The Funion Part II -- The Refunioning

After the poor reception the last Onion post got I wasn’t sure if I’d ever do another Onion themed post again. But then the hand of God interceded. So here we are.

So here are my fake Onion stories with their mini-write ups:

1. Area Woman Crazy- The article examines how this woman does objectively crazy shiite like cry during sappy movie previews. Or upon seeing a friend’s wedding dress. Or while sitting in traffic on a bad day because she’s hungry and there’s nothing to snack on in her car but she purposely deprived herself of car snacks because she’s worried her arms are getting fat. This woman also believes that the time of year in which people are born and the corresponding arrangement of stars billions of light years away influences their suitability as mates. Additionally, she’ll fly into pouty rages when her boyfriend doesn’t pay enough attention to her or sleeps with one of her friends.

2. Man Who Believes in the Apocalypse Terrible at Making Plans- The article is about how the guy won’t ever commit to anything because of the impending end of the world and how this frustrates the people in his life. His friends never know how much food to buy for the bbq, or how many to make the reservation for, etc. His family complains how obviously last minute their Christmas and birthday gifts invariably are, while his girlfriend is convinced that he’ll take their relationship to the next level.

3. Jim Cramer’s Wife Now Thinks of Jon Stewart During Sex – This one is pretty self-explanatory.

4. Law Clerk in SVU Unit Unsure if Coworkers Talking About Case or Their Own Relationships- This is another autobiographical fake Onion headline. It comes from my days in the sexual assault division at the district attorney. I used to get to the office pretty early. So it would be me and just a few staffers for the first hour and a half. While the office was relatively empty, the lady secretaries would feel comfortable talking loudly about their online dating. But this one time it seemed like they were talking about cases from the unit as well as the dating. Like they were going back and forth between potential mates' profiles and open cases? So it wasn’t clear what the hell was going on. Anyways, I want to keep things family friendly but you get the idea of where this article goes.

5. Area Man’s Friends Don’t Read His Blog- The article examines how his friends remember hearing he has a blog. “What’s the address again?” One friend asks on Gchat for the 3rd time, even though that friend will forget the answer within a few seconds. “Yea I’ve been meaning to check it out but I’ve been so busy. Since we’ve had lay-offs my work load has really increased.” Another friend says before refreshing the Drudge Report for the 10th time. “I’ll read a bit of it from time to time, but mostly I just skim it so I’ll have something to say if he asks me about a recent post. He can be pretty sensitive you know, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” Says a friend who used to cowrite the blog with him but now spends her days playing online Sudoku and Word Twist.

Not Taking No For an Answer (and No I'm Not Referring to My Trial -- the Jury Came Back "Not Guilty" on that One Thank You Very Much)

So there's a parody newspaper out there in the world called The Onion. I'm sure both of this blog's readers have heard of it. But I think it's important to get some context for this post in the off chance that this blog ever picks up a wide international following -- or gets a third reader. So this parody newspaper doesn't allow unsolicited submissions. Only the guys who already work for the paper are allowed to come up with their hilarious fake news stories. When one considers the necessity of a free and vigorous press to the full functioning of a democracy, well, then one has to wonder why this monopoly on the fake news business wasn't rectified earlier.

And so I just decided to share some of the news stories that The Onion decided not to publish or reject or acknowledge that they received in any way whatsoever:

1. God Reports Sudden Increase in Masturbations to a “Sarah Palin” -- I feel like this one is self-explanatory. It's definitely dated since the election is over (The election is over in case you didn't know people. I'm not sure who won but that info is out there somewhere.) and she's been on national scene for months now. But it can work for any women who bursts on the national news scene all at once.

2. District Attorney Changing Fantasy Line-up during Child Molestation Case -- The story goes through what changes the DA is thinking of for his fantasy football team. The why -- potential matchups -- past performances, while the child who reported the molestation is being cross examined by the defense. Not sure why I keep making jokes about fantasy football, but I'll take a timeout from doing that one for a while. Get it, timeout? Anyways, it's probably a good idea to put a few obvious objections the DA failed to make in there too.

3. Sexual Tension between Juror 2 and Juror 7 Palpable -- The story is about two good looking people who have been making eyes during a horrific crime case. Quotes from bailiff, judge, victim's family -- all who have noticed it and are generally supportive of the two. As should be clear, I've been letting my mind wonder during my internship at the sexual crimes unit. It's a tough job sometimes people.

4. Jodie Foster Admits Interest in John Hinkley -- The story is about Jodie’s revelation, recently made, that she would have been impressed with Hinckley if he actually pulled off the assassination of Reagan. She notes how few president’s have actually been assassinated, what a difficult task the assassin has, and talks about how grand the gesture was -- it wasn’t like roses, a tired poem or a boring dinner and movie.

5. Area Man, 28, Submits Unsolicited Stories to Parody Newspaper Despite Clear Directions Not Too -- It could analyze why the man, even though highly educated and capable of reading and understanding simple directions, still chooses not to follow the guidelines which forbid such submissions: delusions of grandeur, an inability to accept his station in life or to properly evaluate his joke making abilities.