had to do. He didn't bother seeking praise from a media and culture that was itching to dole it out, praise that would have gone way too far and probably have annoyed the shit out of me. So he quits the NFL to join the Army, and then enlists when he could have gone for OCS. This guy wanted to get into the fight. He wanted to ensure that he took the hardest road possible. It's just so unbelievably admirable.

2. Some advice I'm going to pass on to my children: don't ever guide others up Mt. Everest without using supplemental air, become a fundamentalist Mormon, or participate in the fratricide or cover up of a true American hero and expect Jon Krakaeur to let it slide. He'll find you, call you out by name and publicly shame you.

3. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but there's a survival technique I've developed for living peacefully in this world. The world can suck sometimes. Especially when we do some seriously messed up shit to each other. Like say out of some perverted view of our national self-interest, America decides to go to war to secure access to an important and dwindling natural resource, but in order to sell the war to the public our leaders pretend the war is about preventing terrorist attacks. Then later when that rationale proves false our leaders say the whole thing was about spreading democracy. So millions of people are displaced and hundreds of thousands are killed, all because we were scared into an unnecessary war that was more about making sure we got a steady supply of cheap gasoline to fuel our large trucks and SUVs.

And you can drive yourself crazy focusing on this stuff. So to make it through this thing we're doing without going nuts, to be able to smile and enjoy this life, I'll try to focus on the good parts. Like friends, family, lady love, good books and movies, Mexican food, etc. I put the infuriating parts of this existence out of my mind as best I can. But then I read something like this book, which not only brings up that most unjust of wars, but also reminds me of the disgusting level of deceit that our government engaged in when patriots like Pat Tillman died fighting for their country. And for what? Why did the people in power want to hide that he died because of friendly fire?

4. Krakauer has a few theories about why they did it. And if these theories are true then it's all doubly enraging, but I won't share those here. What I want to talk about is Krakauer's assertion that the underreporting of friendly fire is an endemic problem for the military. That's incomprehensible to me. (Assuming it's true.) By not addressing or admitting to incidents of friendly fire the military is failing to develop measures to correct it. Pretending you're not an alcoholic isn't going to help you hold down relationships or jobs. I can't understand why the military would't want to make itself a more efficient fighting unit -- one that seeks to reduce soldiers from accidently killing each other. I dunno. It's really just incomprehensible to me.

5. Apparently there was an army general or colonel that gave an insensitive interview to ESPN a few years after Tillman's death. The officer had a theory about why the Tillman family was so angry, about why they couldn't let the cover-ups and lying go. His theory was that since the Tillmans were atheist they couldn't accept that their child ceased to exist after expiring on earth. And it struck me how much sense that makes from the perspective of someone who conceives of an after life the way this officer does. It also struck me how an atheist would consider such sentiments. That atheists would see the officer's views consistent with someone unconcerned with the truth. "Of course it doesn't matter if they lied about the way he died. Let's just close our eyes and pretend he's in a better place now and move on."

And hold on for this connection, but this all reminded me of Ricky Gervais' new movie, The Invention of Lying. In that movie, Gervais essentially claims that the story of a peaceful after life is a white lie we tell ourselves to make the pain of death more bearable. I'm not going to speculate on whether that's correct or not since my Christian upbringing still makes it difficult for me to accept that the Bible is just a bunch of stories made up by people doing their best to explain the observable world as they knew it. But that was a good movie and this was a freaking outstanding book. And I'm done talking about it now. So now I'm going to work out and hopefully feel better through endorphins, texting the special lady and feeling less alone in this world (Baby, please text back this time.) and watching the Dodgers play the Phillies, since the athletic accomplishments of men I have never met but who I root for because they play from a geographical area near where I was born tends to make me feel better.