Women Will Do You Wrong

Once again I have been wronged. At least this one didn't break my heart, or lie, or accuse me of date rape. No, this one just took my blog post idea, tweaked it, and then got credit on above the law.

But this isn't really a story of betrayal. It's really just another example of my intellectual property being stolen on the internet. (Point number 2 in that post.)

Instead of getting mad at the great injustice that's been done, though, I've decided to find peace with this whole situation. Life's too long to go through it angry. So to find that peace I realized I needed to be honest with myself and my vast readership. Be the change you want to see in the world, right? Anyways, I realized I needed to admit all the times I've stolen other people's jokes. Here they are:

1. "Dood." A funny way of writing the word dude. I stole that one from my buddy Aram Keuilian.

2. "How come you hear 'nigga please?' But you never hear 'nigga thank you' or 'nigga you're welcome?'" I stole that one from my buddy Mark Kisting. I don't know if he stole that one from anywhere else. But I've only heard him say it, and I have been passing it off as my own ever since.

3. Anytime something ends in -er, saying "but I hardly know her." I stole that one from Mark Kisting as well. You know -- like "poker" or "butter" or "foreigner".

4. "Foreigner, but I hardly know her!" I stole that one from the ex-special lady Tina.

5. "That's what she said." We know were that comes from. Although I'm pretty sure that one is open for everybody to use.

6. "Live every week like it's shark week." Stole that one from my buddy Freddie Nicholas. Even though Freddie stole it from Tracy Morgan, Nix made it his in the group. And I never used it in that group because it's his bit. I just use it when I'm in other social groups.

7. Telling people about the importance of farting on the first date. I stole that one from my buddy Zack McDermont. Although he's going by Myles McDermont these days. Regardless of what he wants people to call him, the point remains. He came up with that joke. But I'm getting laughs with it. As jokes go, though, it's really good advice. If the relationship is successful then there will come a time when you stop holding in those farts. The sooner you let them out, the less uncomfortable it is for you and less awkward it is for everbody. She's smelling them. She knows you're farting. She's not an idiot. And if she can't accept that you fart, then it's something you want to get out sooner rather than later.

Anyways, I'm sure there are more examples of this. But that's all I got for now. Maybe the next time someone on the internet steals my shiite, I'll remember those jokes I used to steal of Hari's in high school and college. Or maybe he can just paste a conversation from gchat in the comments that shows I stole this post idea from him.

Pat Tillman and Jon Krakauer Are the Best Martyr/Author Combination Since Jesus and Luke

Have you ever felt a warm tingly sensation, the Holy Spirit if you will, take over your body? Well that's how I felt when I stumbled upon Krakauer's new book on Pat Tillman. See, my defense of your way of life has retarded my culural literacy. So I've been unable to stay on top of the upcoming publications, and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw this holy union in Barnes and Noble. I just knew this book would be amazing, and it didn't disappoint. And like any Krakauer book I've ever read, this one made me want to have long discussions with my friends and family about a million different things. But seeing as I don't have any literate friends or family, I've been reduced to blogging and hoping someone Googles "pear sandwich, american heroes betrayed by their country, bearded nonfiction authors" and that they like to make lots of comments.

1. Is there any more unfathomable, interesting, awe inspiring, enigmatic, patriotic, or cool as fuck person than Pat Tillman? Just anyone in the world who even comes as close as this guy? A guy who lived on his own terms. Terms that few of us would find appealing to do, but terms that we admire the hell out of? A guy unmotiveated by greed or attention whoring. I mean, the guy never gave one interview to promote his decision to give up the NFL for soldiering. This was just something he had to do for himself. He didn't bother seeking praise from a media and culture that would have heaped that praise on him, endless praise that would have gone way too far cause of how annoying our media and culture are. But still, praise that he could have gotten if he'd sought it out instead of refusing every single interview attempt everyone made. But then you got to consider that he enlisted when he could have taken the easier road of becoming an officer. This guy wanted to get into the fight. He wanted to ensure that he took the hardest road possible. It's just so unbelievably admirable.

2. Some advice I'm going to pass on to my children: don't ever guide Mt. Everest without supplemental air, or become a fundamentalist Mormon, or participate in the fraticide and/or cover up of a true American hero and expect Jon Krakaeur to let it slide. He'll find you, call you out by name and publicly shame you. So you'll never want to leave your house again and face your neighbors because Krakauer has basically insinuated that you are a human being that doesn't measure up and lots of people read his books so that's a lot of people out there who think you don't measure up.

3. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but there's a survival technique I've developed for living peacefully in this world. See, the world can suck sometimes. Especially when we humans do some seriously messed up shiite to each other. You know, like when out of some perverted view of what our self-interest is we go out and make some terrible decisions that harm each other. For example, like when we go to war to secure oil for what our leaders believe is in our national security interests but in order to sell the war to the populace they pretend it's about preventing terrorism and spreading democracy. And so millions of other people are displaced and hundreds of thousands are killed all because we need to make sure we get a steady supply of cheap gasoline to fuel our large trucks and SUVs. And you can drive yourself crazy focusing on this stuff. So to make it through this thing we're doing with a smile on your face you'll, or me, I should talk about me, what I do is I focus on the good parts. Like friends, family, lady love, good books and movies, Mexican food, etc. etc. And so I put that infuriating nonsense out of mind as best I can. But then I read something like this book, which not only brings up that most unjust of wars, but it also reminds me of the disgusting level of deceit that our government engaged in. And for what? Why did the people in power want to hide that Pat Tillman died because of friendly fire?

4. Krakauer has a few theories about why they did it. If these theories are true then it's all doubly enraging, but I won't share those theories here. What I want to talk about is Krakauer's assertion that the underreporting of friendly fire is an endemic problem for the military. And that's incomprehensible to me. (Assuming it's true.) By not addressing or admitting to incidents of friendly fire the military is failing to develop measures to correct it. Pretending you're not an alcoholic isn't going to help you hold down relationships or jobs. Everyone knows the first step is to admit you have a problem. And I can't understand why the military wound't want to make itself a more efficient fighting unit -- one that seeks to reduce soldiers from accidently killing each other. I dunno. It's really just incomprehensible to me.

5. Apparently there was an army general or colonel that gave an insensitive interview a few years after Tillman's death. The officer had a theory about why the Tillman family was so angry, why they couldn't let the cover-ups and lying go. His theory was that since the Tillmans were atheist, they couldn't accept that their child ceased to exist after his death on earth. And it struck me how much sense that makes from the perspective of someone who conceives of an after life the way this officer does. It also struck me how an atheist would consider such sentiments. That atheists would see the officer's views consisent with someone unconcerned with the truth. And hold on for this connection, but this all reminded me of Ricky Gervais' new movie, The Invention of Lying. In that movie, Gervais essentially claims that the story of a peaceful after life is a white lie we tell ourselves to make the pain of death more bearable. Any who, it was a good movie and this was a freaking outstanding book. And I'm done talking about it now. So now I'm going to work out, text the special lady and watch the Dodgers play the Phillies.

Apologies

So last night was one of those nights. And instead of sending out individual apology emails to everyone I offended, I figured I'd post them here:

1. Andy, I'm sorry I tried to kick you out of the shuffle board game so I could play. That wasn't cool.

2. Phil, I'm sorry I threatened to stab you for dancing with my special lady

3. Matt, I'm not sorry for threatening to stab you. You were clearly trying to freak her from behind. But I am sorry I told that one girl you have herpes.

4. Anna, I'm sorry I was happy the bee stung you. It's just that between the two of us, I prefer that you get stung and not me. I was also sorry to hear you whine about it all day.

5. Mark, I'm sorry for taking our smack-talking texts too far. I should not have said that your fiancee was making her way through the 82nd Airborne. That was out of line. I should have just said that about your mother.

6. JAG 179th OBC, I'm sorry you guys didn't invite me to brunch so it was kind of awkward when Anna and I were seated next to you, especially when Anna went to the buffet line for like her 4th serving and it was just me at the table and I was kind of staring at you, but also kind of pretending to be focused on my food. And I was obviously thinking, "Why didn't anyone let me know about this? I mean, I couldn't go obviously because Anna is in town. But still? Not any one of those 12 people thought to send me a text or knock on my door?"

7. JAG 179th OBC, I'm also sorry I keyed your cars. In hindsight, that might have taken it too far.

Also, the pic on this page came from Googling, "Mark's mom is in town." Go figure.

Army Update

Friends, Family, and that really attractive Italian Supermodel who stumbled upon my blog and hasn't missed a post since --here's what's been going on the last month or so:

1. So I got called out in front of the entire company again. This time it was by a lieutenant colonel. I guess that means I'm moving up in the world? Anyways, it's really just a huge misunderstanding. I didn't say anything to those massage ladies that was inappropriate. And I have no idea why they called the JAG school and dragged my good name through the mud. I wish I were kidding. But I'm not. And I really have no idea why they're calling my chain of command about me. I have been seriously wronged. I keep meaning to go down to that massage school and demand satisfaction. (But I guess that's how I got into this problem in the first place. Hi-yo!) Seriously though, I really didn't do anything wrong, or say anything extra to these ladies to make them think they could advertise at the JAG school if they gave me a discounted massage. I got affidavits from my friends that can back me up on this. Kind of sucks, but everybody got a good laugh out of it.

2. One of the best aspects of military life is being able to just be a guy. A good example of this has got to be the farting. I've never farted so freely. It's absolutely amazing. It's kind of like I'm in junior high again, except now when we're all laughing about it, Jeff Yoshikowa's mom doesn't storm into the bedroom and yell for us to pipe down.

3. I've never heard so many disparaging remarks about gays. It's like I'm in junior high school again, except at 13 we could be excused for saying "gay" as a slur because we didn't know any better. There are lots of examples of this nonsense, but as always I'm making this about me. So my biggest problem with this is that when you're a really cool guy from California who does things slightly differently, and you do hot yoga and drink fruity margaritas and order Shirley Temples, then you will hear the "gay" slur a lot. And it's annoying. But this is obviously a lot bigger than me. And I imagine the army can suck for the homosexuals out there, since they can't really speak up when someone is using "gay" as a slur because then they'd immediately be suspect and might lose their jobs. So this one time a fellow soldier makes a gay joke in front of the entire company and a few people chuckled even though most people were silent with shock. But the few homosexuals must have been suffering silently. Oh well. Here's hoping that my friends find a better way to make fun of me and Congress changes the law on homosexuals serving so they can speak up and call someone out for making a terrible or unoriginal joke.

4. Things are going well with the special lady: she still laughs at most of my jokes, finds time to see me and hasn't made out with any of my friends or family even though I've been farting freely in front of her for a while now. It really is amazing. To let those go whenever I feel the urge? It's as if a whole new way of living has opened up to me. It's like when I first heard the Beatles.

So that's about it on the update for now. I got a few more things to say but I'll save them for a later post. But just to finish up here, did you know that if you Googled "army gay farting massages" that you get the image shown at the top of this post? Weird huh? You also gets lots of pics from 300.

The Future Ex-Mrs. Fantastic

So I've fallen in love with a woman. She's the one on the left, screaming and pointing. That's what I love about her the most, how she screams and points at everything. Like on our first date when she kept saying, "Who are you and how did you get into my apartment? Seriously, what the f*** is going on? This isn't funny."

But the best part about the new lady is how she doesn't mind how ridiculous I am. Like how I told her I loved her even though we'd only known each other a few hours. And that didn't scare her off a second date. And then on that date, when I sung "Can't Find A Better Man" and dedicated it to her, she didn't leave with another guy.

Any who, so my point is that I may have found the one. Here's hoping that I don't have to reedit this post because I marry someone else or she starts hooking up with one of my friends.

In the Army Now

I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Pear Sandwich's readership has mushroomed. It's sitting on eight readers these days. That book deal is right around the corner. The bad news is that the new readership is my chain of command, and they don't appear to be fans of this blog in the traditional sense, since fans in the traditional sense don't call you out in front of the entire company for the ridiculous nonsense you write. Apparently the First Sergeant didn't like the "today I learned..." theme from that last post. I guess he thought I wasn't learning the right lessons. From what I gathered, he figured that a few of us had gone soft and we were losing our military bearing over here in Charlottesville. And with my 'getting talked down to by sergeants' joke and some of my classmates poor judgment, he felt that we hadn't sufficiently adjusted ourselves to the rigors of military life. So he smoked us at the end of a ruck march with some extra PT. So anyways, things were a little tough for all of us. I had a talk with him afterwards to clear the air. I hope it worked. If it didn't, then First Sergeant, know that I got no problems with what's going on whatsoever. I think you're doing a bang-up job. You can talk down to me, or smoke the sh*t out of me any time. I got no complaints.

There was also a more serious problem with my last post. Apparently I'd revealed sensitive information. (You report troop positions one time and people act like you're the bad guy.) So I had to remove some stuff. So if you happen to reread my old posts as much as I do, and if the flow seems weird or the jokes don't all come together in the end, it's because I was protecting national security by selectively deleting learned lessons, not because I'm too lazy or untalented to rework an old post.

Anyways, so I'm 6 weeks into my military career, 29 years into a life somewhat well-lived, and I'm all out of life lessons to hand out for the moment...I guess I can talk about what's on my mind. I mean, it's 2009. Rome is burning and people write on the internets about what they're thinking, regardless of how interesting it is. It's just what we do with ourselves in this day and age. And who is going to stop me? You? Doubtful. My chain of command? Probably.

Any who, so what's currently going on in this beautiful noggin of mine is how ridiculous our national political discourse still is. Can you believe that there is a significant proportion of the populace sincerely worried our president is going to establish death panels? I mean, really? You people aren't kidding? You really fear the US government is going to start killing off the unproductive members of society? I hope that all reasonable people would can agree that if you're talking up the coming 'death panels' then you are either crazy, stupid, or a liar. (And by liar I mean purposefully muddling the debate and sowing fear in the crazy and stupid.) There are just so many better ways to argue about health care reform other than to just make up ridiculous ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous shite. Nice to see how many people are buying it though. Sigh.

Any who again, I got a fun weekend planned. I got a 'dress up and be a military man' dinner and drinks thing Friday. And then I got a date Saturday. I also got health care, finally. So I got mine. And I'm relatively healthy so I don't have to worry about the government killing me. Things are going well for this guy.

An American Hero

I know I haven't posted in a while. I had been busy getting my affairs in order. Defending America's way of life requires lots of prep work. Push-ups. Sit-ups. Saying 'you're welcome' in front of a mirror so it sounds sincere. So the blog fell by the wayside while I got ready to report.

And then the first few weeks of my military career haven't allowed for any down time. But since arriving in Charlottesville, I finally have had a few spare moments so that I can provide for you, the civilians who enjoy the freedoms heroes like me provide, a peek behind the military curtain.

July 5th-- Arrive at Ft. Lee, VA. I learn how to be talked down to by sergeants and how to stand in the rain for unnecessarily long periods of time.

July 6th-7th -- I learn how to wake up really early, relearn what it's like to be talked down to by sergeants, and learn how to sit for an entire day in an uncomfortable auditorium filling out paperwork that I already filled out months ago. I also learn that I won't be able to go to the bathroom on my schedule.

July 8th -- The physical fitness test. I learn how to wake up at 245am to make a 330 formation, and then I learn to stand around until 430 before the physical activity begins.

July 10th-14th -- I learn how to take apart a M-16, shoot a 9mm handgun, call in a medevac, spot an IED, navigate an obstacle course, and lots of other really cool shiite. I also learn how to deal with being tear gassed.

July 15th -- After 10 days at Ft. Lee I decide that most people in the Army are pretty cool. Meaning, people really look out for each other here. A lot of it is the 'don't leave a soldier behind' mantra that's hammered home, but it's almost a lesson that doesn't need to be emphasized since most people who self-select to join a service branch are probably the giving type to begin with.

July 16 -- Our company's social event. Here I learn that the 'don't leave a soldier behind' spirit of generosity doesn't translate when there's the potential to get some. So when one of the six girls out of our company of 116 is clearly throwing herself at yours truly, those generous spirits from earlier in the week suddenly refuse to step out of the way and give me an unencumbered swing at the plate. So instead of playing everyone's favorite game of: 'last man standing with the really drunk girl', I call it a night early because one has to wake up early around here.

July 17th-19th- Weekend in Charlottesville. Eating, drinking and golf. I learn there's a golf course in a location in C'ville I'd never been before. I also learn how fun it is to be the expert on something, as I tell everyone where to go and what to do and how to get there since I'm the only one who's lived in this town before.

July 20th -- ??? The Future. What does it hold? Hero Squad? Congressional Medal of Honor? Dishonorable Discharge? Only time will tell people. My money is on Hero Squad.