After the poor reception the last Onion post got I wasn’t sure if I’d ever do another Onion themed post again. But then the hand of God interceded. So here we are.
So here are my fake Onion stories with their mini-write ups:
1. Area Woman Crazy- The article examines how this woman does objectively crazy shiite like cry during sappy movie previews. Or upon seeing a friend’s wedding dress. Or while sitting in traffic on a bad day because she’s hungry and there’s nothing to snack on in her car but she purposely deprived herself of car snacks because she’s worried her arms are getting fat. This woman also believes that the time of year in which people are born and the corresponding arrangement of stars billions of light years away influences their suitability as mates. Additionally, she’ll fly into pouty rages when her boyfriend doesn’t pay enough attention to her or sleeps with one of her friends.
2. Man Who Believes in the Apocalypse Terrible at Making Plans- The article is about how the guy won’t ever commit to anything because of the impending end of the world and how this frustrates the people in his life. His friends never know how much food to buy for the bbq, or how many to make the reservation for, etc. His family complains how obviously last minute their Christmas and birthday gifts invariably are, while his girlfriend is convinced that he’ll take their relationship to the next level.
3. Jim Cramer’s Wife Now Thinks of Jon Stewart During Sex – This one is pretty self-explanatory.
4. Law Clerk in SVU Unit Unsure if Coworkers Talking About Case or Their Own Relationships- This is another autobiographical fake Onion headline. It comes from my days in the sexual assault division at the district attorney. I used to get to the office pretty early. So it would be me and just a few staffers for the first hour and a half. While the office was relatively empty, the lady secretaries would feel comfortable talking loudly about their online dating. But this one time it seemed like they were talking about cases from the unit as well as the dating. Like they were going back and forth between potential mates' profiles and open cases? So it wasn’t clear what the hell was going on. Anyways, I want to keep things family friendly but you get the idea of where this article goes.
5. Area Man’s Friends Don’t Read His Blog- The article examines how his friends remember hearing he has a blog. “What’s the address again?” One friend asks on Gchat for the 3rd time, even though that friend will forget the answer within a few seconds. “Yea I’ve been meaning to check it out but I’ve been so busy. Since we’ve had lay-offs my work load has really increased.” Another friend says before refreshing the Drudge Report for the 10th time. “I’ll read a bit of it from time to time, but mostly I just skim it so I’ll have something to say if he asks me about a recent post. He can be pretty sensitive you know, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” Says a friend who used to cowrite the blog with him but now spends her days playing online Sudoku and Word Twist.