So there's a parody newspaper out there in the world called The Onion. I'm sure both of this blog's readers have heard of it. But I think it's important to get some context for this post in the off chance that this blog ever picks up a wide international following -- or gets a third reader. So this parody newspaper doesn't allow unsolicited submissions. Only the guys who already work for the paper are allowed to come up with their hilarious fake news stories. When one considers the necessity of a free and vigorous press to the full functioning of a democracy, well, then one has to wonder why this monopoly on the fake news business wasn't rectified earlier.
And so I just decided to share some of the news stories that The Onion decided not to publish or reject or acknowledge that they received in any way whatsoever:
1. God Reports Sudden Increase in Masturbations to a “Sarah Palin” -- I feel like this one is self-explanatory. It's definitely dated since the election is over (The election is over in case you didn't know people. I'm not sure who won but that info is out there somewhere.) and she's been on national scene for months now. But it can work for any women who bursts on the national news scene all at once.
2. District Attorney Changing Fantasy Line-up during Child Molestation Case -- The story goes through what changes the DA is thinking of for his fantasy football team. The why -- potential matchups -- past performances, while the child who reported the molestation is being cross examined by the defense. Not sure why I keep making jokes about fantasy football, but I'll take a timeout from doing that one for a while. Get it, timeout? Anyways, it's probably a good idea to put a few obvious objections the DA failed to make in there too.
3. Sexual Tension between Juror 2 and Juror 7 Palpable -- The story is about two good looking people who have been making eyes during a horrific crime case. Quotes from bailiff, judge, victim's family -- all who have noticed it and are generally supportive of the two. As should be clear, I've been letting my mind wonder during my internship at the sexual crimes unit. It's a tough job sometimes people.
4. Jodie Foster Admits Interest in John Hinkley -- The story is about Jodie’s revelation, recently made, that she would have been impressed with Hinckley if he actually pulled off the assassination of Reagan. She notes how few president’s have actually been assassinated, what a difficult task the assassin has, and talks about how grand the gesture was -- it wasn’t like roses, a tired poem or a boring dinner and movie.
5. Area Man, 28, Submits Unsolicited Stories to Parody Newspaper Despite Clear Directions Not Too -- It could analyze why the man, even though highly educated and capable of reading and understanding simple directions, still chooses not to follow the guidelines which forbid such submissions: delusions of grandeur, an inability to accept his station in life or to properly evaluate his joke making abilities.